I’m almost this close…..

November 15th, 2011by underthehill

Im 26,just got out of a 3 year relationship with a guy I thought I loved….I owe $7500 towards a bank loan..accumulated $1500 in interest on top of that…I owe $800 to a local communications company….Plus rent is due in two weeks and im recently unemployed,my wallet was stolen last week and it contained almost 2 months rent inside…..My mom and dad don’t make an effort to talk to me(im the only child) I havent spoken with them in 3 weeks and I miss them so much but they think I only call home when I need money which is far from the truth I feel like there very dissapointed in me,they never call me …….my ex came and slept over this past weekend telling me he is not in a relationship to only find out he’s dating some ugly chick. I was creeping on facebook and came across her new profile pic with him and her together…..but thats not even what bugs me the worst..I can do better than him (although I dont like to think like that) I’ve just went through a mild stage of alcoholism which I treated myself ( i was getting drunk alone almost 4 times a week for 2 months)…..I dont even have the urge or craving for booze right now although I like to get loaded once a week…it helps me escape reality for at least one night a week. My main concern is my debt…I just moved back to my home City and Im finding it difficult to find work and christmas is rolling around the corner and my bills are stacking up……I feel like my only way to escape is suicide and it almost gets me excited in a way….this is the feeling I live with……What stops me is knowing i’ll be leaving behind alot of hurt people especially my parents…. no one knows what im going through..im a good actress……I feel like I should keep fighting and that it will get better,life will get easier…but I feel like iv’e been fighting for a while and life just is cruel and I’m ready to give up..my friends are buying houses having babies and what am I doing???….where did I go wrong….I’ve had 2 wonderful careers so far but now it seems work is hard to find…I want to go back to university but Im in so much debt….im lost …I cried 5 times today………probably cried to myself 20 times in the last week or so…….I don’t cry…..never and now im a faucet…..Im 26 and having nothing to show but a broken heart,dissapointed parents and a dissapointed me…I’m slowly gaining weight…..and I find myself feeling at ease when I think that all I have to do is be brave for those 10 minutes and all the pain and suffering will be gone and I will be at peace……It scares me to think that im getting braver to do the wrong thing every day…….

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