Hn. An unprecedented complication arose and my attempt, which I was supposed to carry out last Tuesday (the 31st) has been postponed a couple of days. Argh. If the people from the halfway house I went to knew about this, they’d be all up on my arse about how ‘god made it so’ and that ‘this was the work of divine intervention’ blah blah blah. Laughable. Anyway.
I’m trying to clear this little problem as fast as I can. I absolutely CANNOT be still alive after the 20th. That’d just be cutting it close. Once I go beyond that, it’d be very hard to keep everyone in the dark and that would not be ideal, not at all. As it stands, I already have a friend who’s tried to contact me. I’m just so very annoyed over this little hiccup. Things always work better for me on impulse it seems. Whenever I actually put effort and thought into a plan, it almost always comes undone by magically appearing problems. I’m still seriously doubtful over my method of suicide, but the way I see it, if it doesn’t immediately kill me, then I would be in pain for several weeks without medical attention, and hopefully that will finish the deed.
22 comments
-.- I’m not a proLife man nor am I evil. don’t hurt yourself and end up worse off than how you are now —
Hullo. Oh, things right now are not bad, in fact they’re great! Things have never been better in my life.
Which is exactly why I must rectify that through death.
?
Question mark.
Er.
I’m not sure how to reply.
Haha, I don’t get it. So you just want to die? and you’ll just end up in the hospital ?
Lol. ‘Course not! I don’t want to end up in the hospital again, that’s why it’s vital that my attempt succeeds this time.
Oh shit. But if nothing is .. bad, why do you want to die?
Should I have a reason to die? Lol, I mean, I could list reasons like abused when I was younger, financial problems, hermitism, etc. but I guess, to put everything in the simplest words possible, all I’ve ever wanted was to die. It’s mental and illogical but it’s the best way I can put it in words.
Hrm. yea, automatically it sounds wrong to be talking about wanting death. But with all evil aside, I’ve always wanted to die haha. I mean I probably will take that route soon. I just don’t like how everyone automatically jumps away from the idea. Like their afraid, they want to hold onto this tiny life, their afraid to lose or something. I see it as we’re all a little organism, I don’t think you can do something more special with your life than the guy next to you. In my eyes you can’t really amount to anything unless you talk about helping others, that’s the only way we can grow. hrm
the’re afraid*..
screw it lol
@ Aki
There will always be new, better and more advanced computer games thus prolonging your life.
Anyway, if it got to that stage I beg you contact me. I would even give you my number and I don’t just give that to random girls.
So he’s talking about life or video games÷
I wish you wouldn’t have to do this, I wish I could stop you; I wish I could stop everyone but that seems very unrealistic and childish.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I am more than willing to be there.
I hope you do whatever you feel is right, I hope you think long and hard about it as well.
I only wish for you to find peace, and happiness. If you do, I ask that you come back for us; people like us who are still suffering, but will not end their lives in fear of what lays beyond.
Come back for us if possible and tell us if it was worth it, give us a sign.
Please take care
With much love, Mikaela.
If you wish you were dead? Good news! You absolutely will be sooner or later whether you change your mind about that or not. You will have all of eternity to be dead and that’s a long time. You only get to be here for few years. You have a chance while you are here to wade trough the crap and occasionally find a smile or a laugh or maybe even some love. But once you’re gone, you don’t know if it will be good, bad, or nothing. So, it only makes sense to use what little time you really have here, to over come the obstacles so that you can enjoy those rare moments that make it all worth being here for.
But don’t expect happiness or good things to fall in your lap. Life is not a cartoon fairytale. You have to make an effort everyday to get around or get rid of the negative things, and you have to make an effort every day to bring good things into your life. It takes time and patience.
And if it doesn’t work out…you’ll be dead eventually anyway, so what do you have to loose?
I meant to add…acting on impulse, in anything in life…is almost always foolish. I was suicidal since I was a kid. But at a young age I promised myself that if I was ever going to take my life that I would do it completely sober and only after thinking about it for a day or two when I was sober.
