Dear depressed-Taylor,
I hope I’m not interrupting your busy schedule or anything. I needed to tell you something important. So shut off the music and listen. The simple fact is, I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. God, I miss that goofy laugh. Remember how contagious it was? Remember when you were a kid and you would get into these terrible fits of laughter that practically landed you on the floor? I miss that. Everything used to make you laugh. Now you hardly ever laugh. I miss your stupid jokes. I miss how care-free you were. I miss how you used to care about yourself. How you looked or dressed. I don’t care if that sounds superficial. When was the last time you put make-up on? Or did your hair nicely? How about the last time you were happy? You probably can’t remember. You never remember much of anything. You used to care about exercising and eating and films and books and friendships and travelling and writing. You hardly care about anything lately. What happened to you? Who or what did this to you? Did you do this to you? Nevermind about answering, you’re smart enough to know what did this to you.
You aren’t dead – but depression made you lifeless and apathetic. The real question is how are you going to pull yourself out of it? Don’t make any excuses. You’re good at excuses. You know damn well you can pull yourself out of it. But have you even tried? No, because you’re a procrastinator. If procrastination were an occupation you’d be at the top of your field. Now you’re probably wishing that procrastination were an occupation. Wishful thinking. I know, it’s much easier to live out some sort of fantasy, but it’s not real. You exist in the crummy real-world and you have to do what you have to do to survive in it. You can not escape reality. You can’t outrun it. You have to face it head-on. I know you’re scared. You know how you failed your driver’s road test twice and you were horrified by the time the third try came around? You saw this big burly woman coming over to the car and you thought – that’s it, I’m a goner. Then she turned out to be the opposite of what you expected – really nice and even turned the wheel for you when you parallel parked. You got yourself all worked up and worried for nothing. Well, it’s kinda like that now. You are getting yourself all worked up for no good reason. Okay, so the world fucking sucks. What are you gonna do about it? You aren’t gonna do anything about it. You are just one person. You are like a tiny little ant on a big pile of dirt and rock. You have no control over outside forces. You only have control of one thing – you.
Alright, well, I just thought you should know all of this. I’m sure you already do. You know everything don’t you, smart-ass? Seriously, think about what I’ve said. Spend all of your time thinking about what I’ve said. You spend your time thinking about things you have no control over. Just… stop. ‘Cause I miss you. The old you. If it hurts me to see you this way, think about what that does to other people who care about you. You can’t give up. Not like this. If you can’t fight for somebody else, fight for you. You need to. You have to. Do it.
Sincerely, Taylor.
77 comments
nice post, I guess that is ultimately what it comes down to for all of us. We can change things if we want, but do we actually have the will or even any motivation to try. Making things “better” is hard, it takes to much effort, and is there even anything in this crummy world worth changing for. Personally I think I am content to follow the path of least resistance, to have nothing, be nothing, care for nothing, until eventually this long monotonous journey is over and everything becomes nothing. Sounds like you do want more out of life though, good luck with that 🙂
Thanks for reading, and the good luck. lol. I’ll need it.
Wow…nice post and written well.
Anywho, depression does take a lovely tight grip on your life and squeezes it dry…and the real-world…well yea that’s crummy. And sadly, procrastination isn’t a job( shucks! ’cause then we could start a nice big company for procrastinators heh )
BUT – you seem to really want to kick your depression in the rear-end. That’s great 😀 I think everyone wants you to be the old you( in that you’re happier and such ). So I hope you can find some good old fashioned motivation! I think you can do it, I think you can survive in this crummy real-world and make it better for at least yourself. Obviously may not be over-night or over the week, and may not be easy – but you can do it. But also don’t be too hard on yourself either.
There’s my optimism for you 🙂 ( even if you didn’t want it – there it is ha )
Also your post helped me too – nice smack in the face if I do say so myself.
And so I wish you good luck ( plus I want to hear some “stupid” jokes of yours and such 😛 )
nice
Oh Wow GoodGirl,
I saw you were composing something. Wow. So do you now realize that you are the leprechaun and the bear and all as well. Had to keep reminding myself you were talking to Taylor and not me. That’s good stuff. So shit girl. What are you gonna do first?…and iffin’ you say put on a wig and learn how to cook….i’ll thumb it to Jersey and smack some sense into you. Is that what happened? They (us) made you feel bad enough to start to defend yourself from yourself? If so….good to know….would like to meet the other Taylor one day too….in the meantime…no matter what …..you are Golden.
