I am only 13 years old. I have suicidal thoughts regularly. I am going to see a doctor soon about it. I just want to die though. Nothing is leading me to kill myself. It is the nothing that is. I just keep thinking, there is really no point for me to be alive tomorrow. It isn’t like my presence will be the biggest deal to the world. I think if I wasn’t afraid to kill myself I would be long gone by now. The thing that bugs me the most is how my parents have reacted to this, they started treating me differently. I don’t like being treated differently, it makes me uncomfortable. I am not much of a sharer either. I’ve thought about ways just to end it all, I almost have too, but I’m not sure if I can do it yet. I have a great future ahead of me. The confusing part is I really don’t know why I feel there is no reason for tomorrow.
Everyone at school says I am bipolar jokingly and seriously. It is because my emotions change quickly. It isn’t that I can’t control it, it is that I am usually a happy person, but those thoughts of suicide always linger and get to me sometimes, and I randomly just get sad because of those thoughts. The worst in when people make jokes about depression or suicide, I usually just sit there quietly and uncomfortable. I usually hide behind what people see me as, the smart, confident girl who isn’t afraid of anything who is always laughing and smiling. I actually would rather be left alone. When ever I doubt myself I recite this to myself
Be who You are
Be proud of what You are
Be Yourself
And you will truly stand out in the crowd
Some may hate
But most will love
Just keep your head up straight
Just know what You are proud of
You are You
And You are great
Don’t You argue
Don’t You debate
Be the best You can be
You’ll feel great about Yourself
Don’t be scared to be crazy
Just remember people admire who You really are
2 comments
Wow. That’s exactly how I feel, those are good pieces of advice on that last part 🙂
I started becoming depressed and easily emotionally hurt shortly after becoming 11, when I first got my period. That’s when my PMDD and all the horrible anxiety surrounding it really began. I’ve gone from being labeled bipolar to depressed to hyper anxious you name it. I just have a hard time coping with stress in general and that transition was especially difficult for me, and it gets worse every year (of course, the added stressors of life) I’m 17 and sometimes I feel like I have 50 years worth of stress. At this young, with really no trigger to be suicidal except for the depression, your problem could be hormonal, and whether it is or not you should still discuss it with your doctor, especially if you feel that way at least a couple days to two weeks before your period.
And with that said, if it’s not the case, just know that it’s okay to be more emotional than your peers and sensitive. It’s who you are. At 13 you’re still going through a lot of mental changes. It’s okay to feel like shit sometimes, it’s okay to feel depressed even. But suicide is very extreme. I know it seems hard now, and I won’t take away that it is, because at your age this is the hard that you know. I wish someone would’ve told me that too. But things get tougher once you really start living life. And it doesn’t mean that you’ll get more depressed, but right now is the perfect time for you to start dealing with your depression and make sure it doesn’t exacerbate into something horrible. You just need to develop the right coping mechanisms to thicken your skin and maybe even go out more or do things you wanna do (it helps, believe me) be it an activity, a concert, as long as you know you’re safe. And don’t be afraid to be yourself, never change for anyone else because it’ll only make you an unhappy and confused person, which is just an added stressor that you shouldn’t deal with.
Don’t bottle things in, it only makes things worse, and really, you should talk to someone. It’s okay to feel bad, and as you get older, you begin to question more. sometimes thinking about life so much can even make someone depressed, especially if you happen to be more emotional and more bright than your peers. it’s just a reaction, and you’re bound to have more the more you begin to grow up and articulate. But don’t take it negatively. and just know that EVERYONE has the right to feel okay, everyone should feel good, it’s a birth-given right. And you wanna know why you should live? Because of purpose. Everyone’s got a purpose, and you obviously have one. Why give up on life, when who knows what even lies ahead of you? You haven’t even lived yet so to speak! And yes, people do admire who you really are (:
Btw you shouldn’t be afraid to “go crazy”. People don’t just “go crazy” and you’re certainly NOT crazy. You’re just smart and growing up.