My brother acted impulsively. He grabbed that rope, tied it around his neck and jumped off the ladder. all because he didn’t want to sop drinking or go get a job. He hung there for two weeks before they found him. It didn’t break his neck so he hung there brain dead and suffocating in his own blood, probably for days before he died..
Acting impulsively when it comes to suicide…is just plain stupid!
Don’t do it!
I need no reminder that I’m going to be dead eventually, no matter what I do. That’s one of the first lessons I was ever taught in my life. It’s something I have witnessed over and over again personally. It doesn’t matter if you’re the epitome of good health and kindness, one mishap can destroy all your hopes and dreams. It doesn’t matter if you’re a drunk old man who can only think about sex and booze and one day finds out he has stage 4 liver cirrhosis. It doesn’t matter if you’re a six year old boy playing with your friends when suddenly a school bus hits you and you’re brains are sprawled out on the pavement and your mother is still at the gambling house. None of what you do matters because the reality is you’re dead. So with that in mind, why bother?
I used to care. I used to think, no matter how hard it was, that I could turn things around just as long as I worked hard, asked for help when I needed it and I had my friends with me. But the sad reality is, even if you have all of that, if life wants to continue being a *****, it will. I could die tomorrow from a sudden gas leak in my flat, or I could succeed with my suicide attempt, or I could end up living and dying a natural death. Point is, I’d rather die sooner than later. I’m sure that if I continue on, life will surprise me, maybe even favour me even more than it has presently been doing, but the thing is, I’m tired. I’m tired of having to fight through every little thing just to have some sort of semblance of peace. In the simplest terms possible, I give up. Life could be so much better, but I’m neither patient nor willing to work for it any more. Happiness isn’t suited for me, that’s what I’ve come to realize. Sure I like it in small doses within an interval, but not prolonged.
I’m ranting now, lol. Oh, and reminder (since there are new peeps) I don’t come to this site because I secretly want to be deterred or whatever, it’s just that this is the only place I can have some human contact with that’s not the delivery man, lol. So, please, I know some of you will continue to say it, but don’t expect that anything will change.
I think that way too. There was a post that a commented on where I considered the possibility of eventual nothingness. I can’t re-write it as it’s too long and too late. What if we are wrong?
Why can’t we just enjoy life for now and worry about that stuff later. Even if you are right, what you are saying is still illogical. Whatever happens your conclusion may render life meaningless. Why not live first on the premise that we have gone to all of the trouble of existing in the first place and there may be something out there that you have not envisaged.
PS did you get my email?
I know exactly what you mean, and many times I had exactly the views you do. Your right, we’re all gonna die anyway so why get out of bed each day. Why not just suck on a pistol now instead of dealing with the years ahead.
I’m not trying to talk you out of anything, only trying to give you a better view point. Or help you see what you probably already know.
I think someone here mentioned video games? They are right. the trick is to keep the mind occupied when the depression is the worst, and video games, or reading a book are great for that. I know, you’ll say ‘but I don’t want to fight the depression’. I use to tell people that I didn’t try to fight my depression and instead I liked to take it out and play with it from time to time.
But then I grew up a little. And I did learn to deal with it better by stopping my thoughts when they take me too far into depressing thoughts. Why sit there and be depressed, when all I have to do is change my thought to improve things a little.
I should say, I don’t believe in asking for ‘help’ unless you are seriously one step away from the nut house. In my opinion a lot of people involved in the mental health business are either out to make a buck, or nuts themselves. Unless you know a good one who understands life and people, and not just the text book they read to graduate…I would avoid that path. They’ll just drug you and that will make it harder to make good decisions.
All most people need to do is use a little common sense and put up a fight or make an effort to control their thoughts and emotions. You sound smart enough to be able to do that if you choose to. And it is a choice, we can decide to hell with everything, or we can decide to make an effort to improve things. The choice is in our own hands.
I understand your feeling of ‘why bother?’. My answer is…because you have no clue what will happen tomorrow. Could be good, or it could be bad. A few years ago I married a Russian girl whose father is a famous scientist. I flew to Paris and London to me him. I never could have imagined such a thing happening to me. I didn’t like Russians and I hated airplanes.
