I just need to know that someone understands so I don’t feel even more alone.
I have pretty much been suicidal at different parts in my life since I was 12 years old. (so its been 6 years)
I feel crazy and like I can’t control myself. I know I will never commit suicide because I am too scared. Not scared of death or pain but of failing. I wouldn’t want to fail and still be on earth. That concept seems pretty difficult to explain so I don’t expect anyone to understand that.
Most of all I feel crazy. If you guys knew me you would never look at me as the one who would want to commit suicide. Home life has been shit and I wish nothing more than to have never been born. But what makes me feel crazier is that I KNOW that suicide is wrong or that suicide isn’t necessarily the answer. Like logically my brain is like no, you need to work through your feelings and you need to look at things positively. Then my emotions and other part of my brain just want to cry and cause pain to myself. I would have to explain the feeling as wanting to rip my skin off. I know – crazy.
I’m really sorry for such a long post. If anyone bothered to read all that thank you I appreciate it. Iv never posted before and finishing this post I feel kind of ashamed and embarrassed.
17 comments
there is nothing to be ashamed or embarrased about, the whole point of the site is to help people, nd i know u qualify 🙂 i dont get when u say “Like logically my brain is like no, you need to work through your feelings and you need to look at things positively” i never got logical arguments for not comitting suicide. however i do get the whole not wanting to try incase of failure, its all that has stopped me so far, i mean how low can one go as to fail… tell me about how u ended up suicidal, ur trigger or whatever. or was it just something that happened?
I mean logically in the sense that I have an amazing friend who too has been through horrible things and she tried to meditate and be positive and so by being friends with her I have moments where I can stop being upset and calm down. Like I’ll be off the deep end and I’ll think abiut what my friend would do or say and I like hold myself back. But sometimes I’m too far gone to think rationally and it makes me feel crazier to not be able to control myself.
Nothing in particular happened. My dad was always verbally abusive and to some extent physically abusive. I grew up afraid. For example, I wouldn’t accept invitations to go on slumber parties when I was little because I was afraid that I would miss my dad freaking out and I wouldn’t be able to protect my family. I was always the one in between my parents when my dad would freak out or I was the one to hide my brother in my closet so he wouldn’t get hit. I grew up to resent my family. I’m still at home, just months away from going to college so logically I am almost free. But the closer i get to leaving the more easily I feel desperate. It’s almost the feeling of the day before Christmas where the hours go slower and slower because you are excited. I’m excited to leave but the days go slower and slower and I get anxious and desperate.
i care and understand god bless u jessew1050@yahoo.com
Mate, I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from. (Especially the part about wanting to rip my skin off, can you read minds? ‘Cause seriously, I have felt the same thing and used to scratch at my arms and thought about ripping the skin off).
I understand about feeling crazy and suicidal and those logical brain arguments suck. I told my university counsellor all about them; “one side of my brain is like ‘I hate life I can’t stand it go and jump under a train!’ and then the other side is like ‘but depression is temporary and you can get help or medication etc etc’. And yeah, that makes me feel SO crazy because if I know the arguments against suicide then why am I contemplating it??
So yeah, completely understand where you are coming from, and the part about being worried about failing. One of my worst fears is being found half-alive and either being alive in a vegetative state or worse, normal, so then having to deal with allt eh anger, hurt and constant surveillance from others around me.
Hmm so its like other people have more of a right to kill themselve than u do in ur eyes? And u cant seem to justify it to urself, the act of suicide in the face of what everyone else has to deal with? Hmm that tells quite a lot and is significant. Ur upbringing has a major effect on u. Ur father isnt a nice man but u are rather amazing. Putting urself between him and ur family as much as u could to protect them. Not many people could do that going off to colege is a great way to get away. Is ur mother as abusive as ur father?
I feel that other people are more justified yes. Other peoe deal wth rape or violence and all I had was a dysfunctional family. I feel crazy that inwould think of suicide as a justified means of an end when I SHOULD be able to handle things
My mom is amazing. She works so hard and she is my rock. Lately I have been reveling against her out of frustration. Not reveling in the typical teen sense but rebuke in the sense that I don’t want to be around her. Period. Everything she does upsets me and I just rather be away from everyone.
