 I was eleven years old when it first occurred to me I could escape my problems by killing myself. The thought gave me immense comfort and a feeling of utter calm.  It still does and I am now in my late thirties. I know eventually I will do it and I have made all the necessary arrangements to avoid inconveniencing anyone. My parents would be devastated by my death, so I will not do it while they are still here. That would be much  too selfish. I have no wish to cause anyone any pain.
 I have no children and my husband and I barely speak. The only thing he will miss if I leave is my salary :) My siblings live far away and we do not keep in touch. I have few friends because I don’t care enough to make the effort. I am not social, have never been.
 Yes,  I have been treated for years for Major Depression, but it never goes away. It’s like a shadow that follows me everywhere I go at every waking minute. The older I get the more exhausting it is to have this shadow  following  me.  I go through the motions of living  but I feel no joy. The high point of my day is sleeping and many times that is impossible too.
 Anyway, why am I writing this? I have no idea. Just to pass the time I guess. I look forward to the day when I have peace.
1 comment
I believe that you can turn it around. The fact that you are still here gives me hope. I know you can shine bright enough to make your shadow go away. You have been given life for whatever reason, make the most of it. These words are said over and over again to broken people like us, but it takes the the shine we keep inside to let us realize it.
You can be happy. You deserve to be happy. Pursue your dreams. Fall in love again.
Please find a reason to live. I look forward to the day that you realize it. I will pray for you.