Let’s try to explain this, once again.

Bare with me here, I have no idea how to explain this. I have tried to explain it to close friends and family and they all think they know how to help and start giving me all this attention then I feel more like crap. I honestly think this has more to do with depresstion. I think I’m legitimately insane. This isn’t me talking out of my a** either. I one second am happy as can be then the next I’m in tears then the next, oh god, I’m at the virge of killing my self. I have these horrible horrible thoughts about how I’m going to do it when and where. Sometimes, when I’m walking home, I think about walking infront of a car that way my parents don’t feel terrible bout my death, then other times I want to OD on pain killers. But that’s TOO painfully and won’t kill me instantly. There’s a few times where I want to suffocate my self, and cut myself, and this thoughts scare me. I think about all the people that would be hurt that I die and how they would feel and what they are thinking, AND I WANT TO BE HERE TO SEE THAT! This is where a part of me being insane comes in, if I do kill myself I want to see and hear what people say about me, and if I’m dead I won’t be able to do that. That’s a reason why I haven’t done it just yet. The other reason is my Mom. Everyone else in my family would be sad and everything but they’ll nove on and I’m not worried about that, but my Mom, I’m scared that it will affect her more than everyone else, and it will stick with her. That it will ruin her. She is the BIGGEST reason why I haven’t done any thing yet, she is why I’m still here, yet I treat her like crap? I don’t get it? Oh and now when I do have thoughts of killing my self she is becoming less and less of a reason why I shouldn’t? Kinda Kahn is that? That’s not right. Now it’s getting closer to me doing it. I don’t even know why I want to so bad, I have an AMAZING life, get everything I want and all this stuff. But I still feel empty. I also think a little to ths is stress. I feel like I can’t handle stress, everytime I’m stressed out it I want to do it even more. Then after a while I just want to sleep. I don’t want to do anything any more. I can’t really explain it, I tried it a few times but I can’t. My mom was taking me to get some help but she thinks I’m better so now she won’t? And I’m lost….