I’ve been reading here, off and on, for a little while now. Most of you, as far as I can see, have had horrible lives. I can understand why you’d be in such pain and feel so bad about yourselves when you’ve been through so much. In many ways I envy you. My life is fine. I’ve not been abused or addicted to anything or any of the 101 horrible things that can and have happened to you. You have a reason to feel bad. I don’t. The only thing wrong with my life is me.
Some of you cut yourselves or have actually tried to commit suicide. Again, I’m envious. I wish I had the strength to do those things. I WANT to cut – to try and relieve some of the pain inside or just to end it. Sometimes the need is overwhelming. I’ve put knives to my skin, I’ve pressed and sliced and…nothing. Either I’m not pressing hard enough or I’ve got really thick skin (or both). Either way, nothing happens (except a transitory red mark that nobody notices). I actually do more damage to myself accidentally.
I wish there was a button I could press to just end my life. Just to make it stop. No pain. No horrible moments when you have a chance to feel scared about what you’re doing. I’m a pathetic piece of shit coward who can’t even get up the strength to kill myself. I’m nothing.
And it’s all my fault. I have no-one to blame but myself.
4 comments
I’m fine?…what was that post all about? Not sure whether or not to cry or what. If life hasn’t been nearly as challenging as many here, why do you want to leave so badly…something must have happened that is not at the forefront of your mind or you’re in denial. There’s nothing else that would be bursting to get out so as to get your attention so you can address it and allow some happiness into your world.
Feel free to share what’s going on deep down. It may help. Fault has nothing to do with it…if you’re alive in a human body, you have courage. If anything know that, and think well of yourself in the process. Cheers!
@imfine im pretty much same boat as u
I understand that. When I really think about my life, I’ve got it pretty good…so the question is what’s so wrong with me that I want it to end so badly?
As for cutting…I used to have that problem. I was also scared to use a real knife, so I’d use other things, scissors, pins and sewing needles, broken glass. But I didn’t used to make myself bleed, ever. Now it’s a little different but despite the fact that I cut OFTEN, I still don’t cut deep. But I wish I did, so it’s a little weird.
@softsoul. The post, like my life, is meaningless. Don’t worry about it. Just ignore me. I’m not worth spending any time or attention on.
@Procel. I’m sorry. If you find a way off the boat, let me know, ok?
@LilyMaria. Answers on a postcard to Blue Peter…
I’ve tried a variety of things too. One day I’ll find something that works…I hope.
Actually it’s not weird that you don’t cut deep. Less chance of scarring and letting people see what you’re up to (and thus stopping you). Hiding it is important, after all. Does that make sense?