Hope

December 3rd, 2011by InternalHelper

So today I felt a feeling that I haven’t felt in a long time: hope. Most people would say that’s a good thing. That hope will guard you against feelings of despair.

Unfortunately, in my experience, hope is a dangerous thing. Hope allows you to delude yourself into thinking that life has meaning, purpose, and value. Hope promises that things will get better.

In my experience, feelings of hope keep me alive long enough to believe that life is worth living.

Then the hope fades.

A few weeks or months pass. I feel better. Then WHAM, out of the blue, the feelings of hopelessness that lead to suicidal despair come back stronger than ever before.

And I think to myself, “Why didn’t I end it the last time I felt this way? Why do I continue to fight against death? Why do I believe “hope” and brainwash myself in to thinking that this time will be the last time that I feel this way?”

Hope is a dangerous thing.

At least it is in my world.

 

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