So it’s my first post and I haven’t been lurking very long and so I have no idea how this works so I’m just going to go…
I’m a horrible person. I hate myself. Everything I say is so contrived and fake, including all of this. I’m awful. I suck. I’ll never succeed. I’m a born failure. I’m unremarkable. I’m boring. Everyone hates me. No one needs me. You’re all bored now.
I know I won’t do it. I won’t. But I have to. I wanted to wait until graduating high school but I can’t even wait four months anymore. I’m consumed by it every fucking day, but I can’t do it and I won’t. Know why? I love playing the victim waaay too fucking much.
I exaggerate everything. I’m fake. I’m a liar. I’m lying about everything. I pretend to carry this conception that I suck when I don’t believe so, which is why I deserve to die. I make the contradiction in the previous sentence obvious so everyone can see that, WELL REALLY I’M GOOD, and so I deserve all of your pity. Don’t fall for my pathetic tricks.
Every action I do makes me deserve it more but I don’t wanna hurt anybody (psh, I just want more pity. I just want to keep myself down so everyone will keep pitying me. Factitious disorders, they’re called.)
Everyone’s tired of listening to me talk. No one wants to hear me say I’m miserable. They just want me to go away and never come back.
Therapy doesn’t work – and that’s my own fault too. Everyone else says I developed feelings for the last one. And that’s basically true. I’m not gonna deny it. I fell for my psychologist, of all people. He hasn’t called me or anything since I got back from the hospital the last time. He doesn’t care about me either. Of all the people in the world I had faith in him. Misplaced faith, granted, but faith nontheless.
The other therapists I had… I lied to the first one and I’m lying to the current one, and nothing anyone says is gonna make me tell the truth.
As for medication. It wasn’t working, I was getting a rash from one of them but the rash was where my cutting scars were and I wasn’t about to show THAT to my parents – so I stopped taking that one. Then I stopped taking the other. And I’m afraid to take either. I don’t want medication.
I don’t even want to try and get better anymore.
And if I’m not even going to try, I’ll never get better. And let’s face it, I just want to commit suicide. So why shouldn’t I go for it?
What I want to do is take a garden hose, duct tape, and some pills and preferably some alcohol too, take someone’s car, and drive away for maybe an hour or so while no one knows I’m gone / no one expects for me to be back for awhile. And when I find a spot where my parents won’t find me first and no one will find me in time, I’ll use the tape to attach one end of the hose to the exhaust pipe and feed the other end through the window (using duct tape to close the window, and possibly a towel). I’ll turn the engine on, press on the accelerator for a bit. Then I’ll take the pills and the alcohol and hopefully go to sleep and never wake up. In case the exhaust doesn’t get me, I’ve got almost 200 pills. Mostly generic brand Benadryl, a few nighttime pain pills, some daytime pain pills, my antidepressants, my mood stabilizers. And to be honest I’m basically verifying for the millionth time that this’ll work, that this’ll be enough…
But a part of me is scared shitless. This is like… power. I shouldn’t have power. Power’s always scared me. I don’t like it, I don’t want it, I’d just screw up if given it.
But I have to. I have to. Every story I read on here, every circumstance worse than mine. I have to, I have to I have to. Because I’m one of the luckiest people in the world and I’m too melodramatic to realize it.
I deserve to die. It almost doesn’t even matter whether I want to or not.
17 comments
I see no sign of the ‘horrible person’ you mention – I see an intelligent, lucid and self-aware human being attempting to overcome the disadvantages of obsession and low self-esteem. That immediately puts you ahead of the pack. Did I say welcome? I meant to say ~
Welcome.
Thanks, but I honestly will never believe a word you tell me. That’s how I play the game. I’m still going to… well, I don’t know. I may not do it. Maybe driving away and staring at the stars for awhile will be enough. I don’t know. I just need to get out, I just need to know that I COULD ctb if I wanted, but I don’t believe myself, and I don’t believe anyone who tells me so. I feel like the only way I’ll believe I can ctb is if I actually do.
But heck, then I think about how my entire life’s gonna be a failure, how I’m too lazy to do anything now or in the future, how suicide is more than likely the best option as it is…
Is it even possible for me to have some bit of closure, get a bit of closure with my family and my loved ones without them trying to stop me? Or will I have to just go, suddenly and forever? I feel like that’s unfair.
And sorry. I’m quiet most of the time, but quite the talker on the Internet 😛
I agree with causeway. but you won’t listen anyway so here’s food for thought:
I don;t think you really want pity, even though you’ve formed a bit of addiction to it. I think you really want love, and unfortunately in your mind, you’ve made the connection that if you get pitty from people, that is how they show love. That is why you need to constantly push people to pity you, because it’s the best way to get them to keep showing their love.
Well, there are much better ways to show love you know.
This is a fascinating entry. But no one has commented on your method. It won’t work I’m afraid…
1. All cars after like 1978 or something have catalytic converters, so there is a really low amount of carbon monoxide coming from the engine. You might get a headache or something, but that’s about it.
2. Benadryl OD and all that other stuff will almost definitely not kill you, although it might make you feel pretty horrible. Research this stuff, there’s info all over the web. I’ve heard about one or two deaths from Benadryl and alcohol, but mostly just really horrible dissociative trips with creepy-crawly like effects and walking around naked and such.
