Lost and confused

November 6th, 2011by Agraebeth

I think ever since I was in elementary I have been depressed. I also think that is when I thought about suicide. I don’t think I knew back them what suicide was, but I knew that I just didn’t want to be here any more. I’ve never gone through with it, but it has always been there in the back of my mind. I also didn’t think that liking both boys and girls was a natural thing to do. At least that is what The Lady kept saying whenever I heard her talk about the subject. I do love her, but I cannot stand all of her racist ideologies. The only people who she won’t talk bad about are people who are white and don’t have no strange sounding name or are married to anyone who is not white or of the same sex.

My older sister has always been the party type of person. She snuck out of the house, and when it came to classes she really didn’t care. Then there is my older brother. He is smart as can be, but he has a very bad temper when he gets angry. He as well didn’t care much for his classes and he barely passed high school with the help of my mother and grandmother. And then there is little old me. The youngest of the three. Because the way my sister and brother are, I was made to be the good, nice, quiet girl that can do no wrong. Because of this I have always kept my emotions bottled up, and I have never let anyone in.

Flash forward to now, I am a Senior in college studying to become an Accountant. I’ve heard people say that college is a time to get to know yourself and to be able to express yourself. Well I can honestly say that I hate college. I hate Accounting. It is the most boring subject for me and I have absolutely no interest in it. My mother whom I call The Lady, is making me become an Accountant. It was either become a Nurse or become an Accountant since those are the ones that provide job security. I’ve tried telling her, but since she is the one providing the money for me to attend college I can’t do much. Because I hate Accounting so much and all of the classes, I’ve let my grades be affected by it. I start out good going to all my classes, but then I stop going and my grades have dropped dramatically. I even think this semester I have failed most of my classes. I’m afraid that I may flunk out of college and may never be able to get my dream job because of this.

I guess I should tell you all that my dream job is to become a child psychiatrist. My best friend in middle school is the reason why I want to become a child psychiatrist. I made a comment to her while we were eating lunch on how I liked the song Concrete Angel by Martina McBride and how sad it was that parents could do that to their own children. After I said that I can never forget the comment she said to me after. Her words she said to me were, “My mom thinks that song is about me.” I wanted to ask her more what she meant, but I didn’t know what to do or say. After that day I never questioned her anymore and after we moved on to high school I lost all contact with her. Even now I wonder if she is doing well and how she is doing physically and mentally.

The only thing that gets me through the day are my nieces and nephew, but sometimes I think even that is not enough. Everyday I pretend to be happy and have a smile on my face. I’ve gotten so good at it that even sometimes I think it’s real. I’ve put on this charade for so long that I don’t know who I am anymore. Thank you all for reading this. I’m sure there were many grammatical mistakes and for that I say oh well. It felt nice to say all this and get it out in the open. Hopefully I can figure out what to do next. I wish you all the best of luck with your lives and hope all goes well for you whomever you are.

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