I’m perfect. Perfectly flawed. People are not intimidated nor envious of me and they are both as well. They do not pity or look up to me and they do both as well. They do not feel superior or smaller than me and they feel both as well. I’m perfect. Perfectly flawed. It’s amazing too look at someone and see how doubtful they are in themselves and how well they hide it. We all hide it. We all show it. We are strong and we are weak we just choose who sees which side. Which side would you like to see in me tonight? Why are you reading this. Who goes on a website as depressing as this to read, …. and why? Are you alike having piss poor thoughts? Are you a sickkko getting off on other peoples pain? Are you an up and coming therapist here for practice? Jesus why are you reading this? Why am I typing this? Stop reading. For the record I have nothing to say nor will I kill myself….on purpose…. It is too influential on other lives and is the most selfish act one can commit. It is just mean. So I live my life. I am one of the lucky ones who have people I will not submit to more pain they have already subjected themselves to with life. I live the daily struggle. Happy, sad, funny. stupid, loving…, …irate. Destroying more hearts them mending. Creating more problems than solving. They would be better off without me until I’m gone and then I would become some idea of perfection in their past memory as the girl they blanket themselves in guilt for not being there for. That’s too much pressure. Ha I have to much pressure in death. It’s easier on everyone if I continue to live. Maybe I’ll get hit by a car today.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
8 comments
Hello Pennylane,
Sorry, never followed directions well. I kept reading…and WOW!
I am so stealing your words for my next psych appointment. You put into words the true paradox of being spirit living a human existence.
Also, sorry to disappoint you, I am not currently suicidal, I don’t enjoy others pain..quite the opposite…and am not ever going to be a therapist…those folks are nutz!…lol…you say you don’t know why you’re typing this….so can I take it it was for me….because I got a lot out of it. I would like to tell you exactly why I am here if you would like. Let me know
Blessed Be
Amakua
Yes I would. Please continue, and thanks 🙂
O you run this whole show haha Thanks for the kind words anyway buddy 🙂
Hey pennylane…do you mind if I call you Penny? hmmmm Also would like to know if you are new to the site as well.
I am 50 years old and the mother of 3. I have attempted suicide 7 times. The first time before the age of 4 and the last time at the age of 40. I was successful in that I had 7 NDE’s….but back I came regardless. I now know that suicide is not an option…it never was ….it never will be. Death is merely an illusion. I was out of my body for over 6 hours the last time…really didn’t want to come back…so I got the crash course which even now I am trying to fully assimilate. Here is the truth as I know it. Wherever you go….there you will be. My problems didn’t disappear with the detachment from the physical body…but the physical pain was gone….that was close enough to heaven for me….but it is not to be. Now I know if I do the work I can while in the physical….the more pleasant my experience will be when I return to spirit. That is all. But I too am human, and emotionally traumatized by my world experience…and some times it gets too much you know? And that is how my little tale begins.
Since September several things have happened in my life. I suffer from debilitating pain from several physical causes (I know they are really emotional…but another subject) and have been told once again that I must quit working. That is the only thing that has kept me going these last 11 years, and now they say I have to give that up too. This might help you to understand my state of mind. On Sept. 1, my partner of 9 years…left. I turned 50, I had to apply for social assisstance for the first time in my life. Since then I have lost a grandchild, had my son and grand daughter move in with me briefly….it did not end well….dealt with death threats etc.
Struggling to live and care for my youngest daughter who is a teen. And then December. No money to pay the bills, definitely no money for gifts or special foods for the holidays. I decide that I will sneak and work under the table to get what I need…just for the holidays….and then my left arm quit working. Done. Finished. Madder than hell. No money to pay for treatment or therapy. Done. Oh yeah, and then I had to put a dear friend in a nursing home to die while his wife was in hospital herself and take care of their special needs daughter as well. One day I got 7 phone calls in one night….lol…
The day I came here I had just learned that my ignorant MD is screwing with my pension application as well as over medicating and delays and errors in tests. Pissed off I was…..now normally when things got that bad…I would comfort myself with this thought…”If it gets too bad, I can always just end it.” Only now I don’t have that option….and it did provide a modicum of comfort…so I was simply raging and overwhelmed with the pain and starting to hurt myself….when a calmness suddenly came over me….and I googled “suicide”. And here I am in the Land of Oz.
Before coming here I had never e-mailed, don’t chat, don’t facebook, very little technology here….my daughter had to help with some things and others here helped as well. I have found something on this site that helped…I should say someones…and for now it works….cuz life didn’t get any easier since I got here. Just last week I was bedside for many days, lost 2 friends, one of them my hero. And he died long and hard. There were good things and not so good things I learned during that experience….but to know that I have a safe place to go when I want to hurt myself….the best holiday gift I could never have asked for. There are some wonderful, kind, caring souls on this site…all for their own reasons…I for one thank God that they were here for me. And so….when I am feeling okay, I like to help others in any little way that I can….to listen when I can’t…. and always to learn more for my own “survival toolbox”.
