Can’t sleep…
I vowed to myself not to eat past 7pm, and I’m eating way smaller portions than my stomach is used to. People say I’m not fat…at 135, I highly disagree. I’m disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror. I used to be 115…from highschool up until about 6 months ago, when I gained 20 pounds in what seemed like a matter of days.
But my hunger pains aren’t the only reason why I can’t sleep.
Last summer I was sexually harassed by my boss. It was so bad for me that I only worked 3 days at that job. I’ve told people about my experience – family, friends, boyfriend… – but nobody takes me seriously, since I wasn’t actually raped. And, at first I didn’t think it was so serious either. Then the flashbacks, and the nightmares started.
Its like I can feel where he touched me, like a phantom hand grazing my inner thigh, my neck, and my back…as if I were reliving every single nerve he touched.
I’ve told people about the nightmares too…all I get is, “I’m sorry” – or worse – “okay”
And I’m not sure what makes me cry more…that I feel as though I’m suffering alone…or that there are too many nights where I relive the horror.
I’m anxiously waiting for the spring semester to start…one because I’ll be to busy and stressed out to even think, and two because I think I’m ready to talk to my psychologist about it.
It’s too late to press charges…tho I wish I had when I was being advised by family and friends to do so…I didn’t realize how much it affected me. I lost myself…I changed for the worse after the incident…but I think, maybe, I’m ready to tackle this demon in my head…but its just one of the thousands of demons killing me from the inside out. Fuck, I need a smoke or something.
Just not food you fucking fattass.
Sorry, that’s my id, ego and superego arguing.
Stupid *****.
No smokes…its not worth losing the ones you love, yet again.
Just starve…you’ll thank yourself when the 30 fucking pounds is gone from your ugly face and stomach and your god awful thighs and cankles. Say it with me, that way you kill two birds with one stone. You stop thinking about those 3 days and you turn your mind from a fat **** to a thin, sexy you, you’re a fat *****…you don’t need so much food…
I’m a fat *****…I don’t need food, I’m not hungry.
I’m a fat *****. I don’t need food. I’m not hungry…
If you’re still reading this, sorry I’ve kept you on this page so long.
I’m done for now.
Maybe I post another blog tomorrow, or maybe I won’t. Who knows.
But, thanks for listening…thanks.
Bye, maybe for good, but probably not.
2 comments
No smokes? That’s rough…
I’ve picked up smoking..I’m underage but it’s nice having a smoke when I’m really stressed. And my older brother’s nice enough to share his smokes (:
You definitely aren’t fat, you remind me of someone I once knew who had your current weight, when she looked in the mirror she saw a fat girl. I wish people didn’t feel that way…you aren’t fat..I know that won’t change your mind, but I want you to know that. Lose some pounds, just don’t starve yourself…don’t put yourself through that…please don’t…ahah I love the part where your ego fights with you, my ego is the same.
Insomnia’s not a bad thing…I love it…it’s when my demons come out to play but it’s also when I’m freest..it’s when it’s just me and the cool night air..the stars, the sounds of the city..sorry xD Just..yeah hope I helped sorta?
So your friends and family don’t help you in the way you want (mainly because they don’t know how to) but you’ve got a psychologist to help you. Go to her explain. She might give you sleeping pills which could help. As for the fear there’s not much you can do but force yourself to endure it.
And your free to rant thats pretty much what this site is for.
Oh and 9 pounds is not fat but you wont believe me so why not go to your doctor/ GP and ask. Can i add that eating smaller portions doesn’t often help a lot of the time its what makes you fat so its pointless starving yourself.
Take Care