and things have not gotten better. they’ve gotten worse. a lot worse. i was going to take my life. but decided not to for right now. there has been just too much death around the people i love. and i don’t want to hurt the one person i love the most, my best friend. i feel like i let her down so much, i feel like she should hate me. i don’t deserve to be loved by anyone.
also, my life isn’t going anywhere. i have gotten arrested too many times, and now i have to take a drug test for 3 months. if i don’t pass, which i highly think i won’t pass. now i’m on codeine. and i love it. i think i have found my drug. i want more and more. last night i took like 6 pills in less than a few hours. after i smoked a cigarette, i couldn’t walk so i had to crawl to my bed haha. but i love how it makes me feel. like i have no feeling in my body. its so much easier to talk to people and to listen. it makes me calm. right now i have 6 pills in me. i took the first two a few hours ago. then two more like an hour later, and just a few minutes ago another two. i want to keep on taking them. i feel numb. i feel less like me. i feel better. i can sleep better. just everything feels better. i don’t feel like i need to cry. or do anything really. i can just sit on my bed or in the living room, high and numb. i miss my best friend though. she’s mad at me. yesterday we were supposed to color eggs with her grandmother. but i went home before and i wasn’t able to leave again. and now she thinks i ditched her. which i didn’t want to do. i didn’t even want to stay home. and now i feel like i’ve lost my best friend just because i had to go home. i feel horrible. i don’t even know what to say to her. i feel like i’m a piece of shit. i just want to die. i don’t deserve to live. so yeah. i don’t know what to do anymore. i should just kill myself and be done and not bother people anymore. that would be so much better for everyone in the world. its not like anyone would really miss me. i’ve never done anything great or will ever do anything great.
3 comments
I too feel like no one would miss me, but it’s not true.
You don’t have to do anything great.
I haven’t and i’m sure that i won’t.
You say you have a best friend who actually makes plans with you.
Sure sometimes you let her down and yeah she’ll get upset, but she’s your friend.
If you took your life, she would miss you.
Trust me.
My closest friend who was like a sister to me took her life weeks after we had gotten into a huge fight.
I miss her so much, i don’t know what she was going through because there was no suicide letter.
There was no goodbye.
But i remember our fight, and i remember telling her that we basically weren’t friends anymore.
I was her closest friend.
She probably thought how you’re thinking.
I’m not saying don’t take your life.
That would be wrong of me to tell you to stay in depression, i know what depression is like.
I really hope you get better.
Talk to your friend and tell her what you’re going through.
Don’t go through this alone.
Codeine!Put It In a sweet and you’ll feel qreat!Damn now I want some!I’d miss you!Come on your on the SP,you qotta family now!:)
i love codeine now. i found a friend in it. i love the feeling. and i want more and more and never stop taking it. i felt sick because i ran out 🙁