Back

It’s been a while since I last wrote here. I didn’t think I’d be back. Not that it’s shameful, I just thought that maybe I’d dig myself out of my hole.

Since last being here I have noticed that I am very selfish. I am so selfish that I can’t stand looking at myself surrounded by self pity.

Before Christmas my sister was diagnosed with Anorexia, soon enough she was in hospital and at risk of her heart failing. The whole time she was in hospital I was a complete *****. I wouldn’t go because it was boring. Selfish, right? I mean, like she had a choice of being in there. I would go home and cut myself, because when I was diagnosed with depression my parents did nothing to help me.

When she got out of hospital I would make rude comments to her all the time about how selfish it is how mum and dad have to give up their life for her. Ironic, me calling her selfish. I knew I was hurting her, so why couldn’t I stop? It kills me to admit it, and I know I was wrong, so there’s no need to tell me what a spoiled brat I was.

We have to do family counselling sessions, and the counselor continuously tells me this, “anorexia is a mental illness as well as physical, it causes more deaths than people with depression, even if they have suicidal tendencies” but what I’m hearing is “your sister has anorexia, it’s worse than what you have, so we’re going to help her and not you.” She was supposed to organise for me to see a counselor, but she never did.

I feel like I’m alone in this, I have never stopped being this way, I have never woken up one day and told myself that I want to live. My sister is sick, but why can’t they see that I am too? She’s not the only one who needs help. And I understand that she needs it too, but how much longer can I hold on?