My mind is doing that thing where I remember everyone that I used to have in my life, everyone that left. I’m wondering, not for the first time, if every single relationship and friendship fell apart because of me. If multiple people decide that I’m not worth staying for then something I do or a part of who I am must be the reason. I’ve tried to change parts of myself a few times, act like some sort of chameleon that fits in perfectly to what someone wants. It used to work for a short while, allow me to make a temporary home in a […]
Tag:
Depression
at 3:52pm on august 15, 2024, i attempted to commit suicide to flee from the foul words that escape the mouths of vile people, to flee from the troubles i must push through every day, to flee my imperfect body and personality affected by my severe depression so i can transform into another being. i, however, failed thanks to leaving my computer on. the pleading messages of my best friend were left on read, plainly on the screen of my computer. his words stunned me. he desperately wanted to know if i was okay. he cared to know if i was okay. tears fell from […]
A few days ago, I posted about the awful experience I had with this therapist. That night, I talked to a dear friend who is in the psychology field. She pointed out that this therapist likely has a very conventional view of relationships, and can’t conceive of anything different. Which is sad; they’re supposed to be aware of cultural differences with their clients and have enough Theory of Mind to work with clients who are very different from themselves. (Ironically, it’s we autistics who are said to lack Theory of Mind, when in my experience, it’s usually neurotypicals who lack it.)
My friend also pointed out […]
there was a point where i stopped feeling so depressed. it felt like coming up for a breath after a long dive in the ocean. or like a foggy window, where the middle was finally wiped so i could properly see out of it. my head felt clearer. i didn’t feel so muddled in the dark. i felt nothing. or more so, i didn’t feel that depression anymore.
i could be happy, angry, or sad without feeling that depression. it was extremely weird; it was such a strange feeling. i had spent literally every day for at least 3 years feeling depressed. every, single, day. then […]
I’m scared and hurt. I’m tired, too.
More than that, I’m a coward. And I’m weak. I don’t have the right to feel scared, tired, and hurt. I am the cause of my own problems— all of this is in my head. I KNOW it’s in my head.
And on a rational level, I know, I KNOW that at least a part of this isn’t my fault. I’m not well. There is something WRONG with me, wrong with my BRAIN— but how much is actual physical illness in my mind, and how much is me using that as an excuse to be lazy? To not […]
I am a 22-year-old male. I grew up in an abusive house and was never shown what love really was. I did everything I could to stay away from home but was always pulled back by the threats. My dad said he would hurt my mom, my mom said she would hurt herself. Everything was put on me. I had to hold my entire family together while I was already falling apart. When I was eight years old I went walking down the street to my friend’s house (just a few houses down, not like my parents cared anyway) and the cop that lived across […]
lately every time i take a step forward, something throws me back 3 steps. [background; long story short, my father killed himself when i was 5, i blamed myself, mother got into an abusive relationship and got on drugs. when i was 11 i moved with my aunt, (somehow got even worse) ive had drugs pushed on me the whole time here, lots of drinking and fighting, lying to police, etc.,, i was treated like a slave and belittled by my cousins for 4 years. so so much more that i cant even begin to explain.] The first time i tried to kill myself was […]
this was a draft i wrote when i first joined and didnt post. I think it’s still true now. Everyone is feeling much more distant though. It’s my own fault.
I love you, some days
Some days I wake up so full of love but just as dysfunctional.
I want to tell everyone I let persuade might actually like me that I love them and to thank them for being there for me all these years through my computer screen. I love them so much. Thank you for being here. I don’t deserve it but thank you.
On these days I feel like I could almost do anything […]
Since I was 10, my birthday wish has remained the same. All I wish for is for mother to die. Overtime, I noticed that it is quite hard for her to die. She is darn healthy all the time, even COVID did nothing to her.
She loves to draw her own conclusion without being informed. She said she knew I didn’t want to pursue my studies. For real, what does she know. Does she know how many nights I spent crying and feeling that I am useless, failing at every attempt I do? Does she know that my social anxiety is so severe that I hyperventilate […]
All the different words that have been used to describe me, that all probably ultimately meant the same thing.
Only child, gifted kid, monster, autist, selfish *****, the third antichrist, failure to launch, abuser, victim, bad person, depressed, schizophrenic, vulnerable, girl, boy, “it”, manchild, loser, missed opportunity for abortion, narcissist, disappointment, try-hard, pretentious, stuck-up, too-good-for-this, holier-than-thou, hateful, ungrateful, creepy, rude, rageaholic, rapist, rape meat, DIPSHIT.
