Those who desire life get snuffed out.

My father. As I entered elementary school.

My grandfather. As I entered junior high.

Many friends I grew up with did not reach adulthood. We put ourselves in the streets but still having friends die in your arms kills hope. Blood on your hands and hearing their last breath.

Friends who died after they tried to change their lives for the better. On the cusp of recovering from drug abuse or incarceration, they get taken away by violence.

Uncle lived long enough to see me graduate and then let go to the specter of AIDS riddling his body.

Couple of buddies who went to war.

This year my cousin who was the same age as me and my son who I did not find out about until he was four and had to fight in court regularly to even get to see him a few times a year. My cousin had to fight our family to provide a safe and secure life for his wife and kids. Maybe if I was there more I could have saved him.  Maybe if my ex wife had let my son spend his birthday with me he would not have died in that crash.

I’d give my life so anyone who wanted to live could do so. Organ donation.

No men who I could trust to relate to.  Only the street hustlers in my younger years and nobody in my older years.

My little Ken who awakened the stirrings of something I had never felt when I found out about him. Even though I knew that him being exposed to this jacked up world was detrimental.

My compassion and companionship beaten and injured because my brain makes me incapable of loving in an individual fashion

.Female friends who took their own lives because of rape and abuse and none of my skills or strength could save them.  Should have taken out some of their abusive boyfriends/husbands/fathers/relatives instead of just breaking bones and causing pain but was begged not to hurt them any more. And the end result was they hurt the girls more. Authorities no real help because the men have to do something serious before being put away.

One of my own attempts reacting with my susceptible genetics and sickening me.  But  being dead inside that was nothing.

And my own dark secret I can never share with anyone.  Neither online nor off can reveal that which haunts me every moment.  The one thing that my training/discipline/stoicism cannot defeat. And my being abused/betrayed/cheated on/punished for obeying the rules and performing well/ostracized and chastised for being me pale in comparison.

Self delusion and lies keeping me walking. And one dream I want to do before I exit here. Yet even that may pale to the lovely/relaxing/sweet/cooling/comforting/eternal/peaceful/alluring/enchanting/cathartic surcease that is death.

Why wait? Why not leave today? Why choose a certain method requiring more preparation when simpler ones are available?

Because the little pride and will I have will be satiated by my choosing my own way to end.