It’s been over 10 years since I first wanted to die. Six years since I wanted to kill myself. I recall how annoyed I first was, when someone said, “That’s the same thing!” I stand to my word and still say, “No it isn’t.”
I remember the first time I tried to consciously commit suicide. Times before that I hadn’t really realised what I was doing. But this time, I knew completely. It was three days before my 13th birthday. I felt so finished with life. I asked the air, “What’s the point of life?” Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe that’s why people say, “Perhaps the question to ask is ‘Who do we live for?'” Maybe no one wants the truth to be “There’s no point”. Maybe it’s just what people call “a teenage thing”. Maybe it’s just me.
I swore, on the morning I woke up, that I wouldn’t live past my 14th birthday. I turned 16 last month. I’m not proud of it. I can be told “Well done, you’ve pulled through”, but I haven’t. There wasn’t anything to ‘pull through’. Shit happens to a lot of people. People are raped, hit, deprived of necessary things. Several of my friends have had such experiences. Yet, it’s me they have to support. What went so catastrophically wrong in my life?
Nothing. I have the perfect family, indescribable friends and even all my teachers are amazing. Everything in my life is perfect, except for myself. People always wish for caring people in their life, that having this would make life so much easier. I have such people, but I can tell you it’s no walk in the park. Not when it’s all you want for everyone to stop caring, for them to realise that you truly are a bad person and that you don’t say it for pity, or for them to say “No you’re not, you are a wonderful person.” I don’t say things to fish in the compliments. I prefer criticism to compliments. At least you know for certain they’re being honest and not just kind.
I am the only imperfection in my life. Despite years of perfectionism, I am chasing a goal I can’t achieve. I have had many problems – depression, anxiety, eating (Or rather, a lack of), half turning into another person, psychological splitting (apparently) that led me to hear voices, etc.. – and they were discussed in many counselling and therapy sessions. I was originally led to believe I had dysthymia and had something to ‘get better’ from. But by the end of therapy, I had all of my problems thrown at my face and told “There’s nothing wrong with you; it’s just who you are.” Hear that everyone? I’m not ‘brave’ like you say. I failed at life just by being who I am. How can you possibly say I’m ‘strong’?
I’m surrounded by too many incredible people. I am of course, grateful, but I can only feel guilty and ashamed when I waste their time. There are plenty of people who truly deserve help, and believe me when I state again that I don’t say this for pity or anything. I simply don’t think I’m worth the trouble.
101252. The day I hope to have a final suicide attempt. Sure, school knows, and sure, my parents know that I’ve plans to kill myself in January (My friend, who’s also undergoing issues, told my head of year. She’s got far more guts than I am, and she’s in the year below too. I don’t know how such amazing people got stuck with me in their life.), but it doesn’t mean I’ll just change my mind. Just because everyone found out I cut, didn’t mean I stopped. Just because I told my therapist I was living on minimal calories, didn’t mean I stopped completely. I stopped so she’d stop threatening to tell my parents, since I dread to think what they’d do.
My point is, just because someone knows, doesn’t mean I feel obliged to stop something I’ve wanted to do for literally as long as I can remember (Pardon the cliché).
I realise that every time I have posted here, I have been rather self-centred. But I’d like to say something to anyone that has bothered to read this far (Apologies for always posting such long messages). I wish everyone the possibility to feel truly happy – not when you’ve played the act for so long, you forget who you are and convince even yourself that you’re happy, but just happy when you are yourself. For those who have experiences they should never have to deal with, to be able to pull through (For those who gave such torture to realise what they have done, apologise – and mean it – and lead a better life). For everyone to be able to look past life’s cruelty and dwell only on the joys. For those who also only wish to die, to not be thought negatively of for doing the only thing you saw possible at the time.
Perhaps most importantly (To myself at least, though I know for many others too), for a miracle to happen. I hope that one day, society can understand people as individuals or at least make the attempt to, rather than pushing us aside into groups of “depressed kid” or “pregnant teen” or “alcoholic parent” etc. That only forms the foundation for judgement and there’s so much more to someone than what they show, or what they’ve let known to those around them. You never know a person completely. You simply can’t. Just accept that everyone is different and don’t make anyone conform to any unwritten rules, just to be accepted as a person.
Good luck to everyone, whichever road you journey on in life.
Sincerely,
DoD
6 comments
@DoD You have a lot of advantages to your situation. 1st it seems you have only depression(no co-morbid disorders like bipolar, anxiety, schizophrenia, etc) 2nd you have a support system. And 3rd your still very young. I don’t say that to make light of your situation. I’m only saying that you have a better shot of getting better and being even stronger because of it. A few words of advice… It is extremely difficult your natural survival instincts, know the hurt you’ll cause to loved ones and still do it. You find your self getting to dates you set and not doing it often. It is very difficult to kill ones self. You need to find something that makes you happy and pursue that and stop chasing perfection. Your not a bad person you only have a bad self image.
@DoD , …….. I always find it difficult to respond when people cover so much. You were all over the board. I agree with kno1 Says, you have alot on your side to be one which can possibly overcome and live a good life.
Time is sometimes a horrible thing when people say just give it time, yeah right, time is what hurts.
@kno1: The only thing is, currently the only option I am given is to go back to therapy. I’ve seen about seven people there, and I’ve been humiliated and mocked many times. I’m told to be open and honest, so I was. It seems the more open and honest I am, the worse I become. I live in constant fear. Fear from threats of others to tell someone else something I’ve enclosed in the conversation. Fear of never meeting standards. I became a perfectionist after being yelled at for not getting full marks in an exam in Year 5. Nowadays it pursues because I simply do not know what to do. I ask what I should do, and am told to think for myself. I do, and get told I’m thinking the wrong things. The cycle continues.
Besides, my therapist told me I didn’t have any type of disorder, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with me. It took them 17 months to decide on that. I knew before I went, but being told in such way was just a blow.
I have honestly never said to someone, “I want to live”, only the opposite. I know I will hurt people, I know I shouldn’t kill myself because of all the amazing people who I’ve met. But no one is listening to me when I say “I want to die”. They only think to *make* me want to live. And that’s the problem. I don’t want to live.
@caucajun32: I think that’s where my main problem lies – that everything is in place but myself. Everyone’s there to support me and listen to whatever complaints I have, but because there isn’t really anything that’s wrong with me, I don’t understand how I can overcome it.
Maybe it is being a teenager after all. But we work and suffer and sure, we have those great moments that make us smile upon remembrance, but in the end, what is the point? We build up a life that is completely taken away. A while back on here, someone posted “Life sucks. And then you die”. To that, I silently answered the saying, “Better sooner than later”. Is it not?
Thank you both for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it and I apologize that it’s in my nature to almost ‘challenge’ what you have said. I hope you don’t think too negatively of me as a result.
I like you. You’re a good writer. And everything i’m not. Which is why you really shouldn’t die.
Yeah, the short phrases of… whatever. But i mean them. Your writing style kind of makes me drool, and i usually don’t approve of teenagers in general.
I’m tired. Bye.
I don’t think less of you I’ve learned don’t be honest with people a bout suicide unless they are counselors. I would see a new counselor and get raw with him/her off rip. Say how your sick of quacks trivializing your suicidal thoughts and how your need help and that if they bs you you’ll leave after 1 session.
you say you don’t want to live and I believe that. I’ve been there, and I’m there constantly. I won’t try to convince you otherwise.
but how do you know you wouldn’t want to live if your situation were different? if you’re going to end it in january, and that’s that, and you’re SURE you want to die, then drop out of school and backpack around the world first. why not? donate your life to charitable organizations in africa. help someone else. give back. maybe you don’t want to live, but maybe your life has a purpose that will benefit someone else.
you don’t need to want to live, at least, not at the moment. if it’s all or nothing for you, why don’t change every single thing about your life and see if you feel differently? you’ve never done that, not if you’re living with your family, talking to your friends, and going to school, you couldn’t have. how do you know you won’t see a point to living if you have the apartment you want, the job you want, the lover you want.