idk whats wrong with me. no matter what i do nothing is good enough. I have a d in calc and im questioning gender again and march 15 is coming up. i planned to die two years ago on that day and fuck. everything hurts and i wanna relapse and i’ve lost all motivation to stay clean or do anything and fuck. i just want everything to be over.
One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe. It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence? Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary skills, his dream of becoming a chef and his fascination with living in Japan someday, our daughter’s early high school graduation, 18th birthday, first year of college and her being on the honor roll with a 3.81 GPA and her extraordinary producing and deejaying talents, is saddening. The reality that you will not be present for other monumental moments in their lives such as college graduations, weddings, births is even more heartbreaking. The thought that our beautiful daughter and handsome son haven’t had a male role model since you left, causes tears to well in my eyes almost every single day. When our son comes to me asking questions only a man can authentically answer, I do my best to fill your shoes but I shouldn’t have to. When our daughter tells me that a young man she’s dating reminds her of you in the way he protects her, it’s bittersweet. Bitter for obvious reasons and sweet because she at least has someone who, for that moment, is a positive reminder of you. You left us to pick up a million shattered pieces. You left me to raise two human beings that we created together, on my own and it hasn’t always been a breathtakingly gorgeous emotional walk in the park. There have been and will be countless nights I shut myself in and weep silently in my pillow so not to cast any more of a crushing burden on our children. Why couldn’t you have been strong enough to pull through the rough times? Why couldn’t you have in the darkest of hours, seen their four impressionable eyes staring back at you, counting on you to be the protector as you’d always been? Where did the tragic turn in the journey begin and ultimately end? Why did you let go of this thing called life? Was there something I could have done or, anyone for that matter, to change your mind? Is it unfair of me to call you weak, curse your ashes and regret the day I met you? Absolutely because obviously, you felt an indescribable hopelessness in which I simply cannot fathom. This tragedy has taught me, albeit a process, not to project so much but to lead with compassion, understanding and empathy. One never knows how rough someone’s terrain is until they too walk on that very terrain in that someone’s shoes. Just because there’s a smile on someone’s face doesn’t always mean their spirit shares that very sentiment. Who am I to judge you? Will I still have my moments of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole bunch of feelings and emotions I sometimes choose not to control just so I can allow myself to feel organically, versus distract myself and become numb? The answer is a resounding yes. I’m human and I’ll always wish you were here to see our babies, who are now young adults. Watching them triumphantly maneuver through this cold world we live carrying the legacy of you not being here on their backs, assures me they are resilient and in time, they will be just fine. They are truly champions and my hero and heroine. I cannot help but acknowledge and credit you though for most of what you instilled in them during the brief time you had in their world, which contributed to the stand up and strong human beings that they are. Thank you for that because outside of God’s love, those very attributes are the things that have enabled them to keep moving forward and upward, even when the light is so dim at the end of the tunnel. Not a day goes by in which we don’t share a story and/or a laugh about you and despite it all, you are terribly missed. I know that it will never be easy but each day, it will get easier. Continue to rest in peace.
Hi guys, I finished ‘My heart and other black holes’ a few minutes ago. I was reading it second time. Why? Because I feel so bad. I know that I have a lot of mental health problems… yeah… who haven’t here… but sometimes is worse. You know this time in your life (day, week, month) when you feel worse. Worse than normal. I don’t know what I want to say in this post. Maybe I need some space to write about my feelings. I study abroad in London from September. That was my dream, this is my dream. I had been thinking about it since primary school and now I am here. I should be happy propably, yeah… but I am not, not at all (and sorry my English sometimes sucks but I try my best okay xD). I am on good Uni, I have friends (here not many but I have not problem with meeting new people and I have a lot of friends from my country so we can write on Messenger all the time), I like my body/face/apparence, I have a lot of plans for my future- I know what I want to be. So why I am not satisfied? Why I feel so blue? I cry and think about comitte suicide a lot. But I don’t wanna die. Because if I die I won’t be able to realize my plans. I’ll never be satisfied.
blue.
