I’m living a very good life.
I have an amazing wife who is also my very best friend and we explore many things together.
I have a great job that is rock-solid even in a bad economy and I bring home a paycheck that puts me in the 30th percentile of the country.
I have two great kids that I have a positive and sharing relationship with, and I’m very proud of them. They are active in sports, the local Historical Society, are both honor students in AP and Honors classes, and much more.
I have no debt (credit cards, etc), I live in a nice house in a quiet rural community where everyone knows everyone and looks out for each other, I have dependable and trustworthy friends that I enjoy greatly, I have a number of interests and hobbies that keep me active and feeling alive.
I really do feel at times that I am the luckiest man alive. I genuinely enjoy the life I have. I’m not lying to myself and just trying to fit the mold or expectations of others, etc. I’m truly happy.
All the above said, I frequently feel a nearly overwhelming urge to put a bullet through my head.
I was diagnosed w/ Bipolar Disorder in 2001. I resisted the idea until I was hospitalized during an episode in 2006. After that I went through many doctors and scripts before finding some balance in 2008, and have been solid on my feet since 2009.
I’m “better” now. I really do feel better. I used to be sad and depressed and inactive… spent days on end wrapped in a blanket in the closet. There was a short period where I hid under the bed and refused to come out unless I needed the bathroom, and it was terrifying to move even for that.
I’m better. I’ve moved past all that. I’m fully functional in day-to-day life and I enjoy making plans for the future because I feel that I have one.
But every now and then I have a flash, a thought, a moment I cannot truly explain. I want to shoot myself. I’ve also had flashes where I wanted to steer my Harley into an oncoming truck, jump off the bridge I was walking across, even stab myself in the throat with the pencil I was using.
I’m so absolutely sick of this. I’m frustrated and tired and it’s starting to wear on me because it’s becoming more and more frequent and it’s becoming scarier. I had a friend say that women have more attempts, men have more success. I’ve never actually tried. If I had, I’d be dead. I don’t want to be dead. I’m happy. I truly enjoy my life. My life kicks ass.
But every now and then I still wish I could just do it, get it over with.
I feel better for having written this. Facing it “out loud” to people that may understand it. I know I’m not the only one that has felt exactly what I am describing.
I don’t know if I’ll be back here or not. But I’m glad I found it when I did. Thanks for reading.
3 comments
What you describe is called suisidal idealation i know as i suffer bipolar as well and what u have said i too live i have it all as well but the bipolar well it rears its ugly head sometimes for me too…i dont think we will ever be rid of the idealation but you can learn to live with it ignore but acknowledge it..there is a book called surviving bipolar what you and your family need to know it has a chapter on what you are saying and some really useful info feel free to email me i am well also but still suffer the same as you..cognative behaviour therapy is really helpful too if you find a good psychologist i wish you luck take care
When you are feeling low tell yourself ‘I am bi polar and I have crashed but I won’t always feel like this’.
That is what gets me through my down days and when things get better for me and I’m feeling healthier I say “so glad I didn’t harm myself that time”.
Hugs over the network
Just have to hold on and tell yourself it is temporary and will go away.
Just a product of your brain chemistry and not a reflection of what you actually want to do.
Think of it as a nightmare.
Terrifying while it is going on but once you wake up, it is over.