The thing is, my whole family’s depressed, and has always been depressed, for as long as I can remember. It’s just that I can force myself to function more or less to the standards of the outside world, where they don’t. I can drag myself to work, I can take a shower if it’s a weekday (and I have to go to work). I can slap on a smile and strike up a conversation. Sure, I can’t do anything else–can’t buy food for myself, eat, cut my hair, clean, read, pursue a hobby, buy a phone, or do anything other than shut down and become near-catatonic when I shut the door to my apartment in the evening. It’s not just the misery, but how the misery puts a fog over my brain so I can’t properly think about anything in the way I know I’m supposed to be able to. It’s how I’m more and more frequently gripped by a heart-stopping panic that makes me want to run for my life, stop sleeping, die. And yet, even through all of this, my family and coworkers think I’m just fine and well adjusted–of course they do, because all society at large really cares for is how smooth a cog you can be in the fucking capitalism machine. I can do my job. Only my job. That’s all that matters, huh? I can’t possibly be doing at all bad like my older brother still flunking through his classes in college, or my unemployed/barely employed parents. I have a paycheck!
to say i’m stressed would be an understatement.
these days have been so hectic, i feel like i can’t keep up with everything, but everyone is constantly telling me to keep up, to cheer up, to calm down, to just stop feeling stressed. mental health has been a mess lately, and today is just not working for me. sometimes i wish i caught a cold so i could rest in bed, but then i remember that even if i’m too ill to get out of bed, i’ll still have to do everything.
the problem isn’t having stuff to do, the problem is having to do things for everyone, and having to leave my things at the bottom of my list of things to do. there’s so much on my mind that i want to talk about, but everyone would most likely think i’m being annoying so i’ll keep it to myself.
i cried today while trying to turn on a fan and i haven’t eaten anything since 8am this morning, but nobody here gives a damn about that. i feel so tired, even though i sleep. it feels so crowded in my head, even though it’s just me. i don’t know what to do or how to cope, or anything honestly. who knows if i make it to December, i honestly feel like i’m going to explode soon.
i’ve felt pretty dizzy all day, and i think it’s because of stress, but i’m not sure.
anyways, i’ll shut up now.
I will consume you. I will completely take over your life. You’ll think you’re in control but really I will be. I’ll change the way you think about everything, the way you live. I will slowly destroy everything you once knew and loved. I will ruin your life until you don’t want it anymore. I’ve always been a winner, even when other people say you can beat me. You can’t. I will end you. Or you will end your life because you can’t live with me anymore. I’m too powerful for you to handle.
I am depression.
Living really takes it out of me. Just breathing, surviving another day. It requires so much effort.
Being alive is honestly the last thing that I want. I absolutely hate myself. I hate this world too. I can’t look at myself in the mirror, and I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t have any talents and I am not attending school at the moment because I don’t have the energy (to deal with people’s shit and I don’t see the point in doing work because I am unable to take that work further due to my lack of skill and talent). I practise the things that used to ease my mind in the past, hoping for the same result but to no avail. I practise so much, and I never get any better. I often wonder what it must be like to be good at something, to fully enjoy something and to want to cling to life. There isn’t really much I can or want to do in this world.
It is quite an ugly place and certainly not a place I want to be in. I have never had a single true friend. My life has been made up of disappointments, betrayals and back-stabbers. Guess that’s where I get my extreme trust issues from.
I’m used to people using me as a stepping stone and then discarding me, it barely bothers me because I have learnt not to get attached, but at times, I do feel alone.
Everytime something hurts me, I am unable to recover. They just dig deeper and deeper into me, gourging out my insides and leaving me as a shell. I am unable to rebuild myself. Perhaps I’m weak, perhaps I’m just tired. It doesn’t matter though, nothing ever does to me.
I do not care what happens in this life. I have no goals, dreams or motivation. My only wish is to die. I have always felt like this and wrote my first suicide note when I was 6/7 years old.
I don’t remember what happiness feels like. I am not sure I have properly experienced it. Constantly, I feel empty, numb, emotionless. A sociopath you might say. Though, I do feel hate, anger and sadness.
My family wants me alive and try to keep me that way. They don’t want me to suffer. They don’t understand that forcing me to stay in this world is the thing making me suffer .
I have attempted suicide countless times, self-harm weekly and barely eat, all in hopes of leaving this world and destroying this hateful body.
