The Great Diminishment

  November 11th, 2011 by Thediminishment

Have you ever tried to contemplate the magnitude of how many people are on this Earth? Amongst the seven billion here on Earth today, lies me. I’m hopelessly mediocre. I’m a generic mass of molecules, the most insignificant and unidentified of them all. As much as I want to influence and create change in this world, I feel so incompetent in even bothering. I’m nothing notable, distinct, or significant. I’m 19 years old, a veritable arsenal of potential among seven billion others, all of whom are simultaneously trying to claw themselves up to significance. There seems no logical reason to try to become someone because I have no promising output for my energy, so why get my hopes up when it always leads to disappointment and inevitable failure? I once yearned for myself to discover my talents, to wake each morning exert my skills and see progress come about through hard work, to do something, anything, worthwhile. I have nothing to define myself; I have skills which are admirable but so easily forgettable.

I have no hope, no inspiration, no outlet for my diminishing energy whatsoever. I spend my days sleeping, eating, and dragging myself to work and school, feeling so indistinct I feel half-dead in my steps. Why should I bother doing anything besides the essentials, when any action I take just leads to it falling in the ranks of gray mediocrity? I’m a man of bland averages. I get up in the mornings only to work to pay rent, to go to university to get a useless degree like all the others before me. I’m not self-loathing, but I’m holding on to the faith that I’ll one day become something, and sadly that faith is leaking rapidly.

I’m tired of consuming, in the broadest sense of the word. I consume the best music, visual art, language and philosophy available. I reap the rewards of a society that provides me everything by those whose skills and talents will be remembered, appreciated and admired. I want to be the one providing inspiration, yet it is so insurmountable that I’ve lost any hope of doing good in this world. I’m tired of watching my dreams fail, so I’ve reduced myself to not trying at all.

Throughout all of this, I could always count on my studies as a commerce student. This year I failed my first second-year math midterm, and I later dropped the class and will likely drop out of the program that provided me the false security I relied on so foolishly. I can’t even succeed at the one thing I felt competent and slightly skilled in.

If you saw me, you’d have no idea I was depressed. I didn’t even realize I was depressed until I thought about the weeks on end I spend in my room, sleeping and wasting away in my insignificance, surrendering to my incompetence.

My hope in myself is like trying to keep water in my hands. It’s irreplaceable.

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