Really pleased with your post. I knew you were more than just a smart-ass.
Love Always
Amakua(Lori)
@Will, thanks for your optimism. I mean that. Nice change of pace. Procrastination should be a job. We’d be rich! ha. I hope I didn’t smack you in the face too hard. Thanks for the luck. When I think of some jokes, I’ll tell them to you. :]
@X-boy, thanks. :]
@Ama, ahah, yes, I know I’m the bear and leprechaun. Did my post hit a nerve in you?
No, you didn’t make me feel bad. I made me feel bad. Thanks for always saying I’m golden. And, no, I’m not gonna put on a wig and learn how to cook first. lol. I don’t know what I’m gonna do first.
Love ya back.
She’s gonna come down south and see good ole dawg for some cookin lessons 😉
but ya gotta where the apron 😀
chef dawg
PS outstanding post 🙂
yea we all need a little luck in this life I think. So you said the real question is how are you going to pull yourself out of it…for me that was always the second question, first I have to come up with a why before I could even put any effort into a how. I think life is a completely selfish endeavor we only do what we must to get what we want or to avoid things we don’t want. If there is no motivation or the motivation isn’t strong enough to balance against the effort involved…Sometimes it just feels like an endless cycle of jumping through hoops, but if you like where you are at, or don’t see anything good on the far side of the next hoop…why jump. Personally I am ok with lifeless and apathetic lol.
Oh and as far as never remembering things maybe you just don’t want to. Personally I think remembering things is overrated, if the past was better then the present why bother remembering it, it just makes the present seem even more drab and depressing. Well and if the past was worse then the present, might as well just live in the here and now and forget about it.
I know….collect some empties from the side of the road….that is if the $28 is all gone….and buy you some of the best chocolate…you deserve it….you been working hard….and so young…i’m jealous.
If you can’t find the empties for all the slush and snow ….let me know….i can always send a little your way. YOU DESERVE CHOCOLATE….and a bubble bath…lol…and music…and sunshine….and warm breezy days…and….welll you get the point.
Just remember…once you start to climb….you might slip a little….but you’ll never fall soooo far again. Promise.
Beaming with JOY
Amakua
Wow. Very nice. It’s painful to honestly analyze ourselves when we don’t like what we’ve become. I guess it’s necessary though if we want to get better.
Wow I think What and Ama got it down too ha.
I like What’s thing about remembering ha, eh why bother.
As for Ama: Agreed! You deserve chocolate, and music, and sunshine, and all those things. “you might slip a little…but you’ll never fall soooo far again” – this I like.
Hopefully you caught a glimpse of ama’s BEAM OF JOY.
And @lucky has it right too.
@WhatAmIDoingHere, I struggle to get motivated too. But I decided that I didn’t want to die and that I didn’t want to be stuck here at this point. So that only leaves changing it. To get motivated to change it is very difficult. When you think about life being pointless and us having no purpose being here, it only makes it worse. But I can’t see any other option than to live. That’s me though. You’re right about remembering things. When you’re life is boring there’s really no sense in remembering things anyway. I have trouble remembering to DO things as well. Like little everyday things; I am very forgetful.
@Ama, I still have that 28 dollars. I think I’ll have to get me some chocolate and take a bubble bath. lol. As for sunshine and breezy days… can’t wait for that. Probably will have to wait a while though. Well, I hope I never fall so far again.
@lucy4, Thank you. I am now at a loss for words – mentally kaput – after all of that self-analyzing.
That is an amazing post, very inspiring. I don’t think anyone could’ve said that better. Wow. 🙂
memory is a funny thing. I would say I have a good memory, in school it was easy to remember things at least til the end of the semester lol. These days I would probably have to look most times if someone even asked me what day it was, or what was the last 3 songs that pandora played…ummm but apathy does that to you if you don’t really care, then you don’t put any effort into keeping track of things. Even doing the everyday things, sure you know you should do them, but you probably really don’t care if you do or not, so its easy for those things to slip your mind.