Suicide may seem selfish but it is the only thing that I have ever wanted and my whole life has been living for others. Not willingly but being forced to. Because I didn’t want to prove the fact that I’m a failure, a disappointment and an expense.
But eventually, you get tired of giving. You can’t pour from an empty cup. You need to refill your glass before you can pour into other people’s.
But there is nothing to refill my glass. Nothing that I enjoy, or find a piece of hope in. There is nothing anchoring me in this world, making me want to stay.
And to be honest…I would rather have it that way. I want no part in this horrible, pitiful, ugly world with monsters wearing human skins and friendly faces.
One day (Hopefully very soon), I will be successful in taking my life and can leave this living hell.
13 October 2019
To those who are here; to those who are gone,
As my life finally leaves me it is my hope that you know one thing beyond any doubt. Our search for peace does not end nor does it begin… it is everlasting, without hope of it ever coming to a conclusion. Darkness has a tendency to follow what casts a shadow and we are no exception. To think, the more light one tries to shine on something the darker everything seems to be… why?
All of my life I wanted to change into something better; something special, but… the most important thing to me was left untenable… and truly unchangeable.
For the people that were in my life I bid you farewell. I do apologize for what my death has caused you to feel, but… I believe this was the right choice to make, in the end. My heart goes out to the one I fell in love with. I am sorry things between us did not work out… it was my fault, till the very end. Goodbye, Isabella… I will not forget what you have done for me.
“Mayst thou thy peace discov’r.”
Alyce Jeanette Kidder
My mind is like a maze.
Trying to think positive, but always go to the negatives.
I need to escape this pain, this hurt, these thoughts.
I’m in class, then boom…
It hits me, all of a sudden I want to die.
At night my thoughts races, for seconds, minutes, and hours.
They don’t stop until midnight.
Six hours until you have to wake up, yet you still can’t fall asleep.
You wake up to your alarm, wondering how you even fell asleep with your mind so active at night.
You then have to go to school just to do it all over again.
When will my mind stop?
My despicable me hate any kind of effort specially that related to money and i laught at those who get up every morning to do some repetitive boring task and waiting for month to pass to get a few coins or bills however i would gladly accept free and easy money like passive income or lottery if it works for me
My despicable me love no one even my family and i feel nothing when one of my family is suffering or died and sometimes i enjoyed other’s suffering hence i have no friend whatsoever even if someone try to get close to me i reject him instantly and i dont believe in love or any good relationship like friendship but i believe in lust benefits and business and i think that each human live for himself while trying to use the others to the maximum for himself only however i do feel bad sometimes about violance and suffering of others and i would like to help
My despicable me unstable and want to do something tragic shocking or against all rules and protocoles just for the hell of it and i think that human lives is worthless and most of them will burn in hell
My despicable me think that psychiatrists are loser and they lie at people for money while they themselves suffer and i think that we pretend that we are strong smart and rich while we all slave to money we all make mistakes and we all get deseas and die evantually
My despicable me feel like an avenger feel that the world is the enemy feel that human are evil by nature and deserve pain & suffering however my despicable me needs some love some care and to be sufficent but i dont care at all if anything change or nothing at all
Have you ever thought about doing something so unforgettable?
Something that you cannot fix after pulling the trigger.
This isn’t the kind of thing you can say “I’m sorry” afterwards because if you do it there won’t be nobody to say these words.
Well, what is it? You will have to figure it out since I can’t say those words out loud.
Sometimes I feel that my life is like a graveyard of buried hopes since that’s where all my dreams like to go.
It is getting harder to breath
Harder to sleep
Harder to think
Harder to live
It´s hard for me to explain how I feel but I guess that you would’ve realised by now that it’s no fun.
I feel I’m in conflict with everything
this is something I’ve been feeling a lot lately
I constantly feel out of place
and the things I create are the first to feel the consequences of that
I wanted to make this happy
To give it a happy ending
but happiness its an unknown thing for me
I don’t know what else to say
I guess I don’t like to write anymore
I don’t like to draw
I don’t like to do any of the things I used to
but this has been happening for a while now
I feel like I am at war with myself
and I’m afraid to tell you that I’m not gonna win.
I am afraid of people finding out the way I feel right now
They would treat me like my dad
When my family found out I could see it in their eyes
All the judgment there was
I had a private account because I’ve always cared too much about what people thought about me.
