December 22, 2011
I’ve been fascinated by this site for a while so I thought I would give it a try.
Strangely though when I tried registering, this appeared:
ERROR: Invalid IP address.
ERROR: Speedy Gonzales was here.
ERROR: Registration stopped by Sabre.
What’s with Speedy Gonzales? and Sabre?
Anyway, I suppose I’m supposed to say a little bit about myself.
I’ve been depressed for the past 4 or 5 years with repeated feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. I’ve deduced that these feelings stemmed from my mom urging me to get high grades back then when I was younger and continuously comparing me to my much smarter peers. Now however, she doesn’t bug me as much and now it’s my feelings that won’t stop bothering me.
I recall sometime ago I promised to myself that I would be great and that I would be masterful at everything I did, or I would kill myself for being a failure. Well, I’m failing at being masterful and school is a mess. So now I’m conflicted, because I have to keep my promise to myself, I have to commit suicide which I haven’t been able to do because of survival instincts which is probably engraved in the brains of all human beings. But if I choose to live, I will have to learn to live with emptiness and the pain of being pathetic.
I say school is a mess because right now we have a ginormous amount of homework despite it supposedly being Christmas break. Merry Christmas? more of Messy Christmas. I have three essays due when I return, a business paper, a mini-thesis paper, and a TOK (Theory of Knowledge, IB or International Baccalaureate students would know what it is) essay. To add to that, we also have 4 experiment papers due for our chemistry class. The only homework I think I currently enjoy would be my math homework because I enjoy math. We have to learn Matrices, Vectors, and stuff about the Argand Plane and complex numbers. However everything put together is overwhelming for me and I’m losing my mind. I cried for an hour today.
To make things worse, the more depressed I get, the less productive I become. The less productive I become, the more stressed I become and the more depressed I become. This vicious cycle is destroying me.
The effects of my depression other than reduced productivity would be prolonged sleep, difficulty waking up, tendency to contemplate suicide (different ways, be it jumping of a high place, cutting myself open etc.). Strangely enough, my dreams remain nightmare free and I even get some really uplifting ones sometimes (not that they make me nostalgic or anything but I normally feel slightly happy when I get to remember my dreams.
There was only one time I actually hurt myself and this was back then when I was a freshman. I used to cut but I eventually stopped after my mother saw my cut (I convinced her it was from an accident when doing a school project involving cutting paper). That cut left a scar however which I think will never fade and will haunt my left arm.
I guess I should explain why I like math. Since when I was young, I spent my summers studying math in order to participate in international mathematics competitions. However math has also brought me lots of pain. I haven’t actually won anything substantial and I constantly look back at all the times I’ve failed and all I feel is pain and the tears starting rolling down my face again. Why am I so stupid compared to my friends.
These days I’ve been extremely demotivated and I’ve been turning to videogames to help me forget everything. However this led me to messing up some of my college applications and ruining my chances of making it abroad which means my dreams are crushed. I hate myself.
Something I really hate about my mom is how she is so hard to deal with about certain topics. For example, I’m 16 years old and highly insecure about my body which is why I want to start lifting weights. However my dear mother won’t let me because she wants me to grow taller despite me being 6 feet tall already (which is relatively tall where I come from but probably average in the US). She is devoutly Catholic and oblivious to the fact that I give no concern to religion. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against religion, I just don’t like the way it limits possibilities and gives such a defined characteristic of God. Not to mention that organized religion created so much abuse already. I really REALLY dislike the church for putting homosexuals at the same level as rapists and murderers or calling them people with disorders. I want to talk to her about how I hate going to mass and praying but I don’t think she’ll understand me and that she’d likely give me some sermon on the power of the rosary if I attempt to do so.
You know, people say I should be happy cause I have friends and family. But they don’t understand the despair I feel and the utter loneliness I feel. I mean, if I were to go out, I can’t exactly name a group of friends I would go with since I’m normally the drifter without a solid group of friends, I dunno. I just really hate myself, I feel insecure about everything.
I feel insecure about my intelligence and body. I’m stressed about school since I have homework over the break. I feel lonely. I hate myself and I don’t have an identity. I only hurt myself once. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to die. I CRY OFTEN… I’m deeply depressed. Why can’t I overcome survival instincts :((?
