I had this psychological test the other day. And the psychiatrist seems to think I have everything in control. Even after I said I think about suicide on a daily basis (which I regret the moment I walked out of the door). My own shrink used to tell me she felt I got everything in control and doing ok too. The dean at my school told me the same day she felt I was doing so much better and that she could see I’m more happy. I didnt tell her its not true. I never tell them I disagree. If they want to think I’m fine thats oke. I guess.
I just dont really understand how everyone thinks I’m fine and even thinks i’m doign better when really, that is not the case. Far from it even.
Every day I feel worse, and every day I feel more lost and even confused then the days and weeks before. I (probably) wrote a few weeks ago that I felt more insane, and even at that point I didnt even think it was possible that I felt more insane than before. And now I have to say the point I was at back then would be a comfortable place right now. Would be a lot better than how I’m feeling right now.
One thing improved though: Im not doubting whether to kill myself or not anymore. I am very certain I have to. If I dont, I either get better, which isnt very likely. Or I will probably kill someone in the nearest future. Just because, I guess. I cant say out loud, nor write down, the thoughts that are going through my mind everday. But, I am very sure I dont want to act on them. And Im also very certain the only way to dont do that, is, well, to kill myself.
I wish I would care less about my family though. Its like I dont want to hurt them anymore then I already did, but, Im not even sure if that is possible to be honest. I just have to comfort myself with the thought they wont really feel thát bad about this.
Happy to say that I know which method I’ll use, finally, and have almost decided on my D-day.
3 comments
They probably think you’re better partially b/c that is a relief to them.. what they want to see. But I also think that we begin to build a great facade. Probably don’t even realize anymore that we are smiling on the outside. I have not found great luck with therapists either, but I think you should keep trying. And I know your family still has hope that you will get better, which means it will hurt them more.
I hope you keep trying to find help.
It’s amazing how people only see what they want to see.
Christina
Have you told anyone how you really feel?
As llmorrow and emptiness said people see what they expect to see.
Because delving deeper is fearful.
Your family WILL miss you.
If you do not let people know you are not fine then how will they help you.
Just talk to someone okay.
Do not let your star burn out.