I thought it was a fantastic idea when I created it as I could share my true feelings to the people I called my friends; I wouldn’t have to put a brave front for them, I could vent without restraining myself. I felt safe, for once, from my parents abusive behavior.
I didn’t see it coming.
All of my fears, thoughts, struggles, complied in screenshots and scattered away in one of my “friends” account.
What hurt me the most wasn’t the harsh blow to my trust issues; it was the passive attitude of my “other friends”.
I am old enough to know that no one is going to solve my problems and rescue me from my suicide thoughts; but a text message would have been nice.
Something to let me know that they care, that I am not alone, that they wouldn’t do the same shit this “friend” did, that even if they can’t be always there for me, that they would try their best to make me feel better.
Isn’t that a normal reaction? Am I expecting too much white from this grey world?
Shit, they didn’t even bat an eyelash when I told them my sister was being admitted into the hospital and I wanted to reschedule our meeting as I wouldn’t be able to see them the rest of the summer.
I should have realized sooner that very few people in this world care, that the only person who is going to pick you up when you hit the asphalt face front is yourself, that people enjoy seeing you suffer, even your “own friends”.
I even believed them when they say they would miss me if I was gone.
I should try another shot at happiness, the one I’ve been looking for 20 years.
I should try to keep my alive, even if it feels scary knowing that I have no one to grab my arm when I cross the street.
I should try to forget it all, but can I?
Can I stop caring?
Why does it pain me so much? Why can’t I understand that I am unimportant and live for myself?
Was I looking for happiness where it wasn’t supposed to be?
Will I be able to get through all of my mental health problems all alone?
I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live this way forever either.
I wrote a letter yesterday to my grandma telling her to not blame herself for my decision. No one was to blame for what I have done. I lost my papa in 2017 and I have not coped well since then. I died with him and I have finally understood what that meant. My boyfriend has tried to help me but I don’t share my feelings. So my decision comes from only me. I am alone and have always been alone. No matter how many people I surround myself with, I have always felt alone.
It makes things like this easier because I don’t have anyone to say anything to me that might change my mind. And honestly I questioned everyday why I was even here? Why was I born to hurt? Why my parents left me at 3? Why Michael let me be abused by his gf and her sons? Why didn’t Deanna want me? Why birth me if you didn’t want me? Why did I have to have pain? Why did Michael have to run in and out of my life, continuously failing me as a father? Why is my grandma getting remarried? It’s only been a year since my papa passed. I wish you all could hear how she talks about her new life now. She’s happy but she’s quick to tell me , papa is gone and she’s about to get a new family. Am I not her family anymore? Everything is changing and it hurts. It all hurts. I can’t tell anyone how I feel because they’ll make me feel guilty. I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems because I know someone has it worse then me and I feel guilty for even sharing this.
I don’t need anymore reason to finish everything. I made my peace with it and I can’t even say sorry about it. Who is honestly going to miss me? It’s been proven time and time again that thing are always fault and it’s easy to cast me aside.
I don’t share my feelings for a reason because nobody cares. At least when I wrote my feelings down I get it out but it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing does.
I think things would be better off without me. My parents wouldn’t have to feel guilty about me. There wouldn’t be a reason to since I’m no longer here. I feel that would make them feel better. As for my grandma she’s looking forward to her future and I don’t think it would bother her much for me not to be apart of it. It already sounds like I’m not so there’s really no reason for me to stay right? I don’t think so either.
I am abused. I’m in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend.
Every day, I get abused by him. Not just physically, mentally too. It’s gotten worse recently… He used to call me fat, he used to call me ugly. But now it has gotten so bad that. He will scream at me, begging me to kill myself. He tells me constantly that I’m disgusting, that nobody wants me (not even him), that I’m worthless, a disappointment, I’m an unwanted, shitty person and that I’m a complete waste of space. On top of all this, my boyfriend started physically abusing me about a year ago. He used to just give me a few scratches that would gradually heal, but that soon became deep, painful cuts and scratches on almost every part of my body. Sometimes when he gets mad or frustrated with me, he will punch or slap me, usually to my face. Most frightening out of everything, he has tried to kill me on multiple occasions now. He forced pain killers down my throat for about a week, every night more and more, until he gave up on that. He then tried but slitting my wrists a few nights and my throat once. A few nights ago, my boyfriend tried to kill me again, he found some serious prescribed drugs and they were close to working. He was going to try shoving the rest of the packet down my throat the next night but I threw them away. Although he hasn’t succeeded, I’m afraid he will one day as he reminds me almost everything night that he wishes to, screaming “I want you to die!”. I just know he wants me dead more than anything now…
This story is true but has been changed in one way. There is no boyfriend. So where you see “he” or “my boyfriend”, replace it with “I”. Now the story is true…
I am abused. I’m in an abusive relationship with MYSELF.