I’ve pushed many people away. Maybe I can end it and no one would care. Maybe this is a cry for help, or me ranting. Either way, I hope this pain will stop.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Being a good and nice person is not enough
You also must be ‘smart’ especially in terms of knowing how to make money. And often times, that also means you also have to be opportunistic, follow the system & rules (just like everybody else), even be cunning, sly, ruthless, brash, full of tricks, greedy, selfish, ready to step on other people who are ‘weaker’ (eg: poorer, etc).
Money is everything in our modern society today, unfortunately. It’s all about money nowadays. And if you can’t beat the system, then you have to join them. Everyday you are forced to survive, or for survival. And if you’re not strong enough to follow the system/rules, then too bad, either you will lose, get left out, get sidelined, trampled, kicked in a dirt, become a loser or failure in society, or you will die because you can’t survive.
Maybe life is just not for everyone. Maybe some of us are not meant to live in this world, society, existence, or whatever it is. Maybe it’s all really random and nihilistic, ie: some will live, and some will die. Just like ants, some will survive, and some will be killed, can’t survive, got unfortunate/bad luck, and die.
Life is depressing. Society is depressing. This world is depressing. Even all this whole existence thing is just depressing, mundane/boring, very limiting, sick, pointless/meaningless (for some people who really realize it), and honestly, everything is just so stupid.
In the midst of another outbreak of depression, I found this website through the magical wonder that is Google Chrome. Apparently, searching terms idly such as, “can i just die” and, “does my life matter” actually aren’t completely useless. Let’s start with some basics. My name is Adam. I am 15 years old as of writing this. My mother passed away due to complications regarding lung cancer about a year and a half ago, leaving my already dysfunctional family fractured in an injury that seems beyond healing. I struggle with severe social anxiety, which I believe to contribute a great deal to my depression. Anyways, here I am, ready to spill my heart and ideas out to a bunch of strangers around the world.
Writing this, I find my decision to even share this with anyone, much less people I don’t know on the internet, slightly odd. In thinking about that, I realize just how attention-starved I must be. After all, the only people in my life that seem to even remotely understand the position I’m in are the people who are paid to do so. Man, that’s a depressing thought. My father works all day, my brothers are in a constant state of distraction to avoid their problems, and my peers are too busy beating themselves up about having A-’s in one class. (I live in a predominantly wealthy Asian town in the Bay Area) In that case, writing this doesn’t feel too stupid. After all, you and I share something no? A bond over suffering, pain, and perhaps some trauma. With that in mind, I don’t wish for practical and literal things from people anymore. All I ask is for people to take the time to understand me, in which I am always left short. Maybe that’s why I’m here.
In my opinion, when viewed from a completely “rational” point of view, life is simply not worth living. It is my belief that even your average Joe will suffer far more than he experiences positivity and pleasure. From a mathematical perspective, negatives cancel out positives. If the end result is negative, then why live? Depression may seem like a corner that you’re trapped in, unable to experience happiness and positivity because there is none right?! Well I disagree with that. Depression distorts your perspective, making you interpret even the positive things as negative. If I were to grow older and survive the violence that I perceive to be adulthood, my goal would be to find a way to live with the ludicrousness that is society. This is in stark contrast to what I believe most people do; throw a bunch of shit on top of the wounds and hope they heal, or stay underneath all that shit so that that they don’t even realize the wound exists.
