What Now?

I am really glad I found this site.

I found out while researching the best way to off myself.

I’m only 22 and one and a half months away from being the first one in my family to graduate from college. My parents and family are so proud of me. How can I take this away from them?

I am always thinking of others before myself. That’s why I’m at these crossroads.

A nearly 6 year on and off relationship with the guy I KNOW is the love of my life. I was 16 when I met him.

I hear you saying I can find another guy, I’m young, live my life, etc. But this guy was here for me when my parents kicked me out and put me on the street. Gave me my first car, put me in my first apartment taught me how to love, taught me how to live.

But then when I was 18, I cheated. I broke his heart. But he stayed. He stayed and I still beat myself up for hurting the man who taught me how to love. Fast forward 3-4 years later…we never stopped talking, never lost contact. Gave each other space to heal, but love brought us back to each other. So I thought.

Then he joined a frat. Started dating other people. Started having sex with other women….while saying he still loves me. Says he still loves me, just doesn’t want to be with me “right now”. But I STILL love him and he says he STILL loves me and I keep holding on to hope. If this hope dies, so do I. I NEVER slept with anyone else after the mistake I made 4 years ago. Didn’t date anyone.

Things were going well. We brought in new year’s together. We  talked and hung out. He said I was such a joy to be around. I thought we were making progress.

Then this past weekend my calls and texts went ignored. When I saw him, he said he “lost his phone”.

Then mutual friends started deleting me off of social networking sites.

Then I found out he didn’t really lose anything. Something has happened and I don’t know what. He won’t answer my calls (the phone RINGS when I call) or texts. The last time he shut me out, his so called best friend was lying on me to him and lying on him to me. But guess what…he believed HER over me. He shut me out without even talking to me and when he finally did, he was the one apologizing….but he still kept this girl as a friend as often says he “loves” her on Facebook.

So now I sit wondering what I could have done to cause such erratic behavior. I have a HUGE problem with rejection. All I have been doing the past 3 years is try to prove that I love him and want to be with him, but it’s not enough.

Growing up, my parents often beat me and told me how I was adopted. My mother often called me ugly, stupid, ad even referred to me as my father’s *****.

This guy rescued me from that. He was the one who loved me when nobody else did. How can he desert me this way? Why can’t he just tell me what’s bothering him instead of lying to my face? I’m not good at putting my thoughts to words so this probably seems like a dumb reason to contemplate. But if I lose him, I will have NOTHING left. That’s how I feel. My heart is in a million pieces.

I sit here typing and looking at my phone, hoping he will call or text. But the love I have for him isn’t good enough I guess. And that crushes me.

I have lost many friends over the past few years. They say I am too needy or clingy. I’m just a burden to everyone around me.

I just feel so helpless and lost. I’m better off dying. Then I won’t hurt anyone again. And I won’t hurt again. I will just be a distant memory. Why is my life so valuable? Can you tell me that?