In my mind it’s been a reoccurring theme over the years but has started to become a daily constant. Death, the end, what a wonderful solution. No more conflict, misery and chaotic me or them. Probably just a case of depression and being ‘sick and tired’ but I’m starting to feel real inflexible with the world. Someone famous once said “hey, you’ve got to hide your love away”…. yes I agree. There was a potential to achieve positivity, well being for all, peace and happiness but the opportunities have been badly managed, inadvertently wasted and lost, time after time after time. So, time to rebuild and start again? Nah… selfish ole me has an overriding desire to drift off into a deep sleep of no return, seems reasonable if not preferable in comparison to dying by unintended tragedy like a car crash, heart attack, murderous attack.
Suicide, seems like a fair exchange, I get to where I’m going on my terms and we are spared further episodes of my devastating destructive screaming meltdowns.
Of course I could locate in a new country, a fresh start but I’ve done that quite a few times already and eventually the relationships get blasted and torn asunder, it gets nasty, it’s not right, I want an end to it, I don’t want to be me any longer.
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Wow reading that sounded like a replay of my life! Thanks for bringing us both down pal! lol! To be brief, my mom died in 2001, my dad in 2005 and my brother hung himself last year. Then there was my too oldest friends, my cats, they died in 2006 and 2009. I also had back surgery in February which didn’t go so well but I’m better now that I kicked my pain killer addiction. Oh yeah and I just filed for a divorce from my third wife yesterday.
You could be me my friend. Everyday I try to keep my mind busy and I purposely do not let myself sit and think of these things for more than 30 seconds. If I do it could be the end of me (or I wouldn’t be on this site). I know that booze or drugs will mask things for a little while but they’ll just make me more emotional in the end and that won’t be a fun place to be. So those are out. And I could ‘check out’ except that I always know that tomorrow something good might accidentally happen, just as easily as it could be something bad. I figure I have a 50-50 shot at getting a smile tomorrow so I keep pushing forward threw all the nightmares.
I don’t know if that will work for you but it still seems like a better use of my thoughts and energy than letting all the hurt crush me. I’m stubborn and sometimes that’s a good thing.
Good luck my friend! 🙂
I’m with you my friend whisper, thanks for posting, I’ll be back later.
Gotta maintain the good which remains.
All I can say is make sure before you decide.
Death ends all choices.
No more restarts and trying again.
So if you are not sure, repeat your pattern and see if something else works.
And since you seem to have the wherewithal to relocate to a whole new nation I’d say your end may not be quite necessary at this point. It may be the next location that awaits you to be your respite from troubles.
If you are sure then I wish you peace and comfort.