When searching random shit on Google for the 800th time, I happened upon an article attempting to reach out to people actively considering suicide. Out of curiosity, I read the article. One of it’s most facinating arguments was the idea that, “People consider suicide for relief from pain. Relief is a feeling, one you have to be alive to experience.” Have you ever told yourself or a trusted individual that, “I want to die, but I don’t want to kill myself.” That reality is one that keeps me alive everyday, somehow. Now is that my body biologically telling my brain that it wants to live, or is it something greater? I believe the latter. If you’re reading this, think about it. No matter where you are, what you’ve done, or how you feel, there has to be a future with a positive outcome right? For me at least, I’ve come to realize that I’m not as screwed in life as I would believe I was. Though I am far into a dark tunnel, the faint hints of light at the end begin to shine through in some of my better moments during each day. However, that alone won’t ease my mind. When everyday contains a similar struggle, seeing point B from point A won’t help you get to B. There are still many days between me and that moment.
With that in mind, I frequently ask myself, “Why?” Why should I keep fighting this war that I didn’t start? Why should I persevere? That is what drives the idea that suicide is even a remotely plausible option. Why continue? When life is pain, why keep going? For me, I’m still here because the idea of a light at the end of a tunnel, though not necessarily confirmed to exist, entices me to continue living. To cling on to life.
If you’re still here, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to hear what I have to say.
Adam
The thing is, my whole family’s depressed, and has always been depressed, for as long as I can remember. It’s just that I can force myself to function more or less to the standards of the outside world, where they don’t. I can drag myself to work, I can take a shower if it’s a weekday (and I have to go to work). I can slap on a smile and strike up a conversation. Sure, I can’t do anything else–can’t buy food for myself, eat, cut my hair, clean, read, pursue a hobby, buy a phone, or do anything other than shut down and become near-catatonic when I shut the door to my apartment in the evening. It’s not just the misery, but how the misery puts a fog over my brain so I can’t properly think about anything in the way I know I’m supposed to be able to. It’s how I’m more and more frequently gripped by a heart-stopping panic that makes me want to run for my life, stop sleeping, die. And yet, even through all of this, my family and coworkers think I’m just fine and well adjusted–of course they do, because all society at large really cares for is how smooth a cog you can be in the fucking capitalism machine. I can do my job. Only my job. That’s all that matters, huh? I can’t possibly be doing at all bad like my older brother still flunking through his classes in college, or my unemployed/barely employed parents. I have a paycheck!
to say i’m stressed would be an understatement.
these days have been so hectic, i feel like i can’t keep up with everything, but everyone is constantly telling me to keep up, to cheer up, to calm down, to just stop feeling stressed. mental health has been a mess lately, and today is just not working for me. sometimes i wish i caught a cold so i could rest in bed, but then i remember that even if i’m too ill to get out of bed, i’ll still have to do everything.
the problem isn’t having stuff to do, the problem is having to do things for everyone, and having to leave my things at the bottom of my list of things to do. there’s so much on my mind that i want to talk about, but everyone would most likely think i’m being annoying so i’ll keep it to myself.
i cried today while trying to turn on a fan and i haven’t eaten anything since 8am this morning, but nobody here gives a damn about that. i feel so tired, even though i sleep. it feels so crowded in my head, even though it’s just me. i don’t know what to do or how to cope, or anything honestly. who knows if i make it to December, i honestly feel like i’m going to explode soon.
i’ve felt pretty dizzy all day, and i think it’s because of stress, but i’m not sure.
anyways, i’ll shut up now.
I will consume you. I will completely take over your life. You’ll think you’re in control but really I will be. I’ll change the way you think about everything, the way you live. I will slowly destroy everything you once knew and loved. I will ruin your life until you don’t want it anymore. I’ve always been a winner, even when other people say you can beat me. You can’t. I will end you. Or you will end your life because you can’t live with me anymore. I’m too powerful for you to handle.
I am depression.
Living really takes it out of me. Just breathing, surviving another day. It requires so much effort.
Being alive is honestly the last thing that I want. I absolutely hate myself. I hate this world too. I can’t look at myself in the mirror, and I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t have any talents and I am not attending school at the moment because I don’t have the energy (to deal with people’s shit and I don’t see the point in doing work because I am unable to take that work further due to my lack of skill and talent). I practise the things that used to ease my mind in the past, hoping for the same result but to no avail. I practise so much, and I never get any better. I often wonder what it must be like to be good at something, to fully enjoy something and to want to cling to life. There isn’t really much I can or want to do in this world.