@one_day But I don’t want to fix that connection – I mean I want the connection to be fixed, but I don’t want to try to fix it. Can’t think of a better reason as to why I don’t other than that I’m just plain lazy or perhaps THAT terrified of failure, and that’s my own fault. But thank you for your consideration and that is an interesting idea.
Oh yeah you won’t listen, as you said, but you might as well tell the therapist the truth, got nothing to lose there, that is a big part of the point, it’s one person you can say just about anything to with no consequences. But you know that. If its the therapist you don’t trust, may be time to look for another.
Hmm. It think some tiny part of you does want to fix yourself though, or you wouldn’t be so open as to post on this site. Anyway, fixing that little connection shouldn’t be seen as a big daunting scary task. At the root of it is this simple concept:
You have people who love you.
You have to believe that. And I know that you don’t right now, because you feel this compulsion to push them and test them, test their love, and only when they show you pity are you satisfied that their love is genuine. But… this is fleeting. So you have to keep pushing them, keep testing their love.
Lets go back further: the reason why you can’t bring yourself to accept the previous concept is because of your dastardly (it’s been a while that I’ve been wanting to use that word) low self esteem, you don’t believe yourself worthy of love So here’s another one for you:
You are worthy of love.
anyway, sorry if this is a bit jumbly and rambly, I am feeling the aftereffects of some very nasty sedatives this morning so I’m not all there.
@deadinside – You can’t be serious DX I looked it up and they said you can still die that way, although it’s not necessarily the CO that gets you. I figured I could knock myself out with pills and alcohol and let the exhaust do its job before I wake up…
Although I suppose I could burn charcoal or something? Eh I don’t know.
Contridictinq.I had a friend (that I wanted to fiqht)In the hospital that would always and I mean always find a way to contridict someone hahaIt’s annoyinq and I haven’t heard anyone say It but yall to……Hey I like your personality!You put yourself down and then you say It’s fake and that you just want pitty but from my opoinin,that’s only the half of what your feelinq but yeah cool personality.
I have taken a lot of sleeping pills and it made me use the bathroom too much. Another time i used a bottle of tylenol and half a package of sleeping pills and had horrible bowel movements and vomiting every 10-15 min for 24
Hrs straight. Then someone found me and made me go to the hospital. I do not know what benadryl will do but the mention made me have flashbacks. It just doesn’t sound good.
My cousin died in a car by gassing himself he was blue at the viewing which was really upsetting to his little girls and mother im just sayin…if you lie to your therapist you have absolutly no point in going to them why not come clean and stop lying its only hurting yourself these people go home and live their lives and cook dinner and dont really think about you or me after work we are their work …a job if you dont tell them the truth they cant do their job and help you..keep trying dont give up come clean about the cutting they only want to help you dont be afraid talk to us as much as you need im not judging you just trying to help hope you find a way through…
I’d not the co, then what??
I don’t know. Jump off a cliff? Hang myself? Go with my stupid plan, hope I luck out and screw the bad experiences? I don’t care anymore, I refuse to be alive after this weekend. I really didn’t need to come here to verify that.
Thanks for all your time, kindness and consideration.
@AbbyMae, Hi. I read your article. Some I kinda misunderstood. You are brillant I must say. Suicuide is never the anwser. I mean I don’t have much room to talk, but I can spread the little insight I have. You are here for a reason. If you are very lucky stop and think before you end up in total darkness. What about adulthood? Freedom? Don’t you want any of it all? To fall in love? To travel the world? To fulfill your goals? There has to be something. Think about who you will be leaving. WHta you’ll be leaving. For all us humans know, the afterlife may not even exsist. May just be at the bottom of a dirty grave. Think about it. Seriously.
all of your talk about putting your Faith into others. Try putting all of that Faith into yourself.
Hey. I found your post randomly and I felt like I was reading my own words. I hope you’re okay now, that you’ve found peace and honesty. I’m struggling with the exact same things. I wish I had seen the light at the end of the tunnel so I could tell you about it, but I haven’t yet. I’m sure it’s there tho. This burden is huge, but there must be some wisdom in all this, there has to be a resolution. My love and prayers are for you, I hope you will be able to look back on all this as a thing of the past. Best of luck my friend.
This might have been a long time ago. But i really want to thank whoever posted this. Im glad that someone feels the same. That everything i do is never genuine, everything that comes out of my mouth feels insincere, almost like i want to mean what i say, and actually have people like me for it. And that might not seem bad, until i realize that i don’t feel like being a nice or good person, i just want to put on an act so people will be around me. From reading this post, to posting this comment, i can’t help but feel that im not reading or writing any of this for the right reasons, i just want someone to agree with me so the cycle can continue. Instead of wanting to solve my problems, I’m better at explaining them away. Instead of wanting to truly be nice or warm, i act interested in people, and then turn condescending and immediately want to be at home. I keep friends for the wrong reason, i want them to think i care, but I’m bored or with someone
Else when it matters. If anyone understands, thank you for reading, thank you posting this so i dont feel alone in understanding.