Pretty on the outside

October 14th, 2011by AlmostPerfect

Kay so, I’m 17. My birthday is Saterday (15th of october). I live with my loving family, whom love me and treat me right. Better then right. We’re considered to be “loaded”. I got a brand spankin new car for my 16th birthday (even though I couldnt drive it for 8 months…) I’m a great hockey player, smart as fuck (hate school with a passion though…), good looking (not trying to toot my own horn, and i never brag about anything, but this is an annonamus forum and these are the facts). I’m an electrical apprentice, went though school programs to get my 1st year done while still in highschool (ridiculously hard to get into those programs…). I dont have any enimies…girls love me, parents love me, teachers love me, employers LOVE me. I ju…ju…just…stutter. FUCK! WHY! like holy good mother of god WHY! It’s not so bad that i cant speak. but shit. sometimes, its bruuutal. I go drinkin and partying all the time, and yes. i can still land any chick i damn well please, because lets be serious here, when your loaded and all hyped up on e. you dont have to talk very much to score with chicks. Relationships though, are a no-go. I’ve dated girls in the past but w/e, im 18 so they dont count….***writers block, started going through my 5000 songs (I’m the music man every single place i go, its a desise, but as the old cliche goes “if it wasnt for music, i wouldnt be here”. Now im taking out my bong and getting really fucking stoned, gets the words flowin better…well more like ideas flowing better, or words on screen. I cant speak AT ALL when im high, fucking hate myself…***

So, where was I? Ah yes, why would someone like me actually hate my life/myself? besides the stuttering WHICH FUCKING SUCKS (and apparently quite currable. its one of those things where itl go away if you dont think about it. but i have to fucking think about it before i talk to anybody…ever. I would be so much further ahead in life then where im at if i didnt. Because I have drive to do so much more, but im such a fucking coward i wont even call anybody because i cant talk. I call up my boss or a future employer because I fucking have too, but sometimes im so bad at speaking. and i just feel so fucking retarded. I’ve had people ask me think i was dying and ask me if i should call an ambulance. I’ve had people at drivethroughs get their manager because they dont know how to deal with me. I’ve had people at general stores at nighttime tell me to get out of the store because my answer to how are you doing? was so fucked up. And i understand how thats kind of funny. but its fucking heartbreaking man.

So since I cant communicate very well in person, i would be the prime example of a person that the internet benifits. Since i can use facebook or text people instead of talking. (how sad is that…). But nope, I own a computer just like everyone else. Its changed people. We’re going to get sick from it. we’re so attached to our cellphones, bbm, facebook, twitter. we’re not going to grow up the same. if something ever happens thats out of our control, say a meteorite blew up the moon and we now had 6 pieces orbiting earth. and NONE of our technology worked. Somehow, the different moons changed the chemical balance of our earths atmosphere and all satelites stopped working. We’d become savages. probably not, but things would be ALOT different.

So, I also really hate that. In a combo of the whole me not being able to talk, and my lack of use of the computer talking or texting. I’m pretty alone. It sucks. I got 4 best friends who dont give a fuck. and thats about it. hahahaha, but you’d never think of that from me.

MAN IM HIGH

I know i could have it alot worse off…-\-\\-\- Oh wait. I’m addicted to drugs too. not hardcore or anything, i go to work sober and shit, but man i hit it hard at night. Only been into it the last few years but i can see myself starting to look worse and worse, and more and more like a crackhead. which scares me because im only so far into life as i am (better then most for my age) because i got lucky. everything always works out my way, all the time. But I’m always depressed. I know the drugs probably arnt helping me there, but they arnt affecting my shitty speaking life anyways because i always look presentable and my work ethic is fantastic. AND i take them because i like them. (dont know why im saying them, sounding like a pill poppin animal. I smoke dope. Alot of it.) which i know causes depression, or so they say. I know im happier after i dont smoke for awhile, but in the mean time. I’ll go insain if i dont. All i do is work and sleep. at 18. im too young for this shit. But the moneys great and i know ill benifit in the long run. grrrr.
I dont necasarally want to die. but if 2012 happened and we all died, i wont be too upset about it? lol. I also think im becoming skitzo and frequently heavily debate crashing into a tree. To the point where ive actually swerved off onto the shoulder and pussied out.

I relize how much ive wrote and its pretty pathetic. It’s helped me get through another long lonely night though. I’m officially an adult in 24 hours. and by me landing this job, ill do the same thing for the next 25 years or so, and be retired before im 50. I know its totally rediculous to think that far ahead, and living your life is more important. but what fucking life? im afraid to the point where i just wont go out because i know ill fuck up hard on the talking and just feel like a retarded piece of shit……………………………………………………………..so my life……………….fuck. i forgot where i was going with that. shitty. i’ve been writing too long so fuck this. thats my shitty fucked up life that i dont necasarally want to end…but i can see me wanting to end it in the future if shit keeps up.

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