7 comments
I just registered today, too. Right now, in fact. I too have been observing this site for a while; months, I believe. It’s hard to see so many people going through so much pain.
You remind me of myself, although my depression stems from other sources. I understand what it’s like to have your parents expect a lot from you, though. In relation to religion, too; my parents are Christians who go to church and forced me to go, too, for my whole life, up until recently. I somehow managed to convince them that I was confident in my personal religious studies and would rather study personally than attend church. I guess it worked, probably since I didn’t actually admit that I disliked church, haha. I wish you the best in figuring out the problem of your mom wanting you to go to mass. Reasoning with my parents worked, and perhaps it could work with your mother, too. Sounds like she may be a difficult case, though.
I completely understand your connection between depression and productivity (or lack thereof). On days that I mope around or turn to movies in order to feel better and forget pain, I later realize that I did absolutely nothing that day and feel horrible because of it. Like I’m a waste. But the problem is, depression makes you not feel like being productive. Sometimes it’s just too hard to do that damn homework or write that essay. And then when you don’t do the work, you have nothing to turn in, and get stressed… At least that’s what happens to me.
Anyways, yes, you remind me of myself, except for the fact that you enjoy math. I absolutely suck at math; the math sections of the SAT and ACT tests are what ruined my whole score, haha! I envy your affinity for math.
I don’t have a group of friends, either, and I know how it feels to have a caring family but still feel utterly alone. Even to the point of wanting to die.
You seem to have so much potential; I hope you don’t choose a route that would hurt you. Best of luck.
My parents were devoted Catholics also. I am much older than you, but I can remember how ridiculous they would adhere to these religious principles. We all have our own ideas about the universe, but I just went along with it until I could leave at 17. I think exercise would be great for you. Gives you endorphins. Six feet tall is TALL. The survival instinct is innate in most people. Sometimes it works to just tell yourself that tomorrow will be better, lower your expectations of yourself, keep in mind that a lot of people feel as you do. I was great looking in high school (a female), and had good friends, but no one really knew me. I got three jobs just to save enough money to leave my home because it was so dysfunctional. I am now married and estranged from my family of origin and glad to be free of them. Things change fast when you’re in high school. Remember that a lot of people don’t speak about it, but feel as you do. Your mother doesn’t get it and so you have to take yourself to wherever you want to and exercise. It helps a lot. I still cry a lot, I sometimes idealize suicide, but since my sister-in-law just died in that manner, I would never act on that. In the wake of suicide everyone around you suffers terribly. They love you even if it doesn’t seem that way. I used a whole box of kleenex crying about her; her boyfriend of 17 years is awol. I’m just saying….good luck.
I am envious of anyone with math skills, I am 51 yrs and had an evalutaion form the State for revocational traing and found out I’m at a 2nd math level. Math has always been a source of great shame for me all thru my life. I hated going to school because of the bullying, and name calling because of my lack od being able to do math.
I had tutors that just threw their hands in the air, they didn’t know what to do with me. I graduated from High School yet can’t do math. How that Happened I don’t know. I can use a calculator for very simple things, yet thats it.
I have a mental block where numbers are concerned.
As far as you speaking all or nothing, being the best or sucicide, all I can say is the world we live in almost demands that we have a rounded education.
The world of more than 100 years ago didn’t, all a man had to do was find a craft, plumbing, blacksmith, tanner, farmer, logger, shipyard, anything which involved hands on. The pressure is enormous on populations of this world to succeed, and be the best in what ever you do. Thats not a bad idea, though everyone isn’t cut out to be an astrophysisit, or brain surgeon. Many are cut out to be at their happiest maybe working on a farm, or manufacturing etc.
Your young and will have to find your way in the world, …….. making a huge salary is always a cool thing, yet if a job makes a person depressed, taking less money for a job that gives satifaction may be the way to go.
Good luck, and hang tuff.