I usually use sarcasm as a way to hide how I feel. Another reason why peoe don’t suspec me of feeling this way. People think I handle things well and no one really knows about my family.
Again, I’m really appreciative of everyone. To be honest I’m pretty embarassed that I posted anything. I usually don’t talk about this obviously.
Ha, i dont even have a disfunctional family as an excuse fir being like this… U cant defeat the brain chemistry that fucks u over, ive tried nd met only limited success. This wont go away without meds. At least thats what i think. As for trying to get away from people nd family for no reason? Ya thats me all the way, no matter what they say i just wish they fuk off. Its natural (i hope)
I know what you mean about feeling embarassed, but don’t be. That’s what this site is for! Heck, I’ve put things on here I would never tell anyone (ah, we repressed British…).
I’m just glad you’ve posted. Sometimes that’s the first step. Please talk to your mum about how you feel. Don’t let it well up inside.
Beginners jitters, trust me after a while ull get usto our quirky selfs and post utter drivell like i do 😉
Iv been trying to get into therapy for years now but no one ever followed through for me. At this point in time iv calmed way down and I’m thinking more logically. But this is a habitual pattern. I used to take Prozac but it made me feel paranoid so I just stopped taking it. I rather feel depressed than paranoid. Just a personal preference.
I am still afraid of my dad. He is alot alot alot better now compared to when I was 12 but I’m still afraid. He has walked out on me before just because I didn’t want to set the table (normal teenage laziness). It’s pretty much been me walking on egg shells my entire life.
I think my biggest problem is my inability to balance logic and emotion. I feel almost trapped in my skin sometimes. It’s almost sick that I get alot calmer by researching methods. I admit I sat at my computer for an hour researching and now I’m calmer. Something to discuss in therapy if my parents ever follow through with the insurance -_-
I never want to go to therapy or drugs my minds my sanctuary. A fuck up place but its mine ya know. Ur father is a manipulative little child, hardly worth someone as amazing as you ud be suprised at some of the methods out there, some people are true geniuses when it come to it. Out of curiosity whats ur favourite?
My favorite?
Well my favorite in terms of access would be a gun. Seems very quick and if there is pain I’m assuming the pain is extremely quick.
My other favorite would be the exit bag/helium method or whatever it’s called. Where you use a bag filled with helium to knock you would and basically you die in a coma. Seems relatively peaceful, however from researching iv found tons of people with failed attempts and that seems horrible. Cue my fear of failure.
Another thing that makes me feel crazy: I feel like a failure when indont follow through with all my research. Which is horrible. I should, like most other people, love life and be happy that I like got through the depression, but I just feel worse because I feel like a failure. Like, wow , I couldn’t even successfully follow through.
And it sucks to be a teen through all this. Like in addition to all these thoughts and stuff I also have the normal teen anxieties: no date for prom, self conscious, and stressed to enroll in a college. Anxiety builds and builds.
Notinteresting1 I feel like, from your post, we have alot in common so thank you for at least calming my anxiety by me not being completely alone.
Work on your mental health dude! Nothing is more important than your mental health. Stress kills you so take one day at a time and don’t bite more than you can chew. OMG I don’t have a date for prom either! But that’s not going to stop me from having fun with my friends and looking “Gucci†(LOL). You need to find a stress reliever. What makes you happy? I bike ride with friends. Find your “thangâ€. One of my friends does martial arts every Sunday, my mom does yoga. Everyone has a stress reliever. What will you do?
I would advise you to exercise. That will burn off your pent up anxiety, stress, and calories. Not only will you look good, but feel good. I recently got one of my good friends to bike ride with me and today she told me that she feels better, healthier, and happy!
Thanks Conrad but I think you slightly missed the mark. I exercise, have amazing friends, have all these amazing things going for me. But I still feel nuts. It’s not healthy I know. That’s the problem. It’s like I am supposed to be so happy but I’m trapped in my head. Time will tell.