to tolerate being here
a) I have a friend whose father committed suicide when she was 6 .. I’m like a big brother and father figure to her:
if I were to kill myself, I feel like that would have very negative effects on her .. she could become very lost, hopeless, bitter, self-sabotaging etc
b) I had a 3-4 year break from depression when I was 18 .. what I learned then is that life is mostly unpredictable
c) I’m determined to replace apathy, despair and helplessness with inner joy and curiosity before dying
d)Â some people, by acting out of selfishness, fear, spitefulness etc drove me to become the person I am now ..
I simply refuse to give them the power of leading me to kill myself .. I want them to feel stupid, even delusional for trying
e) even if there’s only a 10% probability of enjoying being alive in the future, I’m willing to go for that
f) I won’t give in to my death wish as long as I have some ‘fighting energy’ left
hopefully I’ll remember to read this when I’m really down
16 comments
Save this post into a file… Print it out… E-mail it to your mobile… Just make it convenient to find. When you’re in your darkest moments, it may be helpful to have this post. I’m glad you’re finding reasons… Please keep them close.
hi distant ..
my old ass mobile can only read texts & some images .. it’s solid though
I guess I’ll have to have internet access in my surroundings 😀
I don’t know why, but this made me really happy. It’s nice seeing a positive post on here. I respect that you’re able to look past all the awful things and see what’s really important. xoxo C:
Hey,
If you can text I posted up on here. Swing me a message.
I’m with you on making them feel stupid for trying to make us give up. Right now I just don’t want to give them the satisfaction.
@ LLLB: I’m truly glad it made you happy
@ emptiness7: I can only hope you’ll hang in there, these idiots called normal people seem to enjoy taking abuse to the next level
what I despise a lot more than genuine, hardcore abusers (= those who may see nothing wrong with their behavior) are idiots who’ll jump on the bullying bandwagon because they’re too scared to say: “I believe what you’re all doing is cruel and disgusting, I’m not taking part in this” ; too scared of voicing how they truly feel about the situation
also, I’ve decided to give myself till the last day of april to find more solid, concrete reasons to stay here
if I haven’t found at least 2 reasons that are more anchored in collective reality (aka real life) by then, then I’ll leave knowing I truly did my best
I feel like all the efforts are about diminishing your guilt
My reasons are dumb but they’re giving me that tiny bit of energy. Right now I just want to read the next book in my favorite series and it doesn’t come out until May. After I’m done with that book…..I have to find something else I guess. I can’t seem to find big metaphysical reasons so I guess if that’s what it takes….
@emptiness (continued): this world is ruled by stupidity .. people don’t know the 1/5 of what you’ve been or are going through, yet to rip your soul apart doesn’t seem to bother them
I hope you’ll consider going overseas (I think it was you) before taking that drastic measure .. not that you’d necessarily gain sthg from that, but still .. whatever it takes to have little to zero regrets
*posted this before reading your last input*
Yeah they don’t care how little they know or how much damage they do. I’ve always been afraid of people. I trust and care so easily but I get broken over and over. So there has always been a paranoia and I never really connect. I let go recently and was kind to someone who was kind in return. It was nothing romantic-just a nice and pleasant bit of peace in a world of chaos. But that wasn’t enough for people and they had to ruin it. And now the severity of the damage is irreparable and I am not allowed to see or speak to the person. So it hurts like hell. And the worst is I just keep being scared he believes the lies, that he hates me too. I just need to know that there was something real in the kindness before it was ripped away.
And I do go overseas. I wish the economy wasn’t so bad and that immigration there was easier because I really feel like being somewhere else would solve a lot. I know it wouldn’t stop the pain completely but I need to get away from these people.
I hear you ..
I had to leave a toxic environment (college) to find a bit of relief
while a lot of people could regret dropping out, I’m utterly convinced it was one the best decisions I ever made .. but I’ve also realised I’ve developed a certain fear of humans, especially in groups, knowing how inconsiderate & brainless they can be ..
to allow someone to be partially responsible for my well-being is no longer an option .. better not to give anyone the opportunity to inflict a little more damage
I’ve always had social anxiety. This isn’t helping at all. I care about people so much but mainly in theory because when I try connecting on a deeper level they generally betray me.
I loved someone once, they left me in this dark place, alone. My best friend commited suicide. Nobody knew, he just did it. No notes, no nothing, just an empty hole for the people left behind trying to understand what he had done. He looked after me during the times when i was so wreckless, treat me like a human being when everyone else distanced themselves. Didnt let anyone hurt me, but then he did precisely what he was protecting me from. Guess i stopped trusting people after that, suspicious.. Never letting people get close, encasing myself in stone. I have recently figured out that nobody can fix me, because i am not broken, this is me, i am who i am and i have accepted this and my fate.
I am glad to hear you still have some fight left, like me, we can keep going at least for a while.. Taking it a day at a time. We cannot let those who belittle us and put us down win.
“I have recently figured out that nobody can fix me, because i am not broken, this is me, i am who i am and i have accepted this and my fate.”
no amount of nurturing, patience, professional help etc could fix me
I’d rather embrace the person I’ve become instead of struggling to become the person I’m implicity expected to become: an obedient citizen that won’t stand up for his integrity while society keeps tearing him a bigger hole .. smfh
I should start living on the streets since I don’t intend to be stolen the majority of my time just to earn a living
I always thought i was broken, there was something wrong with me because i didnt think like societycwants me to, the fact i dont fit in, the fact i am different… The fact i have spent quite some time in hospitals, in talking therapies and taking meds. None of it worked and i was still classed as “broken” People were still trying to fix me.
I am not broken so there is nothing to fix. I do take meds every day, they dont really help but i take them regardless. I can think a little bit clearer but this has helped me accept my fate.