Ice

I had an argument with my father today, so I went to a park very close to me to ‘cool’ down. It’s a very small park (if you can even call it a park) with a large pond. The pond was frozen, there were a lot of small children ice-skating and stuff. I just stood there in the middle of the pond looking apathic. Nobody noticed me, they were all too busy having fun to notice a freak standing in the middle of the pond not moving at all. I secretly fantasized about undressing, laying down on the ice and freezing to death. Or making a hole and jumping in. Whatever, as long as it’s lethal. Hypothermia seems to be a reasonably pleasant death to me. I can’t get it off my mind, it just seems so easy. As I walked past my house I could hear a voice, rather strong. It was instructing me to come inside, go upstairs, cut. Yet I did not. I didn’t want to face my father, I had to cool down. At some point I decided that it didn’t make any sense to stay on the ice, so I walked off it to look for a place to sit. And then my mother showed up. She knew I needed to cool down, but she was worried. Worried? About what? What could possibly go wrong, she knew where I was, and what on earth could go wrong in a park full of ice-skating children and adults (most were there with their children, but some were there on their own as well).

Pisses me off, what does she think? I hate that ***** sometimes. Worry about me? What kind of feeling is that? I think I’ve read about it somewhere, I think it’s called ‘love’. ‘Love’ is not in my dictionary. In fact, I think it’s the most disgusting feeling in the world. ‘Love’ is for people who are controlled by their INSTINCTS rather that their RATIONAL MIND. I do not know such feelings (don’t say I’ll fall in love some day, I’ve been attracted to a person before, which is not the same as feeling ‘love’). I do not ‘love’ our pets. Sure I like them, and I see no reason to be particulary unpleasant towards them. But if one gets run over by a car I’ll just think ‘buy a new one’ (I would even be glad if that old cat gets run over, he’s insane, sometimes just attacks you while you are sleeping). I do not ‘love’ my family, why would I? They’re not the most fun people I’ve ever met. Just because they share some genes? Please, genes are nothing but a few chromosomes, made up from a chemical called ‘DNA’ (I forgot what it stands for) inside the nucleus of a cell. Why would I love people because they share a few chromosomes in their nucleuses. I do not ‘love’ my friends in any way. They’re just fun people to make stupid jokes with. I do not even ‘love’ my favourite drink as I could do perfectly fine without it. Now I think of it, there might be a thing I ‘love’. Just one thing. I LOVE to self-harm. Call me sick, call me emo, but that’s the truth. Don’t like it? I  don’t care. I think it might come close to actually ‘loving’ something.

I don’t know if I could even describe the feeling taking over me whenever I only just think about it. A taste for danger, a desire for pleasure, a sort of searing sensation in my vascular system. Like my blood turns into firy lava. An electric sensation located somewhere above my eyebrows. Hearing going dull. And some other feelings. I guess this is relatively close to what most humans feel whenever they feel love of any kind. You know, I’ve been playing with this idea for a while now. What if I put my blade in the freezer for a while before cutting? I know it’s not even really possible because my parents will notice when I put anything in the freezer. But I’m curious what it would feel like. Maybe I should take it with me on a walk and let it cool down in the snow or something. See what it feels like. I’d be afraid of anyone noticing so I’m probably never going to do that, but the idea is quite interesing, anyone here tried it before? I could try heating it up as well, but I’d probably just drop it because it’s so hot. Also I’d be afraid of damaging it. Oh well, enough ranting… Bye people.