Depression and anxiety puts people in situations where they are in what can be described as an abusive relationship with themselves. Abuse is never okay, no matter who it’s by.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Title: AI in the future / A.I in the future / Artificial Intelligence in the future ; VR in the future / V.R in the future / Virtual Reality in the future ; Transhumanism in the future ; technology in the future ; Life is boring ; Life sucks ; escape from reality
The more detailed post:
AI is the future
A.I is the future
Artificial Intelligence is the future
because Life is boring / reality is boring / real life is boring / real world is boring
VR is the future
V.R is the future
Virtual Reality is the future
because Life is boring / reality is boring / real-life is boring / real-world is boring
AR is the future
A.R is the future
Augmented Reality is the future
because Life is boring / reality is boring / reallife is boring / realworld is boring
Transhumanism is the future
Transhumanist is the future
Life is boring
reality is boring
reallife is boring
realworld is boring
Technology in the future ?
Technology is the future ?
Depression creeps upon you quietly.
At the very beginning you struggle with the little things, but usually, choose to ignore them.
It’s like a headache.
You’ll tell yourself it’s temporary and it’ll pass.
It’s just another bad day.
But it’s not.
You are stuck in this state of mind.
You get used to putting on a social mask and you continue to live among other people because that’s what you have to do.
That’s what others do.
However, the problem does not go away.
You struggle to put on a play every day and it starts to cost you more and more.
That is why you fall even deeper and that’s when you slowly start to back away from friends and family, sometimes completely shutting them out.
All satisfaction is gone.
The little things that used to bring you joy are now worthless.
Even the simplest tasks become painful.
And that is why you lack motivation.
Now… Why would you keep on trying if nothing makes you happy anyway?
All of this makes you feel even worse and you get caught up in a vicious circle.
Suddenly you find yourself living in slow motion.
Days become indistinguishable…
Just white noise, just… heaviness, filling your mind and spilling over your body.
You feel as though you’ll never be happy again.
You continue to back away and destroy relationships.
You’re ashamed for everything you’ve done and everything you haven’t.
There is a part of you that wants to make things right.
A sudden positive upsurge makes you want to go out and meet people but… it’s all very short-lived because you know it won’t work anyway.
Things that make your friends excited leave you indifferent and you become aware of the huge gap that lies between you.
Another failure is not an option, so in the end, you choose to be alone in your comfort zone where no one asks any questions.
The low self esteem and the lack of purpose become unbearable.
You finally realize you can’t go on that way and two things can happen:
You either decide to get some help or you…. might attempt a suicide.
i’m 18 and i have a three year old, i still live with my parents for support but i can’t do it anymore. mentally. they’re constantly bringing me down. everyday they walk into the house i feel myself tense up. get frustrated. i can never say anything because they’re my support system. if i had a way out to make money some how i’d get out of here in a heart beat. i’ve even thought about killing myself it’s gotten that bad. but i can’t stand the thought of leaving my son in this hellhole with them. i have it so good here but what’s that good do when all i want to is die. i love my son with all my heart but i don’t think i’m good for him. i don’t know what to fucking do. i. just. want. to. die.
sorry for the rant i’m sobbing.
I’ve been looking for ways to numb myself. I get absolutely nowhere. It’s not fair, I just wanna be numb. I don’t wanna make an effort to even feel better anymore. I just wanna stop feeling emotion.
I hate being brokenhearted over my ex. I hate being stressed about going off to college. I hate that painful lump in my throat I get from crying. I hate the cold sweat I break into when I’m anxious. I hate the fire that burns in my heart. I want to be dormant and freeze my heart up for good.
I want to die, but I fear the afterlife. My best bet is to stop feeling anything altogether.
