Everything deteriorates around me…..

So  I’ve basically been fighting depression and anxiety my whole life, especially the last two years have been rough.

My life has slowly deteriorated and all my struggling just seems to be in vain. All my interests seem gray and mostly just feel like chores the few times a month I actually do them.

I feel sorry for the few friends and family that is still around me, because how can decently fulfilled people possibly be able to relate to the darkness that I emit. I used to be so positive although things were rough….

I have begun self-medicating a lot, pills, booze, it doesn’t matter. I do this knowingly that it will drag me deeper down into my personal hell, where my sorry ass belongs. I’m so fucked up in that way. I give as much love and care away to other people as I possibly can, but when I arrive to myself there is only deep hatred and disgust.

I miss keeping my chin up and fighting through the misery, I have desperately tried to find that drive again, that one thing that will keep me going forward. But I fumble in the dark and it has been a long time since I even saw a little glimmer of light.

Why can’t I see the positive things in my life anymore? I feel so lonely in this intense pain… and so selfish.

Thank you for reading,

Much love to all of you.