The sound of the train. Was fucking taunting me last night. I regret not being there. Lying on the tracks. Music blasting. Staring at the stars. Thinking how miniscule I am. Compared to the universe. To all living things. A tree is more important to this world than little ol’ me. I cried because I wasn’t there. As opposed to crying because i’m waiting for my imminent death. Knowing the end is near and i’m finally at peace and everything is brighter. I see more clearly. I told myself I wouldn’t come back to SP. But I did. And it was really only to mention how I was planning to do it last night. I decided i’m done telling people my plans. (First, they never go the way their supposed to (obviously) and Second, I don’t want to put it on someone to know and not be able to do a damnt thing.)
Today, I went over to my prandparent to help put up sheetrock and whatnot. Everything was going well. The immediate family was there. My favorite person.. My grandpa.. had cancer. He called for a “family meeting” and told everyone, that it has again came back.. He needs a bone marrow transplant. He will be gone for 5-7 weeks. I will be sitting here worried. If i’m still sitting here at all.
I don’t even want to be around for my family anymore.
20 comments
***sigh****
I can’t get my feet up off the edge
I kinda like the rush I get when you’re standing close to death
All I can hear are the dark echos of your voice
And that little deathly voice.
If you do not want to talk to me again…. To stop you, to make you smile, to make you laugh. Fine Katrina. I won’t get in your way again.
Logic always seems to escape me. Though it is your life. And to be honest, I did something today that will put me right behind you kiddo.
I am sorry about your grandpa… I really am.
If you need me… You know my skype number, and my phone number. If you do not wish to be bothered by someone like me… I am sure there are plently of others on here………
Until and if we speak again Katrina. Goodbye.
Take your step dad out shoping.
-_-
you are a fucking dick.
thanks for commenting with nothing at all related to this.
We know you are talking about that douche and not me… we just talked about it… and you leave.
Do you have any idea how badly… how close I am to…
It doesn’t matter.
I’m b’heading that way too.. I’m talking myself into it now so I won’t have to do it in the cold; I can just go and resolutley lay down, ignore the vibrating ground and rumbling, the whistle when the conductor sees me and tries to stop, the skreeching brakes.. it’s such a loud and awkward ordeal; but surefire, no waking up in the ICU again.
I think of the commuters a few cars back relaxed in their seats editing memos and drinking coffee listening to music gazing out the window into the city smog, how they’l go ho humming about their day when the train stops and maybe notice the blood all over the wheel and think it’s a little off, but nothing more; how they’l go home and tell their wifes “I was on that train that cut dudes head off on my way to work today!” cause finally something interesting happened. Maybe I will create delays in the schedule while the morticians clean up and people will curse me and say “Why couldn’t that rude ************ have just waited 15more minutes till the next train, now I’m late for work and shit! my life sucks!”
Be brave(whatever this means to you).
damn. <3
it does matter. i’m sorry James.
i’m gonna smoke a cigg and be right back on skype.
i’m having a shit day and it’s wrong of me to seemingly take it out on you.
Ive been there and failed over 13 times i dont even understand how it is that im still alive my point is you are not alone we all have shitty lives how we chooose to end it is ultimatly our own choice i hope you find the strength to keep going im trying im on heaps of medication to try and control my urges to kill myself and there is nothing worse than failing so try and move on past the thoughts acknowledge but dont act on them good luck
as i have failed multiple times. urg. thanks.
as for me, i self medicate. ha. hoping for the best tonight or idk what to do.
@Leaky Juat take him shoping. And you might bound? Dose he stell your shit? You are sister’s. Help him.
Stop fucking trolling man. There is no point. This is not 2003 anymore, the shit has gotten as old as fucking Chuck Norris jokes. Seriously kid just shutup.
Damn what happened to us all? We used to happy little tots exploring the world 🙁 Makes me sad.
What happened is me and Leaky left when the only troll was donniedeath. Now there is more.
That is what happened my friend.
well, we grew up. and life shit on most of us here. ha.
and that. and, thanks hun.
Always. You know how I am.
yeah proto this site has gone straight to hell. I joined when there was only like 8000 posts, now there’s like 9500. SO MANY TROLLS ughh.
and yes leaky it seems life just had a diarreah explosion on us
What happened? what happened is this became a fucking soap opera. Lets all get over ourselves.
@pro you are not responsible for the whole world and it is arrogant of you to think you are.
@leaky stop indulging yourself and your pain
@dr doolittle tiny bit of sensitivity?
@lol hang in there everything comes full circle.
I love you all. Peace out.
I LOVE YOU! But we can’t be together. You see, I’m already married… to your second and a half cousin in-law