Yesterday I got my living will in order. Cashed in all of my investments and assets. Paid off all my major bills up until the date of my demise. Still have to buy food and sundries though. As well as going to quite a few events and purchasing a lot of anime and asian horror to watch up until the day. Sent off my contributions to the local children’s hospitals. May go and visit again the week before I go.
For once I am at peace.
No more pain and prescription side effects. from the mental meds and the physical meds. Strange how even living a healthy lifestyle cannot stop certain diseases… genetic predisposition and all.Â
No more self hate, confusion, overcompensation, and depression from the abuse.Â
No more worrying about getting laid off and mistreated at my job or losing my home and being homeless again.
No more having to be used and betrayed by family and so-called friends.
No more feeling bad seeing other people endure suffering and pain.
Course some would say no more enjoyable things either but since the enjoyment time versus the tedious/pain/unwanted experience time is about 30% to 70% respectively the trade off is far from even.
The single saving grace about my job is the abundance of vacation days. Which means three day workweeks in a couple of months followed by three full weeks of vacation where I will not be coming back to work and will be ending my life.
To all who want to live, believe what you have to to keep hope and meaning alive.  Whether it is religion, philosophy, spirituality, karma, your family, your friends, ideals, whatever. Because convincing oneself that one has a reason is the only way… unless you are of the absurdist school of thinking, lolz.
And to my dear Nat… if they do come up with ways to fix things without side effects and harm, please accept the improvements. There is a star shining inside of you.
6 comments
I love you. I don’t know you, but please keep fighting. Don’t let the ‘so-called friends’ win. Don’t let them tell you not to feel pain and suffering. I feel venom when people want to cheer me up. They don’t know, and if they won’t know how pain feels, then they lose; but you don’t lose.
I want you to live because I feel close to you. This post is all you will know of me, but know that your painful, painful existence is important to me, and dear Nat, and every other soul at wit’s end. Our little company pains and suffers, and I like us, you, better that way.
Have you considered a living trust? It would avoid the hassle of probate court proceedings. And can I ask how long you’ve been preparing?
Best wishes on your journey for peace…
@Good_Guy_KC
Thank you.
But my journey is over. When I was suicidal in my younger years, I still had a possible decent future of possibilities ahead. Now that I am older, aging just makes everything worse. So it is time now.
Do me a favor, you guys take care of Nat for me.
@Liger
Never have trusted the legal or corporate systems.
All of it is in cash and stashed at my mother’s house and its location will be revealed to her in my letter with instructions to burn the letter so they will have no proof it was a suiciide.
That way my multiple policies will allow mom to retire early.
I have been preparing all my life. But for this one about 2 years.
Will be quitting the job in a few weeks to go decadent for a few months until the end.
@SadWingsofDestiny
Thank you very much for the kind words.
U.N Owen… I can’t believe you! metioning me in such a sweet way… I want you to take care of me, don’t leave, please… You need to stick around and watch my star grow and become brighter than any another star in the sky… I need you, to accept these approvements and tell me that it’s safe and they will make everything better…
@Nat
When you replied to one of my posts in such a touching fashion, well I am a big softie despite some of my less emotional traits.
I cannot make any promises, but I’ll try.