Hey GoodGirl,
Let me know when you get the chocolate….will pull out another 99cent can of chocolate frosting and join ya….the bubble bath….nah….you’re on your own for that….just remember….soft music….candlelight…beverage of choice…or maybe a book….relax….enjoy….you’ve worked hard.
wow! that was really well written. i would never be able to write something like this, well done 🙂
@Morgan….I would personally rip it off and work it into your intro….personal take eh?….what do you think?….if you like it as much as I do….maybe you could ask the author….i hear she’ll do anything for chocolate…lol
or rather weave it through the topic….that way it could be personal without having to out you. hmmm? this is the best thing i’ve read since i first came here….truly….a gift to be sure….as is GoodGirl….just don’t tell her I’m tooting her horn….she’s kinda shy….lol
Amakua
@amakua
lol you kinda made me day 🙂 so thank you for that. I’m thinking that maybe i should write something like this and keep it and look at it every now and then. like when i get really depressed or something.
-Morgan
@farmerstrong, thank you.
@What, lol, I have to look at what day it is too. You’re right. Apathy causes you to not care about keeping track of things.
@Morgan, you should write a letter to yourself. It doesn’t matter if it’s well written. It might help you. Make sure it’s in your own words. From the heart, from the mind. You can do it. :]
@Ama, haha, thanks for making me laugh and tooting my horn.
@Morgan….don’t thank me….thank Taylor.
Wow your fucking brave
I think your my hero
I feel like i just got a reality check
its one thing to think this
but you wrote it down (amazingly might i add)
and when you right it its real
and its unbelievable to view yourself as an outsider
its scary and your amazing for doing
i absolutely love this
Hey SheWolf,
What did I tell you…eh?….and I think you’re just as brave as my good friend that started this post. But baby steps….just wanted to see where your headed hopefully…you know signposts….bread crumb trail…whatever….there is light at the end….and someone just wrote it all out for us….the journey of rediscovery of self….amazing eh?
GoodGirl Amazes Amakua
read all about it….ahhhh
Hey GoodGirl….if I haven’t sent you scurrying for anonymity…could I beg a small favour….can I add your post to my toolbox and share it with MaryLou….do you remember her?….won’t share if you don’t want me to….will wait.
@SheWolf, do you mind if I call you that, too? lol. I’m too humble to be a hero, but I’m glad that my post helped you or inspired you or whatever it did for you. Thanks for reading and commenting.
@Ama, Yes, you can share this with Mary Lou. Just give me credit. ;]
@TheGoodGirl
Haha yea i like it lol shewolf haha
Yup it inspred me lol
Hey GoodGirl…thanks for the thumbs up…gonna go catch up on my e-mail now and kill some zombies….lol….maybe i’ll see you around later. And don’t I owe you an e-mail as well….lol
Was trying to give you a break
Amakua
Hi c:
And Amakua I haven’t been able to finish the book yet sadly :c
Hi att.
@Shewolf, haha, funny the nicknames we come up with on here. Yay, glad I inspired.
@Ama, good luck with the zombie killing. Get one between the eyes for me. :]
Hello dear o.o
How’re you?
I’m quite tired u-u
exhausted.
Hm, sorry to hear that. Know how that feels. Maybe you should go to bed early tonight.
How are you?
And will you go to bed early with me? xD
And no can do…must work on some hw :/
I am… blah. I don’t have a better word for it.
lol, Not until you finish your hw. And I hate going to bed early. Ugh. ha.
lol if I’m a good boy we can go to bed? XD
Urm…okay I guess it’s a fair deal u-u
and well blah is better than bad, I hope.
haha, Yes.
It is a fair deal, do your hw, mister.
Well, bad might be a better word. Or.. depressed. Now there’s a good word for it.
Oki oki I’ll start on it :/
MEH D;
I was writing a research paper on cyber-vigilantes but
I’ve decided now..3 weeks later…with the 6-8 page draft due
in a week to write about cyber-bullying. :c
And tell me thy troubles
Pour thy heart unto me
Let me wash thy wounds
So that you may recover and rejoice
lol x)
A week? Uh, you better get started on it. Hope you did your research. Eh, I used to procrastinate on papers too.
My post pretty much says it all. I honestly can’t describe how I’m feeling right now, I can’t find the words.
