Will get there eventually

  November 25th, 2011 by BidingMyTime

 I was eleven years old when it first occurred to me I could escape my problems by killing myself. The thought gave me immense comfort and a feeling of utter calm.  It still does and I am now in  my late thirties.  I know eventually I will do it and I have made all the necessary arrangements to avoid inconveniencing anyone. My parents would be devastated by my death, so I will not do it while they are still here. That would be much  too selfish.  I have no wish to cause anyone any pain.

 I have no children and my husband and I barely speak. The only thing he will miss if I leave is my salary  :)  My siblings live far away and we do not keep in touch.  I have few friends because I don’t care enough to make the effort. I am not social, have never been.

  Yes,  I have been treated for years for Major Depression, but it never goes away. It’s like a shadow that follows me everywhere I go at every waking minute.  The older I get the more exhausting it is to have this shadow  following  me.  I go through the motions of living  but I feel no joy.  The high point of my day is sleeping and many times that is impossible too.

 Anyway, why am I writing this? I have no idea. Just to pass the time I guess. I look forward to the day when I have peace.



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