First off, I’d just like to point out that I never… ever imagined this would happen to me. It seemed like one of those things that the evil side of the world exhibited. A terrible thing like murder, torture, kidnapping, theft… Something that should’ve persistently steered clear of me, as it succeeded to for a good 15 years. I’m not saying I’m perfect, or lucky, or better than those who haven’t been steered clear of those sorts of things for nearly as long as myself. Only, the thought of things suddenly changing like it has because of something along the lines of “those things that the evil side of the world exhibits” seemed out of place in my world. And again, I’m not trying to say that me, myself, or my little world are perfect, lucky, or better than others.
It’s just… different for me.
It’s just… a bit of a shock… that… something so… remotely exciting has happened to me out of the blue. Yet, it doesn’t excite me. It’s just… different. Wow, this is hard to explain.
I saw it in movies, TV shows… I even heard talk about incidents happening to innocent people on the news, similar to what I recently experienced. You look at your life… hating yourself… wishing it was over… or – for those optimistic people – you sit around living life to the fullest, and perhaps trying to help out those like me who feel, well, not as optimistic. But, then this happens to you. Rape. Is it a sign? Is it supposed to make you feel better… about… life? Is this a way of Mother Nature helping to emphisize the self-guilt?
I don’t know. I need help I guess. I’ve never been in this situation before, and it’s all so confusing. Um, I didn’t know the guy at all before that night. He worked at a little food joint (set up like a Pizza Pizza for example). I was cold, lost, penniless, had no means of communication as my phone died… so, I kindly asked him for an outlet where I could charge my phone and he directed me to the back of the store. After beginning to charge my phone to find out where I was, he came on to me a little too strong for my liking… One thing led to another and next thing I knew I was locked in the back of a store having to make sure to “be quiet” and “get away from any cameras so that no one would see me” and subjected to… well… non-consensual intercourse… well, rape. It was scary and I have nightmares about it now… and I can’t help but believe that I was somehow in the wrong.
I don’t want to describe what exactly happened to me in detail as reliving it does bring tears, and with that, a flow of harsh emotions. Though, I do like to cry. It’s almost… comforting. Only, not here… not now… I’m not looking for attention, or a sympathetic eye… I just need a way out. It’s so hard to let the guilt go and it’s super hard to let the hurt go. It also made my thoughts of suicide stronger…Â How? I don’t know. I’m a mess.
So… yeah.
5 comments
I am very sorry this happened – you have my every sympathy.
You need to write everything down, as best you can remember, in the order it happened. Go over it until it’s clear in your mind, and then decide whether you want to report it.
My heart goes out to your for that horrible experience.
And the perpetrator needs to be slowly tortured and castrated and then violated himself with sharp objects.
causeway made an excellent suggestion…..
I would add even if you choose not to report it please go see someone specializing in rape counseling. I’d suggest reporting it though.
So you can get help dealing with the feelings that I am sure you are experiencing right not.
I wish I were where you are because all you had to do is point him out and I would make that degenerate evil coward wish he were dead.
Thatgirl..I know what your going through..you might say no you really don’t..that’s what I thought when it happened to me. Noone knows cause you weren’t there..that’s what I felt. Rape is a very traumatic experience..I can tell you it will be better..but then when you get into a relationship down the road and that man says something or does something to you that’s abusive..those flashbacks come back. You can never get over it..you can try and I hope you will. I hope you don’t ever hate men as much as I hate them..they say they are different and there are good men out there but I will never trust one again. I am a very good person but ive lived most my life quiet and hidden from this world. It has changed my whole life..it hasn’t been what I wanted but its just the way it is. I’m sorry that piece of shit did that to you.
I’m so sorry. I know that at this point, no one can say/do anything to make you feel better, but please remember……..things are overwhelming. Crying is natural and will relieve that much burning thoughts inside of you.
I so know what you are going through and i have one piece of important advise go and report it and get some councilling dont let it break you what he did to you was not your fault ok?i had a similar experience and all i can say is dont let it ruin your life things can get better dont give up