So what brought you here? Would you return the favour?….hmmmm
Live, Learn, Love and Laugh….Always Laugh
Amakua
Intense. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry life has been throwing you curve balls. Interesting stuff on the soul feeling all but the physical pain. 6 hours huh? remember any of it? Intriguing.
I am a stir crazy soul. Driven by anything and everything satisfied by nothing. My skin is the only thing holding me in, which is pretty warn and gross from my high school habits. My little reminders. I’m okay with them my lovers never seem to mind too much either. Whatever. I am new to this site first post just vented for a second then read some of the stories. You feel so helpless on some of them. Jesus how much do you just want to go find the little girl on the bridge and give her a hug. So young such crazy emotions pumping through you, then and, shit it’s not like it changes you just learn how to hide it better. Or you don’t. Drama, Dramatic, boring, disconnected, in the moment, theory, action. Fudge. Ha So dramatic. I’m happy you made it through, or are making it through I should say. I hope you don’t talk to much about this with your teenage daughter ( no judgement obviously) . I have a friend who’s dad talked about it all the time when he was young. Didn’t seem to be a very affirmative support system. My first love killed himself. Told me for years how he was gonna do it. Never took him seriously. We were kids, experimenting with sex drugs and rock n roll. Crazy times. He was smart though. I am the only person that knows he killed himself. Weighs heavy on my shoulders but I would never breath a word to anyone who knew him. I remember the first time he brought it up. I was 15 walking home from school with him. He said when I die I’m going to crash my car into a tree so nobody knows I did it on purpose. Over the next 4 years he’d bring it up once a month or so along those same lines. He was in a head on collision motorcycle accident with a semi truck when he was 20 years old. (in a coma for all you listening for 7 days before his mother had to pull the plug. Not an ideal suicide) I didn’t attend the funeral. It’s been sheesh 6 years…. I wouldn’t kill myself. I think it’s weak to place your pain on other people. I’m still quite upset with his decision. I don’t care if he’s at peace now. He should be here suffering. Painting on fake smiles even if he didn’t want to be with me whatever his mom his sister his brother all his friends his dad they will never recover from his selfish act. They cry every day for his “at peace” I have no idea how to go about forgiving him or I dont even know if I want to. I do know I would like to stop carrying around this hate at some point. I am officially rambling . Thanks for letting me vent. Any advice or insight would be very much appreciated. You have managed after everything you’ve been through. Maybe you can lend me something out of your toolbox?
Why do you think I run the whole show? Only been here about 6 weeks myself. Not the first time I’ve heard such a thing….just don’t know where it’s coming from. Am I getting bad press?…lol…please mediate my last comment if you would….will explain everything.
It’s all good
Amakua
hey Penny,
I understand your last comment….but have just been called out to deal with a social worker that is helping me with my pension application. I would love to share something out of my toolbox with you….but want to be able to give you the time and focus necessary. Hopefully I will be back in an hour or two….if you’re not still here…will leave something for you on your post. Promise. I would love to know more about your take on some things as well. Why did you think I ran this circus?…lol…although I’m probably one of the few who has any idea who does run this show….lol….that being said…I want more cheese.
Hope to talk to you later
Stay Good
Amakua
Hello Penny,
Hope you get this. Sorry was gone longer than expected. First of all, relax, no crazy mother here….my youngest daughter is 15 and is currently experiencing a severe depression…i was warned to expect it as she has Asperger’s Syndrome. So yes the dialogue around depression and suicide is open here….but she also knows that for me suicide is not an option. And she has promised me if she ever starts to feel that bad again…she will come and talk to me….or to someone else…as I have proved to her….you can get through it…and there are always blessings after the struggle. She is one of my greatest blessings. Here is something she shared with me back in September…..”Emotional pain lasts on average 12 minutes…anything beyond that is self-imposed.”
As to my last NDE….I remember all of it. Was there something in particular you wished to know. I could tell you everything but i have a mental image of a virtual lumberjack chopping down an entire virtual forest in order to give me enough virtual paper to write the whole thing….oh yeah and you probably wouldn’t understand most of it…even if you could read it….but direct questions i will attempt to answer. In December of 2000, I was given less than 6 months to live. In January 2001 I had my last NDE. When I came back I had immediately noticed something strange. I lost 12 pounds and 2 1/2 inches in height in those 6 hours and my hair turned silver. I had to move the seat in my car for the first time ever. My clothes didn’t fit. Talk about panic….thought I’d come back and got in the wrong body. But the worst was the instant the physical and emotional pain came back….the return of the Human Condition…..too intense….if I was gonna break…it would have been then. But I stand. And will continue to stand. So I know first hand that there are other ways to kill yourself than the obvious….I almost got away with it.
In regards to your friend…in my opinion you are merely suffering with grief…but don’t for some reason feel worthy of grieving….you have lost someone you had a connection with…and anger and self-deprecation are all part of it. In the end know that you could have done nothing to save him. It was his time. That is the truth. I should know….7 times remember….but not my time.
Namaste
Amakua