But it was awesome! In my opinion, it is worth having to go through 10 shitty things for every one good thing that happens, because those good things really do make it all worth the effort…I hope you’ll see that.
Thanks for the replies eguys, they really have been fun and worthwhile.
@Duke Hey dood, didn’t get your mail 😛
@Whisper It’s funny how you mentioned the mental health business. Barely a little over a year ago I was working on getting my Psychology degree (with plans to advance to a PhD) and preparing for med school to be a neurosurg. That was the first instance in my life where things had finally started looking up. I didn’t have to beg for money from strangers any more since my friends “found” me again and decided to offer a lending hand (in more ways than one I should say). It was also the first time in a long time that I could say that I had a “family” since my dad died and left me with a thieving whore (who subsequently disappeared after getting her grubby hands on the dough). It was so nice to feel normal again. To know that I was where I was supposed to be in life. The future had never looked so beautiful as it did then.
Then one day, I woke up. I went to my classes, told my friends to leave me alone and that I no longer wanted to have any sort of relationship other than what was necessary. I started skipping all my classes, opting to sleep in and avoid all the people who started questioning my weird behaviour. Then people found the rat poison and the insecticide and muriatic acid and they started to pester me. And thus, in one act of stupidity, I single handedly destroyed that bright future by sticking a syringe full of household insecticide in my arm.
Suffice to say, I was hospitalized, prodded and poked (physically and mentally) and let out a few months later. A childhood friend and her family graciously offered to let me live with them. It seemed that all had not yet been lost after all. They fed me, clothed me, sheltered me, and treated me as one of their own. I was experiencing the life that I had lost years prior. I reunited with my friends and they understood and forgave me easily, knowing what I have been through.
Then, I did it again. Of course, I put much more thought into it this time, which basically meant more insecticide and injected properly into the vein this time. Well, of course, it failed because I was found out yet again and was carted back to the ICU, almost losing my arm in the process. Fast forward six months later and I finally have control over my arm again, albeit I still can’t feel two and a half of my fingers, have a ball of flesh which I have to call a palm and a nice textured arm to boot. Managed to sweet talk my docs to let me go to a halfway house, which I spent three weeks in, before I left because their religious bull shit was seriously too much.
And then, I told everyone that I was going to London because I wanted to get in touch with the other side of me and because I argued that as long as there was someone there to back me up, I would never be able to get past my suicidal tendencies and proposed I go to a place where I knew no one, and could not get immediate help, so as to allow me to learn to cope in my own way. After all, once you’ve hit rock bottom, there’s no other way but to go up right?
LOL.
I could have had everything. Hell, I still can have everything. That is not my arrogance, but merely a fact. I know that even with this hole I’ve dug myself into, I can still get out if I really tried. But the thing is, I don’t want to. This is the reason why I wrote that whole block of text up there (sorry, I tend to rant). In all three of those positive scenarios, I was happy, content, and had a gleaming future, which I then started to break down. I came here to London not because I wanted a new beginning, it was because location wise, this is the best place I could possibly die. I’m halfway around the world from anyone I ever know, and thus cannot be reached when I do something. I just honestly have an aversion to lasting happiness (blame the childhood).
Tomorrow, a game that I may have been waiting for may be released and I’ll be happy and play and be distracted and what not. But that doesn’t change the fact that once I close my console and decide to head for sleep, I will inadvertently go back to my thoughts of death. When I wake up, I will still have the same feelings of anger and disappointment that I didn’t die during my sleep. Then I will go back to playing my game and then once I finish it, the temporary distraction will have gone and more anger will surface. “Why didn’t I use the time I had for gaming to try to kill myself instead?” No one knows what the future holds, and that’s part of it’s appeal. Unfortunately, it’s not enough to appeal to me any more.
Gawd that suiside method sounds terrable sounds like youvesuffered enough mate i hope talking with us eases your inner tumoil. Sounds like youre in a bad place i hope you find a way forward….