Why..just save me, and take this all away..

  November 25th, 2011 by I want you to understand..

I’m 12, My dad cheated on my mum, and hasn’t talked to me for 11 months or so now,

i’ve been getting really suicidal, and have started cutting.. Only people closest to me know, and think it’s time for me to seek help, the thing is. I dont know how to tell my mum, it will only make her feel worst, Than what she is.

Somedays, I wake up, Wanting to end it, and not be here, like i’m doing everyone a favour and vanishing..I feel like someone’s came and cut me open, and let me wide open, I don’t know how someone so young, can hold so much pain.  I’ve always thought that, It was always, My brother this, my brother that, and nothing was ever about me, Like my dad didn’t want me.. Like If i cut myself so deep, I would go to hospital, then he’ll see what he’s done to me, and finally want me.. but he won’t, I was the only person who believed in him, when no one else did, but i guess that mean’t nothing, he doesnt believe in me, never has and never will.I feel invisible,I get bullied at school. Everyone says I have no friends, and that i’m ugly, I’m struggling, so hard.. I just want to be saved, and told every thing will be okay..But that never happens, my brother hates me, and i never see my brothers, one passed away, and everyone says, he deserved to get shot, or they bring him up, knowing hell get me down.I get really..anxious about who to trust.. My Mum..she puts this on her self, she comes into me to see me crying, she thinks she’s a bad mum, it’s not her fault.. it’s really not..Sometimes, I just don’t eat, I’m never in the mood.. I’m still alive? but i’m barely breathing..
I think of suicide every night, and i’ve tried it before..  I break down, everytime someone mentions a “happy family”i think i’m useless, and make everyones life crap.  I blame myself on every single thing that happens.
I always wonder, why, why don’t you love me Dad? why did you always choose them over me.. it’s something i will never know, but will always ask myself..
I just want someone to save me, and take this pain all away..

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