Alone-ly

This was written several years ago, when I was 19.  It is a tribute to anyone who has ever felt so isolated. 

Alone-ly

    Inira sat back and admired her handiwork.  It was a good job, she thought. No one who looked would believe them anything more than cat scratches.  All to the good, she thought.  Her beloved kitty St. Clair wouldn’t be likely to leave marks like these, but it wouldn’t be the first time. 

   Of course, they would know.  She pushed that thought from her mind.  After five years of experience with crystals, she knew what crystals could and could not sense.  It was possible to keep a secret from a crystal, provided you avoid thinking it directly. Since crystals could also sense mental pictures, it was best not to think about something altogether.  Of course, it was much harder keeping a secret from one’s own crystal.  Inira was safer in that regard, since she didn’t have one.

   That thought nearly made Inira cry again.  That was what this whole mess was about.  She didn’t have a crystal, though she had wanted one for years.  All her friends had crystals, but she did not. Crystals had a deep, personal bond with their persons, and Inira felt the loss deeply.  She felt like half of her was missing, like a bicycle without wheels or a teapot without a handle. 

   What annoyed her most was that, to most of the world, she had nothing to cry about.  Her friends had always been very supporting, and they had said many times they couldn’t do without her.

   And yet… The thought rose unbidden to Inira’s mind.  They were all supporting, but they didn’t understand, not one of them.   It was lonesome being a One in a world of Twos.  And now, as teenagers, more of her friends were developing bonds of other kinds, with one another.   It seemed strange to see them dating now, since they would all live longer than she would.  She had matured earlier, and would age faster, than all of her friends. 

   Under such conditions, it would be cruel for her to date, for she would be sure to break his heart.  And still, Inira couldn’t help being jealous of her friends as they went about establishing partnerships.  Haley and Tegeronis were together, of course, that was a virtual certainty.  Sitanni and Reschal had been together as long as Inira had known them.  And Azzie and Saras, M’tannit and M’kadi, Mala and Derrin, all were partners of a few years now. And even Sendarak had surprised Inira by dating Senga only a few months before.  This made Inira especially upset, for Senga and Sendarak were her best friends.  And though she would admit it to no one, she harbored a secret crush on Sendarak.  She didn’t even approach that thought. 

   It especially annoyed her, she thought bitterly, that they were perfectly suited for each other.  She of all people had to admit that.

   And yet… There was that thought again.  It wasn’t enough.  Not to her.  She had longed, yearned for the sort of bond Senga shared with her crystal, and more importantly, what she shared with Sendarak.  And after five years, that hope seemed further away.  Inira had never stopped hoping that somehow, against all odds, that she would find a crystal especially for her.  But she had to be realistic.  Even if she did find one, it was doubtful it would be the right match, and even more doubtful that Inira could Bond with it as an adult.  There had to be a limit. 

   Everyone had tried to tell her, repeatedly in fact, that it didn’t matter.  She didn’t need a Bond, because she could talk to any of the others.  But Inira no longer found that comforting.  She had never been more aware of how truly shallow that communication was, in comparison to the Bond between crystal and person.  It was easy for them to say, for they had crystals. But it didn’t matter. What was the use of having every pool in the world to drink from if she could never quench her thirst from any of them?  Should she be satisfied, then, to go thirsty while watching other people drink their fill?  Was it all right to eat raw meat while other people had theirs cooked?

   Inira was willing, with every fiber of her being, to trade in everything she had for the sake of a pure, unconditional Bond.  For that, she would give anything, anything.

  But it was useless to dream.  She would have to accept it some time or another. She would spend her whole life with the knowledge of something better, something she had no chance of attaining.  She could never forget it, for every day just being alive, just hearing a crystal voice, brought everything back.  And she didn’t even have the option of running away. 

   A single tear fell on the knife wounds carved so carefully into her arm.  She pressed a hand against them to stop the bleeding.  As she did, she recalled a book she had read years ago, at home.  It was about a computer who was the only one of his kind.  He, too, wanted to find a partner.  “I am alone.  Lonely. I.  Alone-ly. I am alone-ly.” How true that was, Inira thought quietly to herself.  Alone-ly.  What a fine word to describe her predicament.  And very quietly, with barely a thought in her mind, Inira recited that final statement.  Alone-ly. I am alone-ly.