I never saw the point in living. I had nothing to live for. But I faked a smile for the people who cared. One day, this boy walked into my life. We’ve been together for a little while, I told him who I was, he pushed me away. But he came back, because he understood. He knew he made a mistake. I think I love him. And I know he loves me. He gives me meaning. He’s been helping me find reasons to live. To WANT to live. He makes me…happy. Takes away all of the sadness. It’s nice. I haven’t felt this way in years. There’s something special about him. He knows all about my suicide fantasies. And he STILL loves me. How do I know? Because I haven’t even kissed him, because he respects me. I know I’m young. But I have a lot that goes on. He makes me want to have kids, and get married. Just recently he was telling me about what he wants to do. He wants to serve military. And he knows I’m moving away when I get older. He says he wants to be with me all of his life. But I probably won’t even know where he is. He’s going to be with a different girl. And have kids. I’ll be alone. Again. So if this is all I have of him. What do I have to hold on too anymore? Shouldn’t I just end it? I’m trying not to give up. But he is the reason that I’m typing this right now. He’s the reason I don’t have to cry myself to sleep. With him gone. What am I holding on to? Nothing. Maybe it’s just time for me to let go.
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14 comments
There is no reason why you cannot stay together. If you love each other then that will override all other considerations. Even if he joins the military he will only be away for limited times. Trust that life just might work out ok. Give it a chance, don’t let fear win.
He wants to go out to war. And fight. And I don’t even know that he wants to spend his future with me.
I was that boy once. I cared about a girl more than anything, she was my reason for living. I was also very naive. I joined the military. Biggest mistake of my life. I lost her and it has been hell ever since. I still have hope that one day I will find her again and we can start over. If I were you, tell him my story, tell him the military will change 90% of the people that join, usually for the worse. Even if they finish their enlistment, they are never the same. The only thing I took out of the military was that it was an eye opener as to who people really are and our standards. I wish you luck. Tell him if he is dead set on joining, join the coast guard.
He doesn’t know this is how I feel. Maybe I should just end myself. Give him something to fight for.
I’m really glad you were able to find him and that he makes you happy, and that he respects you. Sounds like a good guy. I think abuse survivor is right, that there is no reason you cannot stay together. I hope that love would still keep you together and over power the distance while he’s away. Give it a chance. I think elpaya’s experience does show what could happen and maybe you should tell the guy this… Also, how much more time would you have with him before the military? Because time can change you, and if you do eventually make it clear that your afraid of losing him that maybe he’d stay with you.
Even if it doesn’t work out how you’d like, doesn’t this show there is potential? That maybe there are other guys who can make you feel like this? I hope it doesn’t end that way, but I just thought I’d point that out.
I hope you can eventually tell him how you feel, maybe not all of a sudden tell him. But I don’t think dying would help him fight and you don’t even give it a chance to work…
I’m trying not to give up.
I know exactly how you feel…today sounds like a good day to die
It sounds like a fucking great day to die.
Exactly.
I can’t do this anymore.
Love can feel great but I would never advise looking to another person for happiness, reasons to live, etc. Look at how many people end up suicidal when they get dumped, because they gave their partner too much responsibility for keeping them alive. We need to find reasons to be happy and reasons to want to live on our own, only then can we share a life with someone else and be happy together. Depending on other people for these things leads to toxic relationships where the people have way too much power over us. If you make someone your only reason for being happy and staying alive, and some day life pulls you two apart, or the person decides to leave, you’ll be more depressed than ever. You have to empower yourself and take control of your own life. Trust me I have repeated this pattern many times. Single, depressed, meet someone, being in love cheers me up, feel great, relationship lasts a while, relationship ends, feel terrible, want to die, hate being single, meet someone else, repeat.
That’s the same with what happened to me recently, except when he made me “happy”, it actually made me worse (I know that’s difficult to understand) but thing is, I THOUGHT he made me happy but really he was just pushing me away- he even KNEW it yet he was having so much fun hurting me, so he wouldn’t stop. Things happened, I tried to kill myself again last week mainly because of …him, and know he’s asking me to come back. He hurt me so much, mentally AND physically yet I still care for him, I still respect him, and I… still love him. I really don’t know what to do anymore, and like you said, “I can’t do this anymore” either. So, really, we’re both trapped in a similar type situation, I tried to kill myself and it’s the only suicide attempt I actually regret. Don’t die today, you might end up regretting it too.
It is NOT a good day to die- I don’t know what the heck AtTheEnd was talking about !!
Please don’t give up, and i’m not saying don’t because I got through with my situation that’s similar to yours, i’m saying if I got through it, you definately can too- Chances are, you are strong. Just don’t do something you’ll regret- for your choice now, and your life.
i know how you feel, i felt the same way like life is not worth living without the one you like
i know