i spoke to my therapist today. i read to her my recent journals to help me evoke emotions so i could actually talk about something. i spoke about how bad the nightmares have been getting, how the paranoia is affecting me, et cetera… and i don’t quite remember how, but we ended up on the topic of the recent violently abusive situation i was in (in august). there was something there that i hadn’t unearthed before? the anger towards my parents. allow me to provide some context: in the situation i was in, i was being blackmailed. my abuser was forcing me to do horrible things to myself so that my family wouldn’t be in danger. he was threatening to hurt my family. that’s why i submitted. i did everything in my power to ensure they would stay out of the situation, to ensure they would be safe and be left untouched. and what do i get in return? not sympathy, not a “it’s not your fault”, no. none of that. what i got in return for my self sacrifice was blame and anger and self-loathing. “you put US in danger” “you should have told US” “you’re making ME feel in danger” “you’re making ME so upset” ME, ME, ME, ME, ME! because this is about you, right? this is about YOUR feelings, isn’t it? no, no, not my feelings. not the feelings of me, the person who was the victim in this situation. not the feelings of the person who was willing to do anything to protect you, no. i let myself be the fucking sacrificial lamb in order to keep this horrible, violent man from seeing to it that they would be hurt.
“why didn’t you tell us”
BECAUSE WHEN YOU FIND OUT, THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.
WHEN YOU FIND OUT, I’M TO BLAME.
WHEN YOU FIND OUT, I’M AT FAULT.
not the abuser, oh, no. this has nothing to do with the person who committed the crime, right? it’s MY fault. it’s MY fault for being manipulated. it’s MY FAULT for being blackmailed. HE BLACKMAILED ME WITH INFORMATION THAT I NEVER PROVIDED TO HIM. HE FOUND ME ON HIS OWN.
this is why i don’t tell you things.