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Why do we suffer? I feel like somehow all this is making me grow. I find it very hard to believe that we suffer this much and nothing comes out of it, maybe that’s why I’m searching for hope all the time and waiting. To suffer like this, there’s bound to be something that’ll be worth it all. I don’t know if it’s worth it, but I can say from what I’ve heard and managed to feel before, maybe it is worth it; to function, to be happy, to be alive. We can “treat” all these mental disorders sometimes, such as depression, anxiety, OCD, or insomnia with pills and therapy. Despair, alienation, loneliness, hopelessness and anguish may even vanish, but what then happens to us? Do we need our pain? Does suffering make us stronger as individuals?

One thing I can say is, despite how awful I feel on a daily basis.. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without this pain, depression. In some ways, it’s made me grow. I’m not happy, and I haven’t been for happy for a decent amount of time for as long as I can remember, but without this.. I don’t think I could appreciate beauty, all the complexities, and life itself. Maybe I’m saying that because having this has become a part of who I am now, I can’t really imagine myself without it, which is bad; but well I don’t know.

I used to think that I was here for a reason, that God put me here for some purpose. Maybe I felt that way because I went to church for years because of my parents. Stupid really, or at least to me. To put your faith in someone that could possibly not even exist ( I don’t think he exists, but I can’t disprove it so I’ll leave it at “could”), but I get that. It’s easier to follow orders, it’s human nature after all; we’re all social creatures. I would confide in him with prayers, and even pleas.. nothing ever really happened. Maybe it was selfish of me to only pray when I’d run out of options; it was a last resort.

I definitely became darker through feeling so badly, and reading. I reached a conclusion in life, and that was that everything here has no meaning, and we are just here with no purpose. And I completely agree with that. Everything you and I do, has no meaning whatsoever. Initially though, but you make your own meaning or lack thereof whatever it is you wish. That’s the freedom each one of us has in this world.

I found a reason to live and a meaning in life (excuse the cliché), but it was for someone else. I don’t think it was a bad thing, but I never really grew into my own person.. I’d feed off other people’s happiness. That’s the thing, I feel plastic. If I’m not feeling really bad, I just feel apathetic, as if I’m lifeless. Maybe that’s why she’s left, I never knew how to have fun, relax and I’m so obsessive. Actually there was an array of reasons, but I don’t know.. after being with her so long, and having that routine down, and actually feeling good from time to time.. to this.. it’s been surreal. There is a saying. “If you love someone, set them free. They’ll come back if it was meant to be.” So I guess I’m waiting, I won’t give up hope. I guess I should focus on being happy on my own anyway, it’ll probably help everything. It’s the hopeless romantic in me that keeps me from actually doing anything; everyday I find myself wishing, just wishing that I could wake up and find myself still with her, or at least not exist anymore. Without her, I feel much worse than I did before I met her… I feel empty, lost and lonely all over again. It’s almost unreal how much people can affect you. I don’t know, I feel like everything around me is just falling apart, if it hasn’t already. I’m really skeptical about just me and everything around me, I can’t seem to find any meaning in anything I’m doing..  there’s nothing.

Without love, without people, what is a person?