my rant..

why cant i stop wanting to die?.. i love life at times but other times…. i just cant breath. my chest feel like its going to explode.. i dont know if i can take much more of this. people on here are so nice to me. i dont even know any of you and ur trying to help me. that makes me so happy. but then i get off my computer, put down my sketch pad, and turn off my ipod. then im back in reality where people are horrible and mean!.. i hate when people judge me and lie to me… why is it when im alone with those 3 things i can be happy but when im in school or just walking around i feel scared… life confuses the fuck out of me.

in all honesty, and i know this is stupid but the band Black Veil Brides saved my life and has been saving it for a long time.. i know totally stupid to depend on a band to save you. but this band makes me happy im different and proud to be a freak. but sometimes its not enough. i dont know how much longer music is going to help me.

im trying. im trying to be possitive and happy. its not easy though. i cant help but cry when i walk into my house.  my dads memory haunts my house. and it creaps me the fuck out. most people would be happy the one they lost is still with them and they can tell.. me.. i wish it would stop. it  just makes everything harder.

i dont know what to do anymore, im trying. thats all i can do. im going to try to smile as much as possible.

for the people who said break up with the boyfriend i have to anyway in 2 months. ill be 18 he’s 16 so i have to end it anyway.. im keeping him till then so i can feel loved.. just a little longer. have someone say im beautiful and smart for al ittle while longer..

lifes a *****..