I tried to be a good person to make the pain stop. Everyone around me saw this goodness and assumed I was good due to being “fully self-actualized”, they assumed I had my shit together because, […]
Recently, I am thinking of suicide so much, I think I am finally ready for it.
by jaggedtruths
written by jaggedtruths
For the past year and few months, I have been feeling so low, mostly tied to work. I think I just really hate my career now and I want to quit but I don’t know how to do it without involving money. I am also currently in debt for hundreds of thousands of pesos because a combination of poor money managing skills and due to the pandemic. And maybe other stuff that just piled up so much.
Currently, I am in a job I fucking hate because of a difficult client. It feels I can never do good, I can’t seem to solve this current task […]
I had a great 5 yrs till I moved back home (5 hours away) to help take care of a family member that is declining in health. My family never gets along with me I’m unsure why I felt like I needed to be the bigger person, why I felt that this will be different.
Fast foward…
Im now homeless because I ended my life to help others, I have no money cuz I was living off my savings however I manage to have a “friend” who is lending their sofa/couch till the end of the month. Idk how imma eat, how imma get my […]
It was a fine morning, I woke up with a good mood and me and my mother were joking together like any other. After I ate my breakfast, I wanted to stretch my body but my mother misunderstood and thought I won’t wash the dishes. I said, “I want to stretch my arms.” Then my aunt comments, “That’s her excuse.” My mother immediately replied, “Don’t involve yourself.” And then I couldn’t control my tears for the first time after finally getting control of my depression and anxiety. I rushed to the sink and washed the dishes, crying. My mother approached me and she said, “Thank […]
I just really need someone to hug, at the very least. There is nobody there though, I’m all alone, isn’t that funny?
Isn’t it funny when you’re alone yet surrounded by people? Isn’t it funny when everyone’s looking at you yet they can’t see you? Isn’t it funny when you’re drowning in a croud?
When everyone can save you but nobody does?
Nodoby knows?
Nobody even notices?
Please, notice. Someone, please. See me. Please… I don’t want to die just yet. Anyone? But they don’t hear me.
Is it me or is it them?
Do I exist? Do I matter in this world or am I just another object in your […]
This is just my quick summary rant of my wanting to die, yes I know what I’ve written is long and messy but believe me I have left out a lot of details, this really is a summary and I just need to let it out, any comments even if mean are appreciated, I can’t let anyone know what I’m planning so being able to be open like this makes me feel just a tiny bit better
Was diagnosed with depression in middle school, my mother is agoraphobia so since middle school I’ve had to shop for her, take care of her and the house, I […]
I didn’t leave him, my husband that is uts been so long since my last post and I’m still here. Same stupid crap same relationship. When I told him I was leaving he promised things would change and they did. He started treating me right and being more loving and supportive towards me. All the lies I held came to light and he swept them under the rug. I rely thought I was going to be happy, I really thought things would have changed but maybe I can’t change, maybe I’m not allowed to be happy. I really just want to die now more then […]
I’m tired. Really I’m to exhausted to feel anything most days or I am intensely angry at everything. Sometimes I’ll get random bursts of giddiness and just laugh for no reason, with abnormally high self esteem and feel like god, but eventually something little sets me off and I spiral down.
I was never really scared to die and I still don’t value my life that much. Suicide has always felt like something positive to me. Back in November I nearly killed myself. I remember very clearly- the day of I was tired and tearful because some online friend of mine was going to commit suicide, […]
Ever let the anxiety sink ,the rage boil up
Ferment the pain, and bottle it up
Reflecting on the past like it ain’t slow enough
Mom’s always sad that I ain’t growing up
Pills help me cope but I’m still fucking up
Fuck going outside, the moon aint show enough
I laugh about death like I ain’t dark enough?
Friends ran away? I guess they stalked enough?
Fam patient with my death like who’s taking what?
keep a sharp angle, latitudes of my cuts
Force you to be strong like you ain’t had enough
have the nerve to ask what’s wrong…
God ain’t fucking […]
A few months ago, I’ve had the unique experience of experiencing time dilation first-hand.
I had tried smoking pot a couple times last year, to alleviate the anxiety I feel. It seemed like a good idea because I know other people who use it for just that – and they seemed happy with the results. The first time I successfully got high was pretty good too, so I continued.
That was, until late November of last year, I experienced hell. I experienced the ironic testament that spit in the face of all the cautionary tales I had told myself about immortality, and how it would be a […]
Newer Posts