Today is the day I’m going to stop feeling. After submitting this entry, I am going to wipe my eyes, stiffen my lips, and turn off the sad music. My emotions are going to die today, not me.
i’m such a disappointment. my first semester in college i did shit. i was put on academic probation and i have yet to tell anyone, not even my parents. i’m going to fail out of college because i’m so fucking dumb. i either don’t get anything or i’m just stupid and too depressed to get up and do my shit. i have no fucking job cause i’m dumb. i have no one, no friends to talk to. i’ve been relying on apps to meet people and even then i somehow disappoint them. ill probably end up lonely since i’m too fucking scared to kill myself and disappoint everyone again.
i’m so desperate to find love. attention. hope. maybe i’m just looking for a reason to live. i feel so dead inside, but if you saw me in person you’d think i’m happy. iv been doing this for 8 years, i put on a good act. although i’ve wished someone would catch on. i wish someone would notice. there’s so many things wrong. i just want it to end.
I came across this website tonight as I was drowning in my tears looking for a way out of this hell hole. not sure what im doing here, but this feels right. I need somewhere to write my thoughts and I need someone to listen. so here it is, my name is hannah (as you can see by my username which I didn’t know I couldn’t change.) I am not okay. I am depressed. and today I realized this when I was asked if I was okay and I cried before I could even say “im fine” as I would usually say. I have no one to talk to, no friends, no family. constant thoughts of suicide, even if I wouldn’t act on them they seem to be affecting my everyday life. ive lost all motivation for school, nothing interests me. I have flash thoughts of ways I can die as I get in the car to drive. even at my happiest times theres that thought in the back of my mind that this wont last, and im right. anyways I don’t want to make this super long, but this is me.
I have been thinking about dying for some time. The thought of which use to make me panic. Now, when I think of death and disappearing, it is harder for me to be afraid. I want to be able to think about my future and be happy and excited. I know that (from my two previous therapists (four years at first one and one year at second)) I can control my thoughts, but lately it has been me thinking about dying. Consciously or subconsciously, I am not sure. I am sure however, that I don’t want to grow up. I had always felt that I would not make it past eighteen. That feeling had been instilling fear deep in my heart for a while, but now I feel as though that is just what was planned for me.
My father is one of the of the types of parents who feels the intense need to write off my depression and mental health as a hormones or a lack of effort. It hurts knowing my father does not believe that I can be sad. I use to cut, I am only about 3 months clean. I had been doing it since I was in 6th grade and it got worse because my father refused to believe I was doing it for any reason other than attention. The past few days I have had thoughts of cutting so severe that I almost threw myself in front of a car on the way to the bus stop in the morning.
I really just want all of the pain to go away. I shouldn’t think like this but I really just want it all to end. I didn’t ask to be born, I didn’t ask to be depressed. I was a happy kid and looking back on the years of joy hurts more than it should. I have been feeling as though I may not make it another year, that for me this is all there is. I don’t want to live in a world where I am sad and everyone around me is affected by it. I don’t want to live period. Although, some days when I really consider suicide, I think of all the people my death would ruin. Some days it works and other days nothing can stop my overwhelming urge to disintegrate into the earth’s crust.
Some days I have such intense bouts of depression, that as I walk around the halls of my school my body feels like it is just moving by itself. That I am not actually making any progress. It feels like I am 1000 pounds and the more I walk the more I wish I wasn’t. I can’t tell anybody this though, any of this. My father just lost his dog of 15 years two weeks ago, my mother is having a battle of her own and I cannot bring my problems to overshadow hers, my bestfriend and the only person I want to talk to is growing up and getting a job and making plans for her future, and none of my other family is close enough to me. I don’t have a god to pray to because I don’t believe that someone would put people on a planet to watch them suffer and grant them misery every day without mercy. I have nobody and I am nothing.
I may only give myself a few more years or months but I feel as though, maybe for everyone, my dying would be better off. Today is one of the days where I think of my parents and how much they need me here, but tomorrow may not be the same. I have been thinking about how I would do it and I think that to save my parents and friends from finding my body, I would run away and die somewhere far away. Maybe say I was leaving the country and just do it far away from them so they don’t have to find me. I hate that I think like this but there isn’t much fight left in me. I am tired all the time, I don’t find pleasure doing things a majority of the time. I hope I stop hurting soon.
I must apologize in advance, because I’m going to put a lot of videos and articles in this post and it will probably occupy a lot of space on the starting page of this site (needless to say, feel free to write your opinions about euthanasia in the comment section).
And a PDF about euthanasia in Belgium: