So hard..

never felt that life was so hard. Seems like everything i do is wrong. in the 2 years i have felt like this i feel as if i have lost everything, dropped out of school because everything got to me. turned to drinking cause it seemed like the easiest option,but since that decision life has gotton 50% worse. and as easy as it seems like to stop that goes okay for a while untill i breakdown over something again.. and turn to it again and go out and drink before work, then end up not showing for work. and im on the last straw with them and as much as i try to do everythign right with that area of my life i still manage to stuff things up. ive been so down that last year i even resorrted to cutting myself, which made me feel alot better at the time.. but now i see i was silly to do it. But all through that i only ever had one person to tell how i felt.. and that was one of my good mates, i told him how i felt no matter what it was and not once did he call me stupid or when i told him how i just didnt want to be around anymore he sat there and gave me the best advice he could and listened no matter how silly i sounded, and having someone like that in my life helped so much. and within a couple of months my life was going back on track, i moved back in with my parents.. work was going great then one day i went to go message him and see how he was and what was he up too.. and about 10 minuets later i got a call from him mum telling me how he had a stroke and passed away earlier this morning. at first i couldnt understand what she was saying.. and it took me a few minuets to comprehend what i just herd, and it broke my heart. and once again i resorted to drinking, except this time when i drank 90% of the time i would get completely our of it, and wake up hardly rememberng anything, or make a stupid decisiom the night before and had at least one person hating me for it. and everytime this happened i promised myself i wouldnt drink again and get my life back on track, but once again things got to hard. nd untill this day im in the same situation but this time ive fucked up work again to the point wheere im even to scared to ring them for fear that i will lose my job.and my parents have packed up everything in my room demanding i move out.and i am a messs ive turned around and told my dad after being spat on, that i cant do this anymore and dont want to be here, and i ended up getting laughed at and called pathetic. i am at wits end.. and i seriously dont know what to do..
and ive eneded up finding this site, im not one to tell anyone my problems but in my situation i dont have much to lose.. and really needed to get it out to somebody.
apologies to anyone who sat here reading this and feel as if they wasted there time reading about all my shit.