on the edge

Day by day goes by and stuff happens and it puts me on the edge. I hate this life its not fair. I did not choose to be born so can’t I take my own life? But truthfully and honestly I am scared shitless. I don’t know how or when I am just certain that it will happen. I had a close friend who committed suicide and it has always been a rumor how he did it. The family never told anyone. But I heard it was bloody. I dont understand how somebody can have so much courage and be so brave. I havent done a lot research into it but i read hanging yourself results in gasping for air for nearly a half hour.(how come in the movies the murderer smothers somebody in bed with a pillow n their dead in seconds?) It’s terrifying to know you can fail so easily, but honestly sometimes I feel it’s more painful living. I wouldn’t cause anyone the troubles that I’ve been causing. Would it not be better on everyone else  if I just cowarded away from life. I am a coward, I dont want to deal with my problems! The reason people inhabited this planet in the first place was to procreate like all the other animals. So why did we build infrastructure and technology, so we have all this bullshit in between our main innate human goal.  I find my self getting weaker and weaker and getting closer to the thought. At first it seems as though a strange thought but soon you realize its potential. Soon you start putting off things because that is what Ive done. I began looking at life with the attitude “I won’t be here much longer so who cares?” My parents never hugged me or told me they loved me as a child. they never asked me how my day was how I was; or what was wrong if I was crying. I don’t think they care, about me, or at all. I don’t know if I like life or not. My mother is only home 2 nights a week. TWO NIGHTS A WEEK. I do not consider myself to have a mother.  Everytime I have something to look up to somebody turns the thought into an unreal expectation. So what the *uck. I hate my sisters because they always made fun of me for being an emotional child. Always teased me because I was sensitive. I honestly want to do “it” sometimes just to prove to them that I have the guts, and I am not scared, and efff you for being so insensitive to me (if you really knew how i felt)…. Obviously people can have depression problems but who I am to be diagnosed with that. The truth is I lie to be happy and put on a face so nobody questions it. But the same people who see that face, they dont see you cry yourself to bed at night. Before I started writing this I was crying but for now my tears are all shed… I am still not over the edge.