I’m working on it…sorta..looking for sources right now.
Dun worry…I’m trying..I just I dunno.
Hard to explain the issue with me and writing.
Is okay if you don’t have anything to say then
Do you feel like you don’t have the inspiration to write it? Or motivation?
Pretty much.
I don’t feel like writing any paper :l
I know how you feel. :/
Take your time. Baby steps. Sometimes I would do my best writing last minute. Crunch time is inspirational. lol
lol I do my best writing anytime.
As long as I want to..
This paper..it feels..so..wrong :l
Meh. Well now I switched topics
I’m finding sources..maybe the new topic will be of help.
I used to hate being assigned a topic to write about. And even if we could “pick” a topic, you were still given choices to pick from. I never wanted to write about any of them. That and I was lazy. ha. Hopefully your new topic is better and inspires you.
It…I dunno meh.
I forgot once upon a time you were in school as well
Hahaha I had forgotten the person I sleep next to is old
LOL (:
Lmao. I know, I’m sooo old. ;]
oh well being so old that would explain why your memory is so bad, its just early onset Alzheimer’s 😛
Haha, yeah, sometimes I think I do have early onset Alzheimer’s.
cyber bullies: haters
asking why people (the youngsters) hate is like asking why is the sky blue (in most cases). what I’m saying is that’s probably a bad topic to put your mind into. If you really want to make a statement about that you gotA be radical (haha),, like go to your school during the night (how fun) and tag up ‘ FAWk HATErs!!! BURN IN HELL!!! ASSHOLEs >=) * its gota look badass though.
anyways what’s your other topic on?
(im just sitting at the park(in the dark) wit me dogs =o
o-o xboy crazy
@GoodGirl
lol it’s okay
I’ll keep you around despite
you being sooo old ;o
Thank you att. :]
ah well Alzheimer’s won’t be all bad, I wonder once it sets in how long it takes for a depressed person to forget to be unhappy.
Good question. I wanna know that too.
na leave out ‘ *ssh*les ‘ though , =x sorry
u-u psh no problem
you really think I’d just ditch ya?
You know I can’t be rid of you..lol
I needs you somehow..bleh
I’m so desperate XD
Nice post ood girl!!! Did you get my emails??
Whoops my bad wrong person lol sorry but again great post
lol I was like, what emails? haha
Thanks molly!
well aren’t you miss popular now 😉
nerd dawg
lol, Who me?! ;]
Beautiful letter.
I never knew the carefree Taylor, never heard the goofy laugh Taylor. But I don’t think she’s gone; I think I will meet her. I hope so. Because she’s still there. The girl inside of lol is still roflmao. It’s not that she’s lost or gone away – it’s just she has a new scene going, and the scene is not her; it never will be her, and until she finds a way of working it, she has retired her girlhood to become a woman.
Taylor, everything that was in you is still there, and who you were is valuable to who you will become. What you call procrastinating is not that – it’s transition. You’re on the cusp of the rest of your life – it’s frightening and haunting. Sure you’re dragging your heels, who wouldn’t? You’re facing up to it: that’s what reflection is for. You know which parts of yourself you need to bring with you, but you regret the world is so crummy that it doesn’t value your smile, your laugh, your sense of humour for what they are. But we are not the world. 🙂 We value them like sunken treasure, and we’ll raise them for you. If we may.
You know what? Pain is wonderful sometimes. It deepens you like nothing else can. It help you to plot your way to where you’re going because where you’re at is too much. Where you draw the line is when it begins to hollow you out. When it threatens to cross the line you do goofy things, like laughing at nothing, or writing letters to yourself. Later you do other things, and you find the things you do are the things you loved all along – exercising and eating and films and books and friendships and travelling and writing. You haven’t lost any of these things – they’ll be waiting for you on the other side of your transition. And when you rediscover them you’ll find your understanding of them has deepened into empathy, and that your passion for them has transformed into love. That’s the gift of what you’re experiencing now – it’s hard won, but it’s worth it. No-one can come to a settlement with themselves without fighting it out first. It feels like your fighting yourself – but you’re not; you’re fighting for yourself, for your place in the world, and for the best deal you can get without compromising who you were, who you are, and who you will become. Because they’re all equally important.