It is quite an ugly place and certainly not a place I want to be in. I have never had a single true friend. My life has been made up of disappointments, betrayals and back-stabbers. Guess that’s where I get my extreme trust issues from.
I’m used to people using me as a stepping stone and then discarding me, it barely bothers me because I have learnt not to get attached, but at times, I do feel alone.
Everytime something hurts me, I am unable to recover. They just dig deeper and deeper into me, gourging out my insides and leaving me as a shell. I am unable to rebuild myself. Perhaps I’m weak, perhaps I’m just tired. It doesn’t matter though, nothing ever does to me.
I do not care what happens in this life. I have no goals, dreams or motivation. My only wish is to die. I have always felt like this and wrote my first suicide note when I was 6/7 years old.
I don’t remember what happiness feels like. I am not sure I have properly experienced it. Constantly, I feel empty, numb, emotionless. A sociopath you might say. Though, I do feel hate, anger and sadness.
My family wants me alive and try to keep me that way. They don’t want me to suffer. They don’t understand that forcing me to stay in this world is the thing making me suffer .
I have attempted suicide countless times, self-harm weekly and barely eat, all in hopes of leaving this world and destroying this hateful body.
Suicide may seem selfish but it is the only thing that I have ever wanted and my whole life has been living for others. Not willingly but being forced to. Because I didn’t want to prove the fact that I’m a failure, a disappointment and an expense.
But eventually, you get tired of giving. You can’t pour from an empty cup. You need to refill your glass before you can pour into other people’s.
But there is nothing to refill my glass. Nothing that I enjoy, or find a piece of hope in. There is nothing anchoring me in this world, making me want to stay.
And to be honest…I would rather have it that way. I want no part in this horrible, pitiful, ugly world with monsters wearing human skins and friendly faces.
One day (Hopefully very soon), I will be successful in taking my life and can leave this living hell.
My mind is like a maze.
Trying to think positive, but always go to the negatives.
I need to escape this pain, this hurt, these thoughts.
”Kill yourself.”
“Cut yourself”
I’m in class, then boom…
It hits me, all of a sudden I want to die.
At night my thoughts races, for seconds, minutes, and hours.
They don’t stop until midnight.
Six hours until you have to wake up, yet you still can’t fall asleep.
You wake up to your alarm, wondering how you even fell asleep with your mind so active at night.
You then have to go to school just to do it all over again.
When will my mind stop?
Have you ever thought about doing something so unforgettable?
Something that you cannot fix after pulling the trigger.
This isn’t the kind of thing you can say “I’m sorry” afterwards because if you do it there won’t be nobody to say these words.
Well, what is it? You will have to figure it out since I can’t say those words out loud.
Sometimes I feel that my life is like a graveyard of buried hopes since that’s where all my dreams like to go.
It is getting harder to breath
Harder to sleep
Harder to think
Harder to live
It´s hard for me to explain how I feel but I guess that you would’ve realised by now that it’s no fun.
I feel I’m in conflict with everything
this is something I’ve been feeling a lot lately
I constantly feel out of place
and the things I create are the first to feel the consequences of that
I’m sorry
I wanted to make this happy
To give it a happy ending
but happiness its an unknown thing for me
I don’t know what else to say
I guess I don’t like to write anymore
I don’t like to draw
I don’t like to do any of the things I used to
but this has been happening for a while now
I feel like I am at war with myself
and I’m afraid to tell you that I’m not gonna win.
