The letter

Dear depressed-Taylor,

I hope I’m not interrupting your busy schedule or anything. I needed to tell you something important. So shut off the music and listen. The simple fact is, I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. God, I miss that goofy laugh. Remember how contagious it was? Remember when you were a kid and you would get into these terrible fits of laughter that practically landed you on the floor? I miss that. Everything used to make you laugh. Now you hardly ever laugh. I miss your stupid jokes. I miss how care-free you were. I miss how you used to care about yourself. How you looked or dressed. I don’t care if that sounds superficial. When was the last time you put make-up on? Or did your hair nicely? How about the last time you were happy? You probably can’t remember. You never remember much of anything. You used to care about exercising and eating and films and books and friendships and travelling and writing. You hardly care about anything lately. What happened to you? Who or what did this to you? Did you do this to you? Nevermind about answering, you’re smart enough to know what did this to you.

You aren’t dead – but depression made you lifeless and apathetic. The real question is how are you going to pull yourself out of it? Don’t make any excuses. You’re good at excuses. You know damn well you can pull yourself out of it. But have you even tried? No, because you’re a procrastinator. If procrastination were an occupation you’d be at the top of your field. Now you’re probably wishing that procrastination were an occupation. Wishful thinking. I know, it’s much easier to live out some sort of fantasy, but it’s not real. You exist in the crummy real-world and you have to do what you have to do to survive in it. You can not escape reality. You can’t outrun it. You have to face it head-on. I know you’re scared. You know how you failed your driver’s road test twice and you were horrified by the time the third try came around? You saw this big burly woman coming over to the car and you thought – that’s it, I’m a goner. Then she turned out to be the opposite of what you expected – really nice and even turned the wheel for you when you parallel parked. You got yourself all worked up and worried for nothing. Well, it’s kinda like that now. You are getting yourself all worked up for no good reason. Okay, so the world fucking sucks. What are you gonna do about it? You aren’t gonna do anything about it. You are just one person. You are like a tiny little ant on a big pile of dirt and rock. You have no control over outside forces. You only have control of one thing – you.

Alright, well, I just thought you should know all of this. I’m sure you already do. You know everything don’t you, smart-ass? Seriously, think about what I’ve said. Spend all of your time thinking about what I’ve said. You spend your time thinking about things you have no control over. Just… stop. ‘Cause I miss you. The old you. If it hurts me to see you this way, think about what that does to other people who care about you. You can’t give up. Not like this. If you can’t fight for somebody else, fight for you. You need to. You have to. Do it.

Sincerely, Taylor.