 Its long though so I don’t think anyone will read it, but I think it would make me feel better to get this of my chest. Because it’s so long I’ll just stick this one until high school.
I have some memories from when I was like 3 or 4, but I can’t really remember most of my life before I was twelve. I guess I pushed it away somewhere in the back of my head.
I know I have been sexually abused from age 4 till bout 6 or 7 by a girl who was in my class. I cant really remember much though, I know her parents knew what she did (they probably abused her). And I guess I was too young or too ignorant to know it wasn’t really a game.
I have some memories of her brother also joining our ‘games’ but I don’t really know.. when my mom found out she called the police and stuff and I wasn’t allowed to go to her house anymore. I changed schools quickly after that.
The only other memories I have are from my dad who physically abused me, my brother and my mother.
I remember a few times he threatened to burn the house down and my mom would put a staircase outside in front of our windows so we could get out of the house if he did.
I can’t remember my mom not sleeping with a knife under her pillow. Sometimes the police would come over (most times the wouldn’t even bother to come), they never did anything. Even when my mom was totally beaten up and had to go the hospital. They just said he couldn’t hit us, that is wasn’t nice and then they would go. I know my mom was really scared most of the time that he would do something to hurt us even more if we tried to leave.
The only memories I have from elementary school are that I hated to go. I never wanted to go to school. I was bullied terribly. I don’t know why. I was a chubby kid (when I look at pictures from that time now it’s weird to see I wasn’t even that fat. I felt like a whale but I just had some baby fat.) I guess if you’re chubby or fat you’re less worthy of living. People make it feel like that. I know I’ve always hated myself for being so ‘fat’. I’ve been on diets for as long as I can remember. I could never lose any weight. My brother is really smart, he never had to put much effort to get good grades. I wasn’t that smart, I had trouble with almost every class except reading. I loved to read, write stories and draw. My mom always said I would be an artist but my dad said I couldn’t draw at all. Even though I’ve always hated him it hurt really bad when I didn’t get his approval. He always told me I was stupid and I believed him. Why else would I have trouble in school?
I’ve never had many friends. All the girls (we had 8 girls in my class+ me) were skinny and blonde. While I was a chubby brunette. I do remember that every night before I (tried to) go to sleep I would wish with all my heart that I could be skinny and blonde too otherwise I didn’t want to live anymore.
Well obviously my wish never came true.
I also remember I had a lot of trouble sleeping. My mom told me once that in total there had died 3 people in our house. I never let her know I was scared of a lot of things. I always kept my head up. I had to. My brother was scared a lot too and he always showed it. I didn’t. I thought it was weak. I was really afraid of the dark (still am) and my room was next to the stairs. I could never sleep because every night around 3am I would hear someone walk up and down the stairs a couple of times. Every night. I always had a wild imagination. I do believe in ghosts though. I don’t know what it was I just know I could never sleep.
When I was seven my little brother was born and I loved him to death. I thought of myself as his protector of all things evil (my father). For some reason though my father seemed to hate my little brother less than me and my older brother. Maybe it was because he was the youngest, or maybe because we looked everything like my mother and my little brother looked like my dad. He was skinny and blonde. At some point I started to resent my little brother for it. I didn’t understand why he was more special. He also at some point used my dad’s hate against me. For example when I was watching TV and he wanted to watch sesame street or something he would cry an pretend I did something so my dad would get furious with me. I don’t think he was aware of what he was doing though, he was only 3 or 4 but I hated him for it.
I was always the one who would take care of my brothers. When there was another fight I took them outside or to the attic and put on the TV or play a game. I was always the one who made sure everyone was alright and they didn’t hear that much of the fight. I was also the only one of my siblings who ever stood up against my dad (of course my mom did too). When I was a bit older, from the age of 10 or so I didn’t let my dad treat me like his little slave anymore. I couldn’t care less if I got beaten up horrifically. I was used to it so it didn’t even really hurt anymore. It always seemed like he hated me most. More than my older brother too.
When my brother went to high school (middle school and high school is combined in Holland). He became one of the “cool kids” and he would call me a whore and stuff in front of his friends. I hardly even knew what a whore was. We used to get in fights before he went to middle school too but he would only hit me then not call me names. I started to hate him even more because I was the one who always took care of him and told him everything was going to be alright when he was scared (AGAIN).
I think I started cutting in the 6th grade, but I can’t really remember. Before that I would just hit myself in the head. I don’t even remember being happy one day of my life when I was in elementary school.
I know I was so goddamn happy when I finally could go to high school. Little did I know it would be even worse..
6 comments
This isn’t my story to tell and its not te same as your story but my friend was sexually abused by her dad and so were her two sisters but they liked it and when she told the social and police her sisters didn’t want to know her they said to her your not our sister anymore . She’s now 16 she’s a foster child and gets bullied at school I’m close to this girl as we both are depressive but it’s very hard to comfort someone who has been sexually abused .
you have had a rough life. but you are so strong! and stubborn! you’ve hung in there…against all odds. when i read your story, you seem like a superhero!
HS SUCKS 2. BUT, after HS, it’s better. all the little shits that drove you crazy in school…? GONE. you can reinvent yourself, move, be what YOU WANT TO BE.
you hang in there!
@death101 sorry to hear about your friend. I’m sorry but I dont have tips to comfort her, oddly I dont really remember that much of it all..
@purplechicken high school did suck. I’m in college now. which also sucks.
@purplechicken I dont see myself as a superhero though, but thank you for your kind words!
Christina… you have been through more than anyone should ever have to. But you showed tremendous strength in standing up for yourself after all that.
And that shows at your core you are a warrior. And warriors fight and fight until they cannot fight anymore.
Education is important. But not being able to make good grades does not make you less intelligent. It just means that your understanding is different. You could be a world famous novelist or illustrator. Or both. You could create video games and comic books. Those are wonderful talents you have.
@death… my heart goes out to you both. sexual abuse leaves scars on people that really never heal. it is a violation of body and mind that goes beyond the actual act.
but anyone who has been through that should remember that abuse does not define you. you define you. do not let people who mistreat you take your heart away.
I wish I could stand there and defend you. Or put you somewhere with less pain.
But delve into your reading, writing, and drawing. Lose yourself in your passions and hopefully that will alleviate everything else.
Keep standing up for yourself as well. And maybe you will meet a friend who appreciates you for who you are.
@U.N. thank you for responding. it made me feel better! (purplechicken calling me a superhero did too haha). I would want to be anything you just mentioned but I dont think I’m creative enough though. Pretty sure I’m not. Also I haven’t been reading, writing or drawing for a couple of years now (beause of the weed, it makes me wanna do nothing) but I thinking of picking it up again.
I have some friends, who I guess appreciate me. Im just a difficult person I guess.
I feel as if this warrior cant fight anymore though, I have no strength left.