I keep a very brave face on. I’m an easy-going person, and most people take me for what they see. Someone who is generally happy, who knows who they are and accepts everything they are as well. And for the times they see me, that’s generally true. The more people I’m around, the more confident I tend to be. The biggest problems they think I have is a lack of sleep, and I put a lot of effort into helping them think that. Someone at work messed up, a harmless mistake, and they were talking about whether I was mad or not. Everyone immediately said no way, even my assistant manager said, “Who, Jakeke? I don’t even think he can get mad.” And I wasn’t, but that’s my face.
Calm. Collected. Confident.
And I really wish I could be that. Calm and collected I can handle, I’ve posted on here about how I handle emotions before. Basically they don’t get the best of me. I really don’t get angry. I can count the number of things I’ve done in anger over the last few years on one hand.
But confident.
That one I work hard for, because I’m not as confident as I pretend. I’m gay, and I nearly everyone who knows that knows that I’m 100% comfortable with that. I’ve even posted on here that I’m okay with being gay. And I said I get one lie on this site and that was my name. So now I’m correcting it, it’s really a half-truth. I know I’m gay and I don’t want to try to turn straight or pretend I’m straight around people. But every now and then I feel wrong about it. That I’m wrong.
I saw a picture comparing all the types of people that could have kids (drug-addicts, racists, alcoholics, etc.) but that gay people couldn’t. And then I read a comment saying: “its not right to the kid. he will never be able to say “mommy”. he will have to see two faggots together.” And it has three likes. And then right below it: “none of them should be allowed but the world we live in are cowards and want to be “politicaly correct” when faggots are faggots and dont deserve to raise children or get married!!!!!!”
And I had to stop looking at the computer. I curled in a ball and thought about who I am and that there’s all these people who say I’m wrong. And they might be right.
I notice it even when I’m not reading hate speech. There’s certain times where I can say I’m gay and its no big deal, I can say it and feel just fine. And then there are other times where, even if its an identical situation, it catches in my throat and I can’t say it. Only bout five people at work know I’m gay. And I work at a large retailer where I see upwards of forty employees I all know by name in one day. Because I can’t say it. I’ve been there a year and a half, and its still so hard to say.
I thought I had squashed all these feelings in high school, that I was finally fine with who I am. But there are times where I’m not okay with who I am. I feel I have to hide and keep all those things hidden. And I put up this confident face for everyone who already knows I’m gay, but I’m not that confident. I’m not that strong.
5 comments
me too,.. my parents dont look at me the same and ii feel like iim leesss compared to any other girls, it seeemslike they are disgusted by me,….
To say that someone is wrong because of their sexual orientation is the same as saying that someone is wrong because they’ve got green eyes. Neither is done by choice and therefore the individual cannot be held responsible for it. You’re not wrong.
Audience + Anonymity = Complete Dickwad. Its simple math. I can’t read the comments to a You tube video in which a black person does anything at all with out reading racist comments. Its a sign of the times the internet gives an outlet to people who are dicks. Don’t take it personal I’d say avoid comments to anything related to homosexuality at all on the internet.
Agree with know equation. Don’t get your information from gay negative sites but gay positive sites.
If I need some genuine information on say medicine, do I go to a medicine site or a some random site where everyone is cynical and harsh?
Be careful what you you read and even More careful what you allow to be absorbed as thought, most thinking on the Internet is woeful. Lots of touch talk from weak people.
I’m a straight person but I know a number of gay people. And you know what? I just see them as people. With time so will other people.
That said, don’t let sexuality define who you are. Straight people don’t go around and say hey everyone I’m straight woo hoo. Who you love is irrelevant. Sure try get a job and live somewhere where you are accepted but at the end of the day, don’t hide either. Just be a decent person and all decent people will like you. Forget about the rest.
Stay strong.
I’ll be honest staying strong is hard- but the question is do we have a choice but to stay strong.
I’m not gay im bisexual, and no one knows. I’d be abondened my friends and family if they did. Life is cruel. There will always be opposition to gay people because they are different from the worlds view of “Normal” which is why people are afraid of them. This is simply backed up by religion which is an extreme force to it. We are what we are and we can’t so anything about it. Those people will have to suck it up and live with the fact. You cant change who you are so either they have to live with it, or they can get lost. Sure you can’t stop things that are on the internet, but you don’t have to look at that. If you can you know there’s the ‘spam’ or ‘report abuse’ symbol. Just click on that and it’ll be sorted out by moderators. You can’t do anything about oppostion but stand up to it, or ignore it. Whichever you can handle.
Say it with me if I have managed it this far then i am strong enough.
Take Care