Have you ever tried to contemplate the magnitude of how many people are on this Earth? Amongst the seven billion here on Earth today, lies me. I’m hopelessly mediocre. I’m a generic mass of molecules, the most insignificant and unidentified of them all. As much as I want to influence and create change in this world, I feel so incompetent in even bothering. I’m nothing notable, distinct, or significant. I’m 19 years old, a veritable arsenal of potential among seven billion others, all of whom are simultaneously trying to claw themselves up to significance. There seems no logical reason to try to become someone because I have no promising output for my energy, so why get my hopes up when it always leads to disappointment and inevitable failure? I once yearned for myself to discover my talents, to wake each morning exert my skills and see progress come about through hard work, to do something, anything, worthwhile. I have nothing to define myself; I have skills which are admirable but so easily forgettable.
I have no hope, no inspiration, no outlet for my diminishing energy whatsoever. I spend my days sleeping, eating, and dragging myself to work and school, feeling so indistinct I feel half-dead in my steps. Why should I bother doing anything besides the essentials, when any action I take just leads to it falling in the ranks of gray mediocrity? I’m a man of bland averages. I get up in the mornings only to work to pay rent, to go to university to get a useless degree like all the others before me. I’m not self-loathing, but I’m holding on to the faith that I’ll one day become something, and sadly that faith is leaking rapidly.
I’m tired of consuming, in the broadest sense of the word. I consume the best music, visual art, language and philosophy available. I reap the rewards of a society that provides me everything by those whose skills and talents will be remembered, appreciated and admired. I want to be the one providing inspiration, yet it is so insurmountable that I’ve lost any hope of doing good in this world. I’m tired of watching my dreams fail, so I’ve reduced myself to not trying at all.
Throughout all of this, I could always count on my studies as a commerce student. This year I failed my first second-year math midterm, and I later dropped the class and will likely drop out of the program that provided me the false security I relied on so foolishly. I can’t even succeed at the one thing I felt competent and slightly skilled in.
If you saw me, you’d have no idea I was depressed. I didn’t even realize I was depressed until I thought about the weeks on end I spend in my room, sleeping and wasting away in my insignificance, surrendering to my incompetence.
My hope in myself is like trying to keep water in my hands. It’s irreplaceable.
4 comments
I’ve been on this site for a few months. I read many stories where the writer says that hey want to change the world and afailure to do so, or become somebody important they become suicidal.
I don’t get it, I really don’t (I’m not belittling your feeling and or beliefs). Why would changing the world be so important that the very thought of not being able to do so has you suicidal.
When I look at the history of humans, we see a “Few” that have made a mark in that way. So why would anyone think that it’s so important.
I mean people make a difference to others in so many ways than becoming “somebody”, they serve food at a homeless shelter, volunteer at a Hospital, etc, etc, etc,.
Life is for the most part a series of events where we achieve little things that add up over time, into “integrity”. I think that is the biggest achievment a human can attain.
Hang in there life can get real different for you. Lower your expectations and you may find your a little more content.
Hey.. I read what you wrote and I can totally relate to you with some of the thing you said. Changing the world isn’t something easy to do, and if you want to do it you can’t just give up on it like that. No matter how bad the situation maybe you can never loose hope and give up. If Gandhi, Aristotle, Plato and etc didn’t have hope and believed in themselves they wouldn’t be role models for some of us today in the 21st century and on going. Have faith and believe in yourself. Life doesn’t work by walking away from the hard times, it’s how you deal with it and what you learn from the different things you go through. I don’t know you, you don’t know me but I hope you take in what I’m saying into consideration. Believe in yourself so others can too.
Check out a book called the selfish gene.
It’s by Dawkins or one of the other Darwin type guys.
Explains a lot.
The world has become VERY shallow. Even if you try your best, they just won’t get you or your point. Blame this useless world instead of thinking of yourself as something worthless.