I am afraid of people finding out the way I feel right now
They would treat me like my dad
When my family found out I could see it in their eyes
All the judgment there was
I wrote a letter yesterday to my grandma telling her to not blame herself for my decision. No one was to blame for what I have done. I lost my papa in 2017 and I have not coped well since then. I died with him and I have finally understood what that meant. My boyfriend has tried to help me but I don’t share my feelings. So my decision comes from only me. I am alone and have always been alone. No matter how many people I surround myself with, I have always felt alone.
It makes things like this easier because I don’t have anyone to say anything to me that might change my mind. And honestly I questioned everyday why I was even here? Why was I born to hurt? Why my parents left me at 3? Why Michael let me be abused by his gf and her sons? Why didn’t Deanna want me? Why birth me if you didn’t want me? Why did I have to have pain? Why did Michael have to run in and out of my life, continuously failing me as a father? Why is my grandma getting remarried? It’s only been a year since my papa passed. I wish you all could hear how she talks about her new life now. She’s happy but she’s quick to tell me , papa is gone and she’s about to get a new family. Am I not her family anymore? Everything is changing and it hurts. It all hurts. I can’t tell anyone how I feel because they’ll make me feel guilty. I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems because I know someone has it worse then me and I feel guilty for even sharing this.
I don’t need anymore reason to finish everything. I made my peace with it and I can’t even say sorry about it. Who is honestly going to miss me? It’s been proven time and time again that thing are always fault and it’s easy to cast me aside.
I don’t share my feelings for a reason because nobody cares. At least when I wrote my feelings down I get it out but it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing does.
I think things would be better off without me. My parents wouldn’t have to feel guilty about me. There wouldn’t be a reason to since I’m no longer here. I feel that would make them feel better. As for my grandma she’s looking forward to her future and I don’t think it would bother her much for me not to be apart of it. It already sounds like I’m not so there’s really no reason for me to stay right? I don’t think so either.
I am abused. I’m in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend.
Every day, I get abused by him. Not just physically, mentally too. It’s gotten worse recently… He used to call me fat, he used to call me ugly. But now it has gotten so bad that. He will scream at me, begging me to kill myself. He tells me constantly that I’m disgusting, that nobody wants me (not even him), that I’m worthless, a disappointment, I’m an unwanted, shitty person and that I’m a complete waste of space. On top of all this, my boyfriend started physically abusing me about a year ago. He used to just give me a few scratches that would gradually heal, but that soon became deep, painful cuts and scratches on almost every part of my body. Sometimes when he gets mad or frustrated with me, he will punch or slap me, usually to my face. Most frightening out of everything, he has tried to kill me on multiple occasions now. He forced pain killers down my throat for about a week, every night more and more, until he gave up on that. He then tried but slitting my wrists a few nights and my throat once. A few nights ago, my boyfriend tried to kill me again, he found some serious prescribed drugs and they were close to working. He was going to try shoving the rest of the packet down my throat the next night but I threw them away. Although he hasn’t succeeded, I’m afraid he will one day as he reminds me almost everything night that he wishes to, screaming “I want you to die!”. I just know he wants me dead more than anything now…
This story is true but has been changed in one way. There is no boyfriend. So where you see “he” or “my boyfriend”, replace it with “I”. Now the story is true…
I am abused. I’m in an abusive relationship with MYSELF.
Depression and anxiety puts people in situations where they are in what can be described as an abusive relationship with themselves. Abuse is never okay, no matter who it’s by.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
AI in the future ; Life is boring ; Life sucks
Title: AI in the future / A.I in the future / Artificial Intelligence in the future ; VR in the future / V.R in the future / Virtual Reality in the future ; Transhumanism in the future ; technology in the future ; Life is boring ; Life sucks ; escape from reality
The more detailed post:
AI is the future
A.I is the future
Artificial Intelligence is the future
because Life is boring / reality is boring / real life is boring / real world is boring
VR is the future
V.R is the future
Virtual Reality is the future
because Life is boring / reality is boring / real-life is boring / real-world is boring
AR is the future
A.R is the future
Augmented Reality is the future
because Life is boring / reality is boring / reallife is boring / realworld is boring
Transhumanism is the future
Transhumanist is the future
Life is boring
reality is boring
reallife is boring
realworld is boring
Future technology
Technology in the future ?
