Each day I feel more insecure and ashamed of myself. I see my scars. I hate my scars, but I continue to cut. I regret it the next day and I get angry at myself.. and what do I do to release the anger, I cut. It’s like an on going cycle. I used to swim and play sports, but now I avoid public places.. and continue to hide who I really am. There is so much behind my fake smile.
I’m terrible at expressing my feelings in person.. I just choke up.. I feel like I will be judged or rejected. I want help, I think.. I just can’t seem to do the right thing. I’m always helping other people, making sure their feelings are happy ones. I never take care of myself first.. I’m just always down on myself.
I’ve found out that my birth mother was raped when she was eighteen and I am the product of that rape. I also found out that my mothers rapist has raped other women and is in jail. I’ve found out that most of my birth family are criminals or either dead. I never would have thought any of that. Messaging with my birth mom has been difficult and finding out all these bad things. I found out I have a younger brother who is happy and healthy. He looks just like me.
I keep my feelings bottled in, knowing that nothing positive comes out of it.. I need help with that. I don’t know how to start. It’s like impossible for me to talk and share how I am feeling. I want to be able to say ‘I’m feeling fucking miserable’ I hate bottling it all up till I cut myself. I plan on killing myself in a couple of months… there is just too much going on in my head. I feel like it’s whats best for me.
-Rachel
6 comments
Talk to a therapist. You can talk about everything
I have a social worker.. she’s been my social worker for about two years and I still can’t talk. I say to myself that the next time I meet with her, I’m going to share what is upsetting me, but it doesn’t happen. I just don’t want to be judged or rejected.
Oh really? I have a social worker too, I don’t really talk about my probs with him though. A therapist is much better for opening up to. If you can’t see a therapist just write down your thoughts or what is bothering you and focus on it that way. Nobody is going to judge you, they’re there to help. Maybe the social worker could recommend something for you (:
Okay, I’ll give it a shot. Thank you for responding. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone.
You could also go to http://www.Samaritans.org and email them if you’d like. They are free, totally confidential, professional therapists. I talk to them and they are a lot of help. If you don’t wanna do that, you can email me at farmerstrong13@hotmail.com. I’d love to talk to you. Take care.
I will try it. Thank you very much.