whatever

December 12th, 2011by red

So I’m 44 I have a good job, I live with someone I love , my family lives in the same town as i do, I talk to my mom on a regular basis , I have friends , so why do i always think of killing myself , I got to this website via another web site , the topic being…. you guessed it suicide , I don’t even know why i’m posting , I guess maybe throwing something down in words may help me figure out why i always consider suicide as an option , I remember my 1st try I was in a Denny’s of all places and i grabbed a steak knife from the waitress station and went into the bathroom and cut my wrists I remember i was walking to the bathroom the relief i felt to have finally found a solution actually made me feel happy , as odd as that sounds , but it just felt good to have a way out of the the pain , and i happily slit my wrists in the stall , I remember sitting there bleeding and thinking what if a child were to to come in and see the blood, so i got up and tried to leave , but I guess I had lost so much blood that i fell down and hit my head , and i remember a women kneeling down beside me screaming for help , and the next thing i knew I was in a hospital that was about 20 years ago , I have almost forgotten all the fall out from the post suicide try out , but I’ll never forget that feeling of peacefulness and calm i felt for that moment walking from my booth to the restroom , and the feeling of happiness I had when I actually cut into my wrists , i have never felt that calmness again in the last 20 or so years and I doubt i will ever feel it again as long as i live , pain is not optional in this life , suffering is not optional , were born into it , it isn’t a choice that I would make to feel pain and suffer on a regular basis , but the choice that I would make is to feel that peace again , that serenity if you will, maybe that’s why i always consider suicide as my first option is because it’s the only time in my life when i felt at peace with the world .
Red

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