Technology is the future ?
Depression creeps upon you quietly.
At the very beginning you struggle with the little things, but usually, choose to ignore them.
It’s like a headache.
You’ll tell yourself it’s temporary and it’ll pass.
It’s just another bad day.
But it’s not.
You are stuck in this state of mind.
You get used to putting on a social mask and you continue to live among other people because that’s what you have to do.
That’s what others do.
However, the problem does not go away.
You struggle to put on a play every day and it starts to cost you more and more.
That is why you fall even deeper and that’s when you slowly start to back away from friends and family, sometimes completely shutting them out.
All satisfaction is gone.
The little things that used to bring you joy are now worthless.
Even the simplest tasks become painful.
And that is why you lack motivation.
Now… Why would you keep on trying if nothing makes you happy anyway?
All of this makes you feel even worse and you get caught up in a vicious circle.
Suddenly you find yourself living in slow motion.
Days become indistinguishable…
Just white noise, just… heaviness, filling your mind and spilling over your body.
You feel as though you’ll never be happy again.
You continue to back away and destroy relationships.
You’re ashamed for everything you’ve done and everything you haven’t.
There is a part of you that wants to make things right.
A sudden positive upsurge makes you want to go out and meet people but… it’s all very short-lived because you know it won’t work anyway.
Things that make your friends excited leave you indifferent and you become aware of the huge gap that lies between you.
Another failure is not an option, so in the end, you choose to be alone in your comfort zone where no one asks any questions.
The low self esteem and the lack of purpose become unbearable.
You finally realize you can’t go on that way and two things can happen:
You either decide to get some help or you…. might attempt a suicide.
i’m 18 and i have a three year old, i still live with my parents for support but i can’t do it anymore. mentally. they’re constantly bringing me down. everyday they walk into the house i feel myself tense up. get frustrated. i can never say anything because they’re my support system. if i had a way out to make money some how i’d get out of here in a heart beat. i’ve even thought about killing myself it’s gotten that bad. but i can’t stand the thought of leaving my son in this hellhole with them. i have it so good here but what’s that good do when all i want to is die. i love my son with all my heart but i don’t think i’m good for him. i don’t know what to fucking do. i. just. want. to. die.
sorry for the rant i’m sobbing.
I’ve been looking for ways to numb myself. I get absolutely nowhere. It’s not fair, I just wanna be numb. I don’t wanna make an effort to even feel better anymore. I just wanna stop feeling emotion.
I hate being brokenhearted over my ex. I hate being stressed about going off to college. I hate that painful lump in my throat I get from crying. I hate the cold sweat I break into when I’m anxious. I hate the fire that burns in my heart. I want to be dormant and freeze my heart up for good.
I want to die, but I fear the afterlife. My best bet is to stop feeling anything altogether.
Today is the day I’m going to stop feeling. After submitting this entry, I am going to wipe my eyes, stiffen my lips, and turn off the sad music. My emotions are going to die today, not me.
i’m such a disappointment. my first semester in college i did shit. i was put on academic probation and i have yet to tell anyone, not even my parents. i’m going to fail out of college because i’m so fucking dumb. i either don’t get anything or i’m just stupid and too depressed to get up and do my shit. i have no fucking job cause i’m dumb. i have no one, no friends to talk to. i’ve been relying on apps to meet people and even then i somehow disappoint them. ill probably end up lonely since i’m too fucking scared to kill myself and disappoint everyone again.
i’m so desperate to find love. attention. hope. maybe i’m just looking for a reason to live. i feel so dead inside, but if you saw me in person you’d think i’m happy. iv been doing this for 8 years, i put on a good act. although i’ve wished someone would catch on. i wish someone would notice. there’s so many things wrong. i just want it to end.
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