The below only applies to me and me only and not to others. I’m neither amazing nor special. Nothing I have done would not or could not be done by another human elsewhere. I am just a random collection of microscopic particles that happen to converge in what our species perceives as life.
 Any depression or other mental issue was just a fluctuation in my brain chemistry. Made all the worse by me having expectations and attempting to find meaning in life when the only meaning that exists is the arbitrary and subjective meaning I choose to put on and in it. Which technically speaking amounts to my base survival instinct rearranging my brain chemistry so I can cling to survival and reproduce thereby continuing my genetic lineage.
And for most of my life I was okay with giving in to these things because that is the way I was trained as a child. But experiencing life and throwing off as many outside influences as I consciously can I have come to the conclusion that my death is nothing special outside of the entropy of anything else that is alive according to our definition.
Yes it will end pleasure but it will also end pain and tedium. And since there are no guarantees and despite my best efforts I have failed to achieve what I desire and can not stop any more untoward events from happening to me, my soon to arrive death makes the most sense.
As well as death preventing me from having to experience the further deterioration of my physical body despite any preservation techniques I am able to do. Genetics and nanotechnology are not yet at a point to reverse and retard aging and will not be probably in my lifetime so that is another logical reason to end things.
And since I have found a more easily accessible method than my previous one it allows me the freedom to go when I choose. I still hope I can stay around for my six-nine months of ‘retirement’ before I go, but that is not set in stone. It just would be nice to spend every day doing what I want for the first time in my life without academia or a wage earning occupation getting in the way.
I guess I am a bit fascinated with death and it is so inviting that I cannot help but talk about it. As well as the fact that there is nobody offline who I can confide in about my impending death ot my philosophy in general.
Being an atheist/agnostic/secular humanist,  libertarian/liberal/anarchist/communist/socialist/conservative/independent person who feels all philosophers were constructive but none completely who lives in the bible belt leaces one a bit isolated. Which is fine but then when others want to converse I am rarely able to voice my point without an argument starting.
This allows me to get out years of communication.
As always to those who have even a molecule of desire to live, get help and keep fighting. To those who are in a similar situation to me, I wish you a painless journey to peace.
3 comments
I like how you speak about these things. Seems as if you go deeper than I ever could, or anyone I’ve seen here. You seem pretty interesting too. Why are you so down though?
MadeToFade
Not down at all.
Just really see no reason to continue my random existence.
I’ve come full circle.
There is no meaning and honestly putting any into life will still not have the results I prefer.
Nor will changing perspective.
So when one tires of the day one sleeps.
When one tires of life one dies.
One of my flaws is unreasonable desires… ergo Camus’ absurdism… but I am loathe to realease them because less just gives me contentment and gratefulness and that is not enough to keep going.
my parents never taught me to be distrustful of people, which imo is a must to survive in this fucked up world
they taught me to be kind and helpful to others, which is similar to having ‘please take advantage of me’ written on your forehead
fuck my upbringing .. fuck the world