I wasn’t able to get to sleep last night until after three. Â And since I took a nap after I left class early today (couldn’t focus on the lecture and could barely hold back the tears), I’m not sure if I’ll get any sleep tonight. Â If only I could actually use this time to be productive, like maybe start reading the book for which I have to write an essay on for Tuesday.
If Amber were still alive, I’d be on the next fucking plane to see her. Â I’d drop everything. Â I wouldn’t care if it would set me back another semester or if it meant having to transfer again. Â If I just had the option, to go back, to live with Amber like I had wanted… I wasn’t happy back then either, but I still had some hope left.
I just want to take scissors and rip my thigh to shreds. Â But the cuts from almost three months ago are still red, and as pathetic a reason as this is, the slim hope that I might have sex again someday is helping me resist the temptation. Â I don’t need any more questionable looking scars.
1 comment
Ye…insomnia is ridiculous. (Not to distract from you) I too can’t sleep, been going to sleep anywhere between 3-7 AM. Then having to wake up for damn classes that you really rather not sit through nor deal with. And with all this time, don’t even use it productively like you said, like to read that book and write an essay…Sorry that you have to deal with all this…that not even sleep goes your way. Maybe try little bits of melatonin? And just take school step by step…
Haven’t read the rest of your posts( sorry… ), so don’t know about Amber. But I’m sorry you lost Amber…But sounds like Amber is one who cared about you too, and probably would want you to keep that hope and still strive to happy…
Sounds like some serious cuts…and while I think they do help sometimes, it’s mostly in the short term and obviously in a destructive manner…And I think be better to learn to cope, emotionally, than tearing up your thigh…I can’t say stop cutting, ’cause well then I’d be a big ol’ hypocrite…I mean I guess sex is some motivation, but I think motivation to stop because you think it’s just wrong/bad habit is good motivation(or whatever works…).
Well..wish you some luck. In school…In sleep…In stopping cutting…In everything…Hope things go well. Sorry if I made some poor assumptions or something / didn’t help…