It seems like every time that I get my head above water, something happens to push me back under. I am tired. I am weak. I just want to lay down and sleep and not have to wake up. I’m so physically, spititually, and mentally exhausted that I don’t care about anything anymore. I can’t concentrate on anything. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to get dressed. I don’t want to move. I have no energy. I don’t even have the patience or energy to care for my son. And I can see that I am slipping away. I’m so fucking scared. I don’t want to die, but here in this moment, death seems like a blessed escape. My best friend says “Suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem.” I used to see the sense in that… Now, it just seems stupid. My problem is not temporary. It is ongoing. It is chronic. And it is crippling me. I need help, and I have sought it. But I was told to wait til next month when the doctor has an opening. I don’t know if I can wait anymore, but I don’t want to be institutionalized. I am self-harming. I cut a lot. It releases the mental anguish just enough to be bearable. I feel guilty, though. I can’t seem to make myself better. But, then, I don’t know what “better” looks like anymore. I’m scared to die, scared to live. I’m scared that all I will ever know is pain. Why the hell are so many people so blissfully unaware that I am falling apart. And really, the way it seems right now, I don’t think many people would notice if I did die.
1 comment
Hello Darkangel,
I am sorry that I haven’t been around for a while and I missed your post. I hope somehow you come back and find this. I hear your pain and I understand…but your friend isn’t right either….suicide is not an option at all…it is an illusion. That being said…there is an answer out there for you…I would like to help direct you to someone or something…but don’t know enough to understand. I assume you are around 27 years old and female…but I’ve been wrong before. I would say that this almost seems like it will last forever and has lasted forever…but that is not the truth. Please don’t give up…I hope you come back and talk…or you can always e-mail.
Namaste
Amakua