So today I felt a feeling that I haven’t felt in a long time: hope. Most people would say that’s a good thing. That hope will guard you against feelings of despair.
Unfortunately, in my experience, hope is a dangerous thing. Hope allows you to delude yourself into thinking that life has meaning, purpose, and value. Hope promises that things will get better.
In my experience, feelings of hope keep me alive long enough to believe that life is worth living.
Then the hope fades.
A few weeks or months pass. I feel better. Then WHAM, out of the blue, the feelings of hopelessness that lead to suicidal despair come back stronger than ever before.
And I think to myself, “Why didn’t I end it the last time I felt this way? Why do I continue to fight against death? Why do I believe “hope” and brainwash myself in to thinking that this time will be the last time that I feel this way?”
Hope is a dangerous thing.
At least it is in my world.
3 comments
I know the feeling. It’s happened to me a few times before
So true
I agree, I’m living in one of those blissful periods right now, but I was suicidal a week ago. I’m still searching for a way but all this peace and calm around me deceives me into thinking I still have hope, only for it to come crushing me down again. I’m tired, hope is just pure pain knowing it will disappear. And that’s why I want to end it all, people may tell me I’m selfish that I throw away my life, heck I could have said some years ago but you don’t truly know what it means when you are in this kind of situation.