As a mom of sons 17 & 19, it makes me so sad to read these words. I feel so bad for you being forced into taking these hard classes and into being so stressed out. It’s so awful. Your mom needs to know how you feel. She needs to know that you are contemplating taking your own life and that you are not happy. If you cannot talk to her, talk to a school counselor. They will make sure she knows that you are desperate. Just coming from a mother’s point of view, know that she would be devastated if you killed yourself, especially if she did not know how you were feeling. At least give her the opportunity to respond to your feelings about your life. If you haven’t given her a chance or even let her in on what’s going on, it’s not fair to make a decision to leave this earth forever. She might agree to let you slow down a bit, maybe back off some of the harder classes next semester. I did with my oldest and he graduated just fine. I can’t imagine a mother alive who would rather have a dead child who excelled at everything than a live one who was good at a few things. Give her a chance. Maybe if she can accept you the way you are, you will have an easier time accepting yourself. Prayers and Hugs. HBMom
Average height for a lady in Canada is 5’4. You’re quite tall, trust me. If I were that tall I probably would have become a model about a year back. Oh well.
My father sounds a lot like your mother. Minus the religion. For as long as I can remember the only option has been university. College isn’t even allowed to be thought about. It’s just a constant argument whenever it’s voiced.
And even though my parents aren’t religious, I still get all that shit too. My ex was Mormon. Don’t ask why, but for some reason I almost gave it a try. Yeah. Sure..
I get the pressure. It sucks. All we can do is hold on, and hope the ride will be over soon..
Dear Evanescence,
For the first time in a very, very long time, I feel like someone finally understands what I’ve gone through. The lack of motivation, loss of spirit, and depersonalization you mentioned are all things I used to feel on a daily basis. The world, in the form of parents, teachers, or peers, puts so much pressure on us to be perfect, both physically and mentally. We are constantly bombarded with feelings of inadequacy or incompetence by those around us. And its just not fair. I know how stressful life can be. I have a very broken relationship with my parents which has put me in the vicious cycle you have mentioned. As college deadlines approach, my level of motivation falls drastically and the stress increases. IB just makes it worse, which only adds to my unhappiness. But my unhappiness doesn’t define me as a person. I know that I am going through some challenging times. But it will get better. I hope you stick to your goals and dreams, because everything will be OK in the long run, it’s just a matter of time until it is. You, evanescence, are perfect. You deserve to be loved, regardless of your grades or academic achievements. And one day you will find someone who loves you for who you are (especially your flaws). I know it’s tough now, but it will get better. Know that financial and material wealth or talent in everything won’t make you happy. Success is different for each and every person and one day you will find what it means for you. Live for yourself and those that love you for who you truly are and everything will turn out fine.
Love,
Rose
Hey there evanescence, I think it’s great that you’re into math. I never was. The only time I got an A in any high school math class was because I had a really fabulous teacher. I was so down on myself before that, I thought I was just stupid. Granted math is still not my strong suit but, having a good teacher really helps. Maybe you should look at your “failure” another way. Like, even if you think you aren’t smarter than your friends, at least you’re smarter than someone like me who isn’t very good. haha
You say you made a promise to yourself to be masterful at everything you did and now you feel like you’ve failed. Perhaps you shouldn’t set the bar so high? Today’s society is constantly pushing for success, and it’s unreasonable to think that you’d be perfect at every little thing you do. Try setting smaller goals so that you won’t be so let down if you don’t do as well as you hoped for.
“To make things worse, the more depressed I get, the less productive I become. The less productive I become, the more stressed I become and the more depressed I become. This vicious cycle is destroying me.”
Wow, I can totally relate to that feeling. I hated having homework over the holidays. I’m a procrastinator as well, so that made things more difficult. Don’t overwhelm yourself. Start sloooooow. Take a breather. Relax, if you can. Clear your mind a little. Then get to work. But don’t bog yourself down so much that you get upset. Do a little here and a little there and take breaks so you don’t get so stressed.
I’m tall too; 5’9″ over here. Brings back memories of people constantly pointing it out in school. As if I wasn’t already aware.
I can sorta relate to the religious relatives thing. I’m an atheist. However, I’m accepting of other people’s beliefs. My mom is also religious. She’s a Christian. She has her doubts though. She never made me go to church. I’ve been to church, and it wasn’t my thing. But I can’t count how many times religion has been crammed down my throat. And not just by relatives. By total strangers. It’s just something that, although completely annoying, you have to deal with. Sucks, I know. Some people just are not tolerant of any one else’s views.
I cry a lot too. Just an emotional person. I’m also insecure and depressed. I’ve had thoughts of suicide. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. :]