Hi there, I have a fiance whom I love very much and is now going through a period of depression. We have been together for more than 3 years now and in March next year it will be 4 years.We used to work and live together in Asia and he had to go back to his home country a couple of months a go.
This is not the first time he is in depression and he had been having thought about suicide for so many times. I, myself, had a suicide attempt a long time a go and frankly speaking there were several other times when I thought about it fairly recently. The truth is, I love my fiance very much and I want to be there for him always, but we live separately in different countries. Being thousand miles away from each other is really frustrating because in the time like this, I just want to be close to him and show him that I am always there for him no matter what.
Recently he pushed me away, which really heartbreaking for me. I am upset, but I know that it is not because he doesn’t love me anymore, it is because he is in that period of depression. Sadly, instead of taking me in, he chose to cast me away. I tried to explain to him that I never give a damn about his condition, not that I don’t care, but no matter what condition he is in, I love him still the same if not more. He is feeling low because he thinks that he is worthless and he wouldn’t take any of my compliments about him. I have tried to lift him up, but nothing seemed to work. He only listened to himself. While it saddened me, I know that deep down inside he loves me just as much and he knows how I feel about him.
I am at present also in a period of depression. I am HIV positive and on medication, unfortunately one of the side effects is depression. So, I am dealing with my own issue and at the same time worried about my fiance. But I know that my depression is a temporary thing, so I will get over it soon. And I also know that my issue is not as deep as his. I feel that my fiance and I need to support each other, but it seems to be difficult to make him understand that I am here for him, that I love him the way he is with all his strengths, weaknesses and issues. He has a good heart. He chose me to be his partner even though he knows I am HIV positive and he is not. He is a very intelligent, funny, good looking, smart and likable person, but when he is depressed he withdraw himself from everything. He told me that chasing him is only going to force him away from me. He asked me not to contact him anymore and didn’t reply my emails. With all the distance and time difference, it is hard for me not to communicate with him. So, I decided to do what he asked, but I fear that one day instead of coming back to me, he will walk away from me. I really can’t imagine my life without him. He is not flawless and not perfect, but his imperfection and flaws make him a perfect human being to me.
I want him to understand that I need him in my life, that he means a lot to me and that I can be a reliable partner for him to go through the bad times together. I want him to understand that him having his problem is not going to make me love him any less than now. I want him to understand that I want to be there for him and walk side by side to overcome any problems that he has. I want him to understand that his depression is never an issue for me, that I don’t mind it, that I am willing to take my chance to live with him. I want him to see that I am willing to share my life with him. I want him to know that he is everything I am looking for in a man.
So, now I am just here… waiting for him to re-open himself to me. And the thought of him not being with me is killing me! I want to send him emails to show support but I fear it will push him even further from me. I am suffering because I cannot do much from here. I really wish I was there…. beside him…. I want him to feel good about himself again, but I seem to hit the wall.