I know a girl cares for her hair so much she wears it in empathy tresses. Wears a different kind of makeup, which she applies in support and sympathy for others. Has a smile that’s deeper than it is wide. Is as curious as she is shy. Inhabits a famous blue raincoat with an untorn shoulder. It’s an arrangement she has – someday soon she’ll pick what she likes from these, and she’ll go back and collect her other smile and her goofy laugh, and she’ll do what she has to do, armed to the teeth with herself. But she’s not in a hurry – the world can wait. The world always waits for a lady.
Beautiful answer.
I read it and I cried. Then I read it again and cried a second time. I don’t really know what to say now. That was the best answer to my letter. I loved it. You’re right.
“We value them like sunken treasure, and we’ll raise them for you. If we may.”
You may. You all may. But I ask that you act with haste before the sea creatures take up a home in me.
Thank you.
I see a lot of venting on this site, and that’s okay and welcomed, but at the end of the day, i see very little solutions coming from people.
Time changes little to nothing, people however do. Tell ‘Taylor’, Do what you have been doing, and you will have what you got
We are exactly the same, apart from the bit about make-up. That’s only on weekends 🙂
We’re the same Duke? And, lol @ the make-up comment. :]
Yeah, the same.
I used to be care free. I could light up a room just by being there. I am a shadow of my former self. Just like you memory and concentration have gotten worse. It’s only my underlying ability which gets me through. I have tried everything to bring myself back. There are other medications out there and I don’t care about the consequences. I don’t even recognise myself anymore.
Hm, but medications won’t bring your old self back.
Yeah I know. I thought the Duloxetine would make me sharper. It’s sort of improved some things but it hasn’t done what I expected. There are still other drugs but they can only be prescribed in certain circumstances. I threatened my doctor that I would get them illegally if need be. If I’m bright like I used to be I would have the same sense of humour and personality which used to go with my good looks. I think depression has made me a kinder person. If this had not happened I would probably be the most arrogant and self centred person in the world so maybe this is who I was meant to be. I just want to people to like me, to like myself.
That was an amazing letter and as a side note a touching response by causeway. Holy cow. I wish I had that kind of courage and self-awareness. I too procrastinate.
“You got yourself all worked up for nothing”
Simply unreal, can’t describe myself any better than this.
I hope you continue to improve and find time to inspire us all
@ Goodgirl
If a flying saucer landed outside your house and an alien came up to you and asked you what caused your depression what would you do. I would be inclined to tell them to go back to mars and mind their own business, but what might you say in those circumstances?
@chidoguy, Thank you. :]
I still have a long road ahead of me, which means that there will be plenty more where that letter came from. So you can expect posts from me in the future. I only hope that they can all become inspirational, and not just rants. So you get yourself all worked up too? That’s me in a nutshell. Big ‘ol worry-wart over here.
@Duke, Well, I wouldn’t jump to say, ‘thank you depression for making Duke a nicer person’, lol. But at least something good came out of it?
As for the aliens, I think I’d be more taken aback by the fact that aliens landed outside of my house than anything. Then, seeing as how they speak English, I’d ask them all sorts of questions. And maybe I’d ask if they can abduct me. ;]
@GoodGirl
I’m not sure if worked up or worrying are the right words. I just over-think and over-analyze when quite frankly it just isn’t necessary. I guess that probably is worrying lol. It doesn’t matter if it’s school, work, girls, friends, whatever. I analyze every little issue or situation. Unfortunately, in my brain all of my past successes and triumphs get surpassed and overcrowded by all the negative things in my head. So yeah, I guess I get all worked up…
lol Our brains are very similar then. I over-analyze everything too. To the nth degree. And the negative definitely overshadows the positive.
Maybe it’s because you stay up late like today when it’s way past your bed time. Instead you should be a good girl and stop associating with the likes of me after midnight. I have been accused of turning many girls bad and I don’t want the same thing to happen to you.
MY bedtime? Ain’t it way past your bedtime?? lol It’s only almost 2am. Actually, I am about to go to bed soon.
You see, now there’s some confusion. I forgot to change my username, so that everyone knows I’m really a bad girl.
I’m not asking you out or anything but what’s your status is there anything interesting going on in the world of Taylor.