I’ve been cutting for ten years, but I never cut with a razor. Â I’ve cut with everything else from knives to staples. Â Tonight I couldn’t help myself. Â I don’t want to disappoint anyone, especially distant.road because you have been sooo wonderful and helpful. Â I hate when I do things that make others lose faith in me, so I hope this hasn’t. Â I unscrewed a pencil sharpener with a brand new blade in it and was startled by how quickly you bleed with razors. Â I need to throw it away but it is just laying on the windowsill next to my bed. Â I can’t get myself to throw it away or even hide it, I’m so mesmerized by it. Â Please don’t be disappointed in me. Â I’m scared.
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I’m not disappointed in you, sparkeyes… Not at all. I understand that life is challenging… and sometimes you need to do something at a given moment in order to make it to the next moment. I definitely haven’t lost faith in you. No chance of that.
It’s probably a good idea to move it further away from you so it’s not so close. Is there something on your mind that is stressing you? Anything you’d like to talk about? I know the road can get rough… Sometimes it helps to air what’s on your mind. I know you have hopes and dreams (keep them!)… What else are you thinking about?
I get in a way where I can’t stop. I can’t get it away from me. After I start there is no way to put it down. I took it with me to the train station and cut in the bathroom. I took it with me to college and cut in the dorm room. It’s a crazy situation where a scratch can lead to so much more. In finding this site I was looking at all these horrible suicide pictures and getting ideas that I couldn’t get out of my head and now I see them in cutting form and it is hard not to emulate those images onto myself. I don’t know if I’m a good enough liar to hide this. Such a mistake. But I was stressed out doing my homework and I was compulsively scratching myself with my nails, and then I saw the pencil sharpener and that was it. I’m really not doing a good job of making sure I stay out of the hospital. My friend is visiting this weekend. It would mean the world to me to see her rather than go to the hospital Friday. I think that is a stressor too, the impending possibility of hospitalization. And school is stressful because I keep thinking about the insurance laws and how I have to be done and with a job by 26 if I want health insurance. I’m 23 and still have a bit of a ways to go. I feel like everything is so impossible.
That gives you three years to graduate, secure a job, and acquire insurance. Although it seems like a small amount of time, it gives you quite a bit of room to strategize and get done what you need to. You have a long-term plan and you know what you need to do. Those are assets. It gives you a foundation to build from.
With your friend coming, it should be a really nice weekend. Friday is coming pretty quickly… and if you can stay the course for just a little bit longer, she’ll be here. Sometimes setting short-short-short-term goals is the way we can move forward. Not everything has to be long-term planning… We can shorten the time frames as needed. It gives us a sense of accomplishment and lets us be productive.
If your homework is stressing you out to the point of cutting, are there things you can do to reduce that stress? Can you call your peers? Can you call your professor? Can you check your notes or research online? Maybe if the stress of homework was reduced a bit, it would be a little easier on you.
Sometimes when I get really stressed, I put whatever I’m doing aside and go for a walk… possibly a long walk… with some headphones on… just to get away for a bit. Or I’ll grab a bite to eat… If I’m really annoyed, I’ll stop it and work on something completely different until I can get the information I need.
Don’t give up… You have accomplished so much… and you’re in college… ready to move on to the next chapter in life with a career. The transition will require a lot of work. You can do it.
I don’t know why my work makes me do that. It’s like I’m sitting there and the next second i am scratching my skin off. I got like this about year and a half ago. I knew I could get through the semester, but I couldn’t do it without cutting. I ended up having a pretty bad looking arm and lost the semester to the hospital anyway. The scars have so many awful memories that just make me want to do it all over again, or just makes me really depressed.
My dad is badgering me about health insurance all the time and it is driving me crazy and making me nervous alll the time, thinking about my life without health insurance and what that would mean. I can’t function without my meds and I can’t make thousands of dollars a month to pay full price.
I am so glad my friend is coming to visit. I am really hoping for that day to come. She knows what I am going through and is coming to spend like 4 days helping me out and spending time together. It’s extra nice because I haven’t seen her in ages because she goes to my old school in Maryland.
I can’t stop thinking about suicide all the time. Whenever we have to write something for class, it turns into suicide. I can’t share it and I have to re-write it and I leave to go to the bathroom to cut. I’m really losing it and I am trying really hard to hold on.
I tried the walk thing and ended up curling up in a ditch under a bridge hoping to disappear. I really appreciate the suggestion though, really, but I think I need to come up with another way.
The only way I know of is to bookbind. I have been bookbinding for like 6 years and it is what I love to do more than anything, but I have no where to do it on this campus. All my books are at my old school sitting in the studio.
I understand the pressure about health insurance… and I think you should do what you need to to maintain it. Knowing that you have three years to work with gives you the benefit of time. You can pace things so that you take care of yourself, finish your studies, and find that position. You’re on the right track… I know that it worries you. Try not to let it paralyze you. That will work against you. I know that’s easier said than done.
I think spending those four days with your friend will be really beneficial… and I hope you get out and spend a lot of time together. I lived in northern Maryland for a few years… It was close to everything. DC was right down 95… and we’d take road trips into rural areas of western Maryland and West Virginia. Ocean City was a lot of fun… but PACKED.
Are there activities that you can join involving others? Maybe there are clubs or organizations? Community service groups? Perhaps if you keep yourself focused, you can minimize the time that your mind spends on suicide thoughts. I have never bookbinded but I’m going to look online so I can see what it’s like.
When you re-write those papers for class, what do you write about? Is it about things you enjoy, other thoughts?
I know it’s hard for you… and you’re doing the best you can. Don’t stop trying.
I don’t really have much of a social life. It’s not the reason for all this but it doesn’t help. Every one of my friends are either graduated or go to my old school 2 hours away. I’m at a new school now and no one wants to be my friend. I’m pretty lonely. I’ve kinda learned to do my own thing, but the other problem is I don’t have a support system either. So when I really need help the only people I can reach out to can just help over the phone. I am part of clubs and organizations, but somehow it hasn’t brought any real friends out of it. Now that I am commuting it’s even harder. The group I hung out with for a while were wild a ruckus and it isn’t my style. And they were just there for the good times. I tried calling one of them when I was trying not to overdose and she didn’t pick up, which is fine it was the middle of the night, and didn’t even ask if I was okay the next day after hearing my message. That’s not what friends do. I might sound selfish, but it really did hurt me. Needless to say I am not hanging out with them anymore.
I understand what it can feel like to be on your island… Like you said, it doesn’t create the situation.. In my experience, it added to the challenges. I did a lot of tagging along… and would force myself to the library or other public places so that I could keep my mind busy and, in the case of the library, focused on studying. I got an on-campus job that put me in front of a lot of people… in the process, I forced myself to not be so secluded. I know you said that you’re commuting… but are there part-time jobs you can start to keep you out and about when classes aren’t happening? Can you study in public places? Can you reduce the amount of time that you’re all by yourself? I’m not saying to give yourself zero private time… That’s unhealthy… I guess what I’m suggesting is to reduce the amount of time that could lead to self-harming activities. If you’re spiritual, perhaps fellowship activities… If you like the outdoors, perhaps volunteer at a park… If you like books, volunteer at the library. Stuff like that.
Learn to adapt and stick to a routine. Get lost in your books and you will find that your study will become a lot easier.