I want to rip myself into a million little pieces. The worst part is that I’m so fucking perfect. I’m the double zero who always gets the guy. I’m the enchanting student with the brilliant mind. I’m the girl who is nice to everyone. I’m the girl that parents wish their son would marry. I’m THAT girl. But I still hate every single fiber of my being. I have everything going well for me on the outside. Inside I’m just bleeding and bleeding. I should be dead by now. How did I make it this far? There is only so long that the crushing pain can be endured. I want to disappear. I wish that I could just fall into the void. But I love so many people. And it doesn’t feel like anyone loves me. I’m so empty and my heart is so broken. The pain falls away for months at a time and I think that it won’t be back. Somehow it always finds its way back in. And it always rips away what I had found and what I had loved. When the darkness has crushed out every semblance of hope and love, then the numbness sets in. I want to feel anything other than the dull ache in my chest. I’m too exhausted to even kill myself. I just plan and plan and wait for the day when someday I’ll be free.
2 comments
People love you. Parts of your brain just aren’t processing it. You seen a therapist? Maybe you’re trying too hard to be perfect?
It sounds like your suffering depression due to perfectionism. I’m sure you’re loved